Empty Draft

Hey Kara, Fea here to review for cookies of course!

So first off, I must say I really liked the repeated use of ding dong. There were a few things that I think could use improvement, but over all it is a good start to an interesting story.

"That life is over." This was in past tense before, and should remain so. I didn't catch any other tense changes, but it might be worth just reading it over again.

"Her name?: Jamie Kayla Holmes.

Her age?: 21.

Her gender?: Female.

Spouse?: Currently single.

How are you feeling?: Horrible."

Sorry for my lack of italics there. Didn't want to sit there and type the code in. Yes, I know I'm lazy. Anyways, there were a few thing that got me here. Firstly, how it started in the third person (her name, her age, her gender) and then switches over to saying 'you'. Just a bit weird and I think it would be smoother if it was all in third or all in second person. Secondly, I think that it should just use a question mark and not a question mark colon. I don't claim to be an expert on punctuation, but I do believe this is incorrect.

The only other thing is that I thought I'd mention that onomatopoeias are usually italicized. Of course you're the writer so it's just personal preference, but I thought I'd just mention that.

All in all, the story is good, the suspense is good, and the grammar is good. Nice work.

~ Knight Fea

Hey KaraStevens, I'm here to review since you asked for it.

This story is gruesome, but it works well. Your use of the notes instead of straight out speaking was very clever, it added a darker tone to the scenes. I also loved the repetition of DING DONG, which is almost foreboding. It's like in horror movies when you hear a little child singing nursery rhymes.

The character development, if I can call it that, was also good. The revelation at the end, that she'd lied, kept my thoughts lingering on this piece even after I'd read it.

As soon as I got to my destination, I would KILL cause her pain.
My favourite thing was how you crossed out the 'kill'. It's like your character was trying to hide something from me, the reader. I've been allowed into their mind, but they're still calculating what I can and can't know, like they don't quite trust me. It makes the story very personal.

A white, lanky, long brown-haired girl, no more than 20, opened it, just like he predicted. I covered her pink lipstick-covered mouth. Her chocolate-brown eyes, opened as wide as the moon overhead, was very satisfying.
The thing I would change is your long descriptions. Sometimes I became distracted from the plot because I was trying to create these complex images in my mind. Sometimes it is best to let the reader imagine things themselves, unless of course it is essential to the plot. If I have to know all the above details, for example, then try to draw them out some more. Reveal them gradually, not all in a couple of sentences.

Oh, and one tiny nitpick...Jamie will soon hate that sound.
I really liked the little drawn out paragraph at the start, you just need to make this bit past tense, as the rest of it is just that. So, Jamie would soon hate that sound.

Overall, this is great! And very dark. Just be careful that the reader can't get distracted.

So I clicked on your story because it was in the green room, not looking at the author behind it. I got to the end and scrolled back up but wasn't exactly shocked to realize this was you. About halfway through, I thought to myself, "This sounds kind of like Kara's writing,"
I guess I was right.
Anyways.
I liked the two-perspective writing thing. I've always wanted to do that. Just the way in which you wrote it seems quite appealing to me, it ran very smoothly.
All I have to say for this one, then, is
PLEASE PLEASE WRITE MORE

Love that beginning.