Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Sebastian and Grell faced off in the dirty, stony ally with blood on the ground that had obviously come from the open door in the back, which had lots of blood pooling all over the place -- Ciel and Sebastian had failed to save one of the victims of jack the ripper. While Grell sat there, pleading and claiming that he was innocent, the blood that covered him head to toe told Sebastian otherwise. Sebastian covered 12-year old Ciel's eye and eyepatch and stared Grell down.
"You can drop the innocent act, Grell. It's over," black-haired Sebastian said, not falling for any of Grell's act. "You know, it's the first time that i met someone like you in the human world. You played the role of helpless butler well. Your act had almost everybody completely fooled."
"You..." Grell mumbled helplessly. "You think so?"
He suddenly smiled evilly, revealing sharp teeth, and rose up to his full height. A maniac giggle escaped from Grell's mouth. "How kind," Grell said mockingly. "That's great to hear." He took some red cloth off of himself, it making a whistling noise. He took off his bloodstained, round glasses as well, his body language laughing at Sebastian. "After all, I am an actress... and quite a good one at that."
Grell took off his brown wig, revealing black curly hair underneath. He insterted black eyelashes on his eyes and ripped off a cover above his lips to reveal a bushy mustache. "Of course, you're not really Sebastian either, are you?" he asked as he put gloves on himself.
"Sebastian," the other answered smoothly. "Is the name my master gave me, so that is who I am. For now."
"Ah, you're playing the faithful dog. Well, you're handsome enough to get away with it. Anyway, here we are, Sebastian. No, I'll call you Bassy."
Grell now only had a black suit on with a white undershirt underneath. The suit had big buttons on his and Grell seemed quite handsome to Sebastian. However, the teeth and the body language that Grell put off rang alarm bells in Sebastian's head.
"Now, now, let me introduce myself!" Grell said, fluttering his eyelashes. "The benette butler Nikola Tesla. What do you say? Let's get along."
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Me during every paragraph but the last one: "So Grell is more masculine in this version?"
Me during the last paragraph: "WTF"
Hi, It's ZeldaIsShiek here to write a rather abstract review on an amazing piece of literature that almost killed me... Ha ha... because it made a reference to my childhood hero Nikola Tesla the time traveler of infinite energy black hole attraction devices (there are a lot of conspiracy theories involving this man)!
I won't really review the rest of the story, since it is literally the same as in the manga, but I guess I could try. I like how she (yes, I use female pronouns for her) is Nikola Tesla in the end because it fits with the time period (however inconsistent that is throughout the series) and adds some humor to the story. Great work creating this humorous alternate ending. There's not much more I can say, so I'll see you later!
~ZeldaIsShiek
Hi, izanami! Wow, it's going to take me a long time to get used to that name change. Still, I thought I'd drop in and offer my first review to the new and rebranded Kara. I've only seen a few episodes of Black Butler so I'm not really going to get a lot of the references in this, but I'm sure I can still help out with flow issues and such. Let's go!
The description of the alley could be a lot more evocative. The sentence structure is a bit clunky, plus you repeat 'blood' twice and don't really offer much creative imagery as to how the blood actually looks on the ground. It would be good for you to talk about the sense of smell, too - if there's a dead body nearby, the smell would definitely be noticeable. The good thing about fanfiction for TV shows is that it can discuss senses that visual mediums can't really explore, like taste, touch, and smell.
I'd also like a bit more detail of exactly what Grell is saying, just to root me in the scene more. At the moment, it feels like you're just trying to get the introduction out of the way so you can get to the bit you want to write.
1) You don't really need to tell us that Sebastian has black hair, nor do you need to include other details about Ciel's age. Fanfiction is designed to be read by people who already know a decent amount about the characters, so it's pretty redundant to include things that are already known to the target audience. It's just a bit jarring.
2) No need to say that Sebastian isn't falling for Grell's act. It's obvious from his dialogue. Don't tell what the dialogue already shows.
3) I don't get what you mean by 'his body language laughing at Sebastian'. It just doesn't make that much sense to me - I can't picture what you mean.
Just like that?? Did Sebastian wait patiently while Grell heated up the eyelash glue and got his mirror out and whatever the heck else it is you need for applying false eyelashes...?
Okay, I think that's it for more specific comments. I don't...really...get the end, but that's probably because I never got very far in Black Butler. Obviously this is supposed to be a humorous piece, which is fair enough, but I think it could do with a bit more build-up. The writing itself needs more polish, because the expression is clunky throughout and reads like something that was written quite quickly. Nevertheless, it did hold my attention and I do like the wackiness of it.
Keep writing!
~Pan
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OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT TWISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! I know I haven't actually watched Black Butler yet, but I do know who these characters are in this! And oh damn! Shit! That was surprising!XD You did good, IO felt like I could see them, no, I felt like I was standing beside Sebastian!XD Oh god!XD This was amazing!XD Great job Kara!
XD thx!!
Isn't that basically a script from that scene but with added imagery?
but with a twist
if you read CAREFULLY YOULL SEE
I SAW IT WAS FRICKING TESLA BUT WHAT THE HELL
NIKOLA IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO TELL US
IS THIS YOUR REVENGE ON EDISON
HONEY NO
XD TESLA IS OVER HERE SWEARING BECAUSE YOU FIGURED IT OUT
author's note:
if you don't know black butler, I recommend you check it out -- ww2.cartooncrazy.net/watch/black-butler-episode-1-english-dubbed/ <--- there. copy-paste it. there's a better website but I can't find it.
oh, and so you know, grell's real form is SUPPOSED to look like my profile picture
--
kara
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