Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fanfiction

16+ Violence

Black Butler with a Twist (S1 E5: His Butler, Chance Encounter)

by zaminami


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Sebastian and Grell faced off in the dirty, stony ally with blood on the ground that had obviously come from the open door in the back, which had lots of blood pooling all over the place -- Ciel and Sebastian had failed to save one of the victims of jack the ripper. While Grell sat there, pleading and claiming that he was innocent, the blood that covered him head to toe told Sebastian otherwise. Sebastian covered 12-year old Ciel's eye and eyepatch and stared Grell down.

"You can drop the innocent act, Grell. It's over," black-haired Sebastian said, not falling for any of Grell's act. "You know, it's the first time that i met someone like you in the human world. You played the role of helpless butler well. Your act had almost everybody completely fooled."

"You..." Grell mumbled helplessly. "You think so?"

He suddenly smiled evilly, revealing sharp teeth, and rose up to his full height. A maniac giggle escaped from Grell's mouth. "How kind," Grell said mockingly. "That's great to hear." He took some red cloth off of himself, it making a whistling noise. He took off his bloodstained, round glasses as well, his body language laughing at Sebastian. "After all, I am an actress... and quite a good one at that."

Grell took off his brown wig, revealing black curly hair underneath. He insterted black eyelashes on his eyes and ripped off a cover above his lips to reveal a bushy mustache. "Of course, you're not really Sebastian either, are you?" he asked as he put gloves on himself.

"Sebastian," the other answered smoothly. "Is the name my master gave me, so that is who I am. For now."

"Ah, you're playing the faithful dog. Well, you're handsome enough to get away with it. Anyway, here we are, Sebastian. No, I'll call you Bassy."

Grell now only had a black suit on with a white undershirt underneath. The suit had big buttons on his and Grell seemed quite handsome to Sebastian. However, the teeth and the body language that Grell put off rang alarm bells in Sebastian's head.

"Now, now, let me introduce myself!" Grell said, fluttering his eyelashes. "The benette butler Nikola Tesla. What do you say? Let's get along."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Jan 28, 2018 8:00 pm
Mathy wrote a review...



Me during every paragraph but the last one: "So Grell is more masculine in this version?"
Me during the last paragraph: "WTF"

Hi, It's ZeldaIsShiek here to write a rather abstract review on an amazing piece of literature that almost killed me... Ha ha... because it made a reference to my childhood hero Nikola Tesla the time traveler of infinite energy black hole attraction devices (there are a lot of conspiracy theories involving this man)!

I won't really review the rest of the story, since it is literally the same as in the manga, but I guess I could try. I like how she (yes, I use female pronouns for her) is Nikola Tesla in the end because it fits with the time period (however inconsistent that is throughout the series) and adds some humor to the story. Great work creating this humorous alternate ending. There's not much more I can say, so I'll see you later!

~ZeldaIsShiek




User avatar
641 Reviews


Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Donate
Sun Jan 28, 2018 1:11 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, izanami! Wow, it's going to take me a long time to get used to that name change. Still, I thought I'd drop in and offer my first review to the new and rebranded Kara. I've only seen a few episodes of Black Butler so I'm not really going to get a lot of the references in this, but I'm sure I can still help out with flow issues and such. Let's go!

Sebastian and Grell faced off in the dirty, stony alley with blood on the ground that had obviously come from the open door in the back, which had lots of blood pooling all over the place -- Ciel and Sebastian had failed to save one of the victims of Jack the Ripper. While Grell sat there, pleading and claiming that he was innocent, the blood that covered him head to toe told Sebastian otherwise. Sebastian covered 12-year old Ciel's eye and eyepatch and stared Grell down.


The description of the alley could be a lot more evocative. The sentence structure is a bit clunky, plus you repeat 'blood' twice and don't really offer much creative imagery as to how the blood actually looks on the ground. It would be good for you to talk about the sense of smell, too - if there's a dead body nearby, the smell would definitely be noticeable. The good thing about fanfiction for TV shows is that it can discuss senses that visual mediums can't really explore, like taste, touch, and smell.

I'd also like a bit more detail of exactly what Grell is saying, just to root me in the scene more. At the moment, it feels like you're just trying to get the introduction out of the way so you can get to the bit you want to write.

"You can drop the innocent act, Grell. It's over," black-haired Sebastian said, not falling for any of Grell's act. "You know, it's the first time that I met someone like you in the human world. You played the role of helpless butler well. Your act had almost everybody completely fooled."

"You..." Grell mumbled helplessly. "You think so?"

He suddenly smiled evilly, revealing sharp teeth, and rose up to his full height. A manic[?] giggle escaped from Grell's mouth.

[New paragraph because someone is speaking]"How kind," Grell said mockingly. "That's great to hear." He took some red cloth off of himself, it making a whistling noise. He took off his bloodstained, round glasses as well, his body language laughing at Sebastian. "After all, I am an actress... and quite a good one at that."


1) You don't really need to tell us that Sebastian has black hair, nor do you need to include other details about Ciel's age. Fanfiction is designed to be read by people who already know a decent amount about the characters, so it's pretty redundant to include things that are already known to the target audience. It's just a bit jarring.

2) No need to say that Sebastian isn't falling for Grell's act. It's obvious from his dialogue. Don't tell what the dialogue already shows.

3) I don't get what you mean by 'his body language laughing at Sebastian'. It just doesn't make that much sense to me - I can't picture what you mean.

He inserted black eyelashes on his eyes


Just like that?? Did Sebastian wait patiently while Grell heated up the eyelash glue and got his mirror out and whatever the heck else it is you need for applying false eyelashes...?

Okay, I think that's it for more specific comments. I don't...really...get the end, but that's probably because I never got very far in Black Butler. Obviously this is supposed to be a humorous piece, which is fair enough, but I think it could do with a bit more build-up. The writing itself needs more polish, because the expression is clunky throughout and reads like something that was written quite quickly. Nevertheless, it did hold my attention and I do like the wackiness of it.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




User avatar
206 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 206

Donate
Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:43 am
DeerInBacPac says...



N

I

K

O

L

A

T

E

S

L

A




zaminami says...


Y

E

P



User avatar
125 Reviews


Points: 3476
Reviews: 125

Donate
Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:23 am
View Likes
LakeOfCancer wrote a review...



OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT TWISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! I know I haven't actually watched Black Butler yet, but I do know who these characters are in this! And oh damn! Shit! That was surprising!XD You did good, IO felt like I could see them, no, I felt like I was standing beside Sebastian!XD Oh god!XD This was amazing!XD Great job Kara!




zaminami says...


XD thx!!



User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 2969
Reviews: 111

Donate
Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:01 am
RavenLord says...



Isn't that basically a script from that scene but with added imagery?




zaminami says...


but with a twist

if you read CAREFULLY YOULL SEE



RavenLord says...


I SAW IT WAS FRICKING TESLA BUT WHAT THE HELL

NIKOLA IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO TELL US


IS THIS YOUR REVENGE ON EDISON


HONEY NO



zaminami says...


XD TESLA IS OVER HERE SWEARING BECAUSE YOU FIGURED IT OUT



User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Tue Jan 23, 2018 12:00 am
zaminami says...



author's note:

if you don't know black butler, I recommend you check it out -- ww2.cartooncrazy.net/watch/black-butler-episode-1-english-dubbed/ <--- there. copy-paste it. there's a better website but I can't find it.

oh, and so you know, grell's real form is SUPPOSED to look like my profile picture :wink:

--

kara




User avatar
364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Donate
Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:56 pm
zaminami says...



@Flumadiddle @RavenLord @FalconerGal9086 @saentiel




zaminami says...


@WhosabellCanWrite @MJTucker @LJF @Lake @emolemon




If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson