she hated earth and wated to run away to the sky.
only she wasn't an angle and she could not fly.
she sleeps in the day,to forget her pain.
she wakes up in the night,thinking of suicide.
she thought no one will ever miss her if she stops excisting.
she thought she'll be free if she stops trying.
she said what's the use of a life where no one cares?
she said what's the use of a life full of pain?
one cut.....
one jump....
one shot.....to break her locks,
that's all what she thoughts.
he loved earth,it was his heaven,
because right there,she was still living.
he sleeps in the night,dreaming about her.
he wakes up in the morning hoping that he would see her.
he was so scared he couldn't tell her.
it was too hard,he wasn't brave.
what if she'll run away?
what if she doesn't care?
what if she doesn't like him?
what if she thinks of someone else?
he didn't want to lose her,so he kept it all for himself.
that's what he said,that's what he though.
one day....
one night.....
and here we go again,
she sleeps in the day.......he waits for her every morning.
she wakes up when it's dark...........he sleeps all the night,so of her,he can keep dreaming.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello yadanlaller (I hope I got your name right)!
I like this piece, it's sad though, that they will never meet it seems. I sometimes just sleep so that I can keep dreaming, but when I feel that way my nights are filled with monsters and death. You have a couple capitalization and punctuation errors, but I'll not go too much into detail on that unless you want me to.
~Kelpies
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Every ellipses you use has to be JUST THREE periods. No more. No less. Three. If you want to keep your periods, fine, but if you think it's building up the tension in your poem or whatever, it's not. It's just distracting. Maybe that was your intention, but if it isn't, fix them. All of them.
Yeah, you thought I was done, didn't you?
Happy Review Day!
Happy Review Day!
Okay, so Chips and Katya have already pointed out the obvious.
As for the capitalization thing, don't stress. Every artist has what's called the author's license to do whatever the heck they want with what they write. If you don't want capitalization, don't capitalize. If you don't want punctuation, don't punctuate. If you're asking me to correct all the decisions you made as an artist, I will have to refuse. It's your poem! Do what you want!
That being said, I'm going to review this as best I can and I might sound harsh but you have to remember I'm just trying to help.
Let's begin.
Nitpick #1
Spoiler
You need spaces after your commas, after every single comma in this poem. Fix them; they're driving me crazy. Or don't fix them; it's up to you.
Nitpick #2
Spoiler
Nitpick #3
Spoiler
"Excisting," should be "existing." Probably just a typo.
"Will," should be "would." That's a grammar thing, and you really need to fix that, author's license or no. Same goes for the line after that; "she'll," should be "she would," or "she'd."
Nitpick #4
Spoiler
You need quotations here, so it would read as follows:
Also, "where," should be "in which," but that's a super picky nitpick so you can choose to ignore that.
Nitpick #5
Spoiler
Not only do you need to only have THREE periods in your ellipses, you have to have a space between those ellipses and the word "to." Just a grammar thing, or else you're connecting the word "shot," to the word "to," and that would read, "shotto." Fix it.
Nitpick #6
Spoiler
Uhm. What?
Did you mean:
Did you mean:
Did you mean:
Pick one of these and replace that line entirely. It doesn't make sense.
Nitpick #7
Spoiler
Again, the comma thing. Fix that. And "though," should be "thought." Minor typo, no biggie.
Nitpick The Last
Spoiler
This is where the space after the comma is crucial. Fix it.
Also, you need to break up this line; it's a little long and ramble-y. Maybe make a new line at "so of her," or something. Also, the space after the ellipses. Fix that one and the one in the line before this one. You'll be golden.
Content
Spoiler
So this is a good story you're telling. A love story mixed with an internal struggle and all that mess. You told the story well despite your grammar and spelling mistakes. Don't sweat the small stuff; that comes with practice, and I know you'll get there! I don't know what the male in this poem is "keeping," for himself, but I like the way you told the story anyway. Your dark tone and easy-to-read diction helped to tell the story simply and objectively but with a little feeling here and there. Good job.
Conclusion
So you did have some mistakes, but that's to be expected. Do you think e e cummings became e e cummings without people yelling at him to put punctuation and capitalization in his poetry? Of course not, I'm sure he got tons of heat for straying from the norm. Don't be afraid to stray from the norm, but make sure you follow the basic rules. The nitpick rules were not made to be broken; the rules like "write what you know," were made to be broken. Break rules, but make sure you break the right ones! Overall, I'll give your poem five stars out of ten. I can't wait to see what else you'll write! Keep writing, keep making mistakes, because mistakes are what define us. Nobody wants a perfect writer.
Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Let's look at this wonderful poem!
NITPICK:
Spoiler
Just a minor typing error. You misspelled wanted. (in parentheses)
Oh and here is one more typing error. Angel is spelled wrong.
You have a major problem with capitalization. Nothing, nothing whatsoever is capitalized! You need to keep capitalization in mind when you write something. Also the last phrase should be broken up into two or three more lines. I also advise that you break up this piece into stanzas. That would help a lot when readers read through this piece. Also when you have ellipsis(the dots), try to limit it to three. Don't just spam the dots(I know. We love the dots but too many ruins the effect).
I have to say I love the theme of this piece. It really speaks to me. Chains are always a good topic to write about. It is a really nice piece and I hope you can write something similar or even a sequel to this one day! Anyways, keep up the good work and keep wrting
Hello, Chips here with a review.
I thought you had a really interesting idea here, it was quite dreamy and I liked your use of rhetorical question. I do have some suggestions that may help improve your poem.
"she hated earth and wated to run away to the sky.
only she wasn't an angle and she could not fly."
You have a few spelling and punctuation errors here. The first word should have a capital letter, I'm unsure whether the lowercase scheme was intentional or not, but for the helpfulness of the review, I'll point them out. You have a typo, "wated", should be *wanted*. Also in the second line, I suppose you meant to write, *angel*, not "angle" since that didn't make any sense.
"she sleeps in the day,to forget her pain.
she wakes up in the night,thinking of suicide.
she thought no one will ever miss her if she stops excisting."
The comma was unnecessary in the first line, but it fit well with the second line where a pause was more beneficial. You also tend to swap tenses from present to past so be careful with that. You have a spelling error, "excisting", should be spelled as, *existing*. Remember to proof read and spell-check your work before posting it.
"she thought she'll be free if she stops trying.
she said what's the use of a life where no one cares?
she said what's the use of a life full of pain?"
Here, in the first line I think instead of, "she'll", *she'd* would fit better there.
In the next two lines, you need quotation marks to show that she is speaking, they're not needed for though but for speech you definitely need to add them. I think in general the sudden speech was not needed anyways, you could have kept those as thought.
"one cut.....
one jump....
one shot.....to break her locks,
that's all what she thoughts."
Here, your ellipses were unequal, the standard is usually three dots. I think having full-stops instead would have been more effective too. The last line here, didn't make sense. Maybe add, "thought" instead or just remove the sentence completely in my opinion.
"he sleeps in the night,dreaming about her.
he wakes up in the morning hoping that he would see her"
I like how you played with opposites here, but this was beginning to sound quite cliche, like your average boy-girl story.
"she sleeps in the day.......he waits for her every morning.
she wakes up when it's dark...........he sleeps all the night,so of her,he can keep dreaming."
The periods here again were not needed, they were distracting if anything. There were also too many commas in your last line. The poem, in general began to lose the poetic element and became story-like, hence causing confusion.
Overall, this has potential just look over it again, you may get new inspirations. I hope this review didn't come off as too harsh, it had the best intentions to help you.
--Chips