Published December 30, 2020
Waking up, I picture you as I have seen you. This is me communicating what I see. I see those darkly beautiful eyes, behind the lenses. They are like diamonds when the light hits them in the way they immediately draw my attention and transfix me. They meet my intense gaze with an eerie intelligence that sees past my disguise and penetrates the hidden darkness in my soul. Your stare sends a shiver of delight (and dread?) running though me. But it does not feel cold. It feels like an electric shock, filling me with a bizarre warmth and sense of purpose. I see your sweet smile, shy, and full of a misleading innocence. Revealing a certain charming awkwardness, too, which speaks to some degree of discomfort A discomfort that was born out of an unspoken awareness that the world can see your smile. But you are unaware of how beautiful your smile is. It touches my mind, and interacts with it. It compelling another pair of lips miles away to form a smile of it's own that lingers. Yours is a smile whose dorkiness simultaneously melts my heart even as it unintentionally attempts to steal it and keep it forever. These notable features are further complimented by a face that appears to be exotically Asian at times, and is of unsurpassed loveliness. When all these things are taken together, the complete image is of a visage so stunning that it literally takes my breath away. It renders time a meaningless word, just an abstract concept with no value in the tangible world, where the only real thing is your face. I see you in my mind, and try to describe what I see, but the effort is futile. There are no words for this. Better to just enjoy the moment. This perfect moment. Life never seems to be the way we want it, but we live it the best way we can. There is no perfect life, but we can fill it with perfect moments. I will not waste this one.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi! raindrops here. I think I'm going to binge your works and leave a few comments and reviews. So far, I've pretty much liked all works of yours I've read.
As already mentioned by @Liminality, the descriptions here are pretty vague, and wasn't able to convey the desired effect. Also try "dark, beautiful eyes".
"transfixes", subject is singular
just a missing dot (.)
"It compels" or "Its compelling"
I really like your style of repeating phrases to input emphasis on your lines, but this one (in my opinion) is better read in one sentence: "Better to just enjoy this perfect moment".
And that ends my commenting, I have rarely read paragraph proses because their shortness bothers me, but this was satisfying.
Hi there!
This looks to me to be a bit of prose poetry. I do like how the speaker not only expresses their appreciation of the subject's beauty, but also the desire to live in the present moment. The structure of the poem, which lengthily describes small details, seems to reflect that.
Language
Something I noticed was that some of the descriptions are a bit vague. In poetry (as well as in prose, actually) specific images that evoke an idea or emotion in the reader tend to be more effective than broad, sweeping statements. I think we need to be careful as well to avoid using language that is overly dependent on who you are (unless, of course, it's to create a particular effect!), as anyone could be reading the piece.
Compare this image:
to this one:
I think you did much better in the second image in that "diamonds" is a specific image, whereas simply describing something as "beautiful" could mean anything. A river brook is beautiful, but a cake might also be beautiful. What exactly do you mean?
This is another image that I found quite ineffective. I am Asian, and I don't look into the mirror and think my face is exotic. "exotic" is, by definition, a word whose meaning is extremely dependent on who you are. Quite possibly you mean to describe the subject as ethereal, or otherworldly. Maybe facial features that seem fine, or above-it-all or unique. These are all connotations that many Westerners have about people who are not Western. They do not describe the subject directly, and it's hard, in my opinion, to put an image in your reader's head as a poet unless you tackle the subject head-on.
Showing versus telling is also relevant here, I think. When you 'tell' the reader something is "beautiful", it leaves less of an impact compared to when you give the details. Here are some good YWS articles on that:
The Basics of Showing Vs. Telling For Beginners
Specificity in Poetry
Structure
The repetition in the first three lines gives the poem a good rhythm and draws the reader in.
You're quite good at varying your sentence lengths, which is important for prose poetry. I agree with the other reviewers that you might want to split the text up into more paragraphs, but otherwise I do think you've managed to avoid becoming too draggy. The effect of some long sentences, broken up by shorter ones, seems quite appropriate to convey emotions of love or appreciation.
Here as well, the repetition is effective to emphasise emotions.
Miscellaneous
I do like the ending of this poem! This line gives some symmetry with the beginning line of "waking up", as it links back to the present moment where the speaker is performing an action.
That's all
Overall, I thought this poem's strength was mainly in the structure, the repetition and prose-like rhythm that still manages to be poetic. The imagery is something to improve on though (especially since this is poetry and not prose), and I hope the resources I linked can help you with that.
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
Hey there!
Specific Comments:
When all these things are taken together, the complete image is of a visage so stunning that it literally takes my breath away.
I believe that there is some passive voice issues here. The are taken is specifically what I'm referring to. Generally, people try to avoid using passive voice in their works because it tells instead of showing what is going on. This isn't an error, but just a bit of preference if you'd like to add more detail into your writing in the future.
Also I tend to avoid words like "literally" as they do nothing for the story and just fill it in, so removing that word could help this seem clearer. It wouldn't affect anything else in the story too, so picking those out after writing might be something to add to your routine.
Your stare sends a shiver of delight (and dread?) running though me
The and dread? part kind of doesn't work there. It makes you seem unsure of your own writing, but if that's what you were going for when writing this, I do feel like there are other ways to show that feeling that aren't like this. It being inside parenthesis also feel like they're notes you forgot to take out, and I don't think that is what they are.
My Thoughts:
I'm not really sure what's going on here. This feels like an insert from something larger you've written, but I doubt that. I do think this is really beautiful and I like all of your imagery. I'm just a little confused.
Best,
Max
Hi yumi! If this wasn't all in bold, or if it was even separated into different paragraphs, it would make it WAY easier to read
I had the same thought myself! And even recommended similar things in reviews to others! The "bold" text was a last second change as well!
Thanks for the feedback!
I had the same thought myself! And even recommended similar things in reviews to others! The "bold" text was a last second change as well!
Thanks for the feedback!