am i sad or i'm just pretending?
am i trying to feel a pain that isn't existing?
do i have the right to keep that feeling?
can i really keep dreaming?
i tell people that it's "ok"
but what i need is to be told the same
someone to show me the way
someone to hold my hand and take me away
it's not a drama it's just...
when i try to sleep
and take a breath from deep
my heart start to beat
my eyes,mouth and teeth
stops for a moment
to remember the one that left
the heart that stopped
the soul that is gone
some tears fall from the eyes
some memories pass throught the mind
and finely the heartbeats start to rise
when he whisper in my dreams
"we love with the heart.....remember?"
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
I like the concept of this poem, but it needs a little grammar work. Nothing wrong with that, we all make mistakes.
Up at the top, that "i'm" should be "am I".
At the end of the poem, "finely" should be "finally".
And aside from that, you basically just need to add some capitols and spaces and stuff, I'm sure you can figure out where.
It's a good poem. Keep writing.
Okay, first, I'd just like to say, that you have a good poem here.
But, there are some things that should be corrected.
"it's not a drama it's just...
when i try to sleep
and take a breath from deep
my heart start to beat
my eyes,mouth and teeth
stops for a moment
to remember the one that left"
The drama part doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. It kind of...disrupts it.
You might try this:
"And while I sleep,
my heart starts to beat,
my body takes a moment to remember,
the one that left me."
You don't have to put that, or anything, I just think that maybe it would flow a little better. You know? Sound better.
"some tears fall from the eyes
some memories pass throught the mind
and finely the heartbeats start to rise
when he whisper in my dreams
"we love with the heart.....remember?"
Instead..:
"tears fall onto my palm,
where his hand used to lay,
and the memories of a long lost boy,
start to delay.
the only sound,
was of my heartbeat,
which started to fade,
and now again it was bound.
As I drifted to sleep,
I could hear his heart beat,
against his chest,
and I listened to him say,
"we love with our hearts...remember?"
I don't know. It might work better.