he sits there lonely in the end of the classroom
maybe he dream of rainbows or ice cream in a cone
or a dark place full of strangers, coldness and insecure
no one know what is in this boy's mind
no one can tell what he have in the heart
someone far that he's missing too much
or someone near but doesn't care that much
when he go out he smile, laugh and cry in a secret way
he fakes a little hapiness to hide up his pain
out there he really doesn't look the same
but once he comeback to that dark room
the music is his only friend between those unknow
with the earphones he fall asleep
and dream of a place where he is the king
with people around him,who will stay
never leave and never betray.
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Canary word: Present
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127,873 Literary Works • 671,486 Reviews
Great writing! I just finished reading this and I have some things to say. I wasn't really sure whether or not you meant to keep the letter of each line lowercase or not. As someone else said, it was continuous. Some of the lines have added words that make the line more lengthy. Sometimes, poems sound better with shorter lines than long lines with extra words that aren't needed. The sentence, "maybe he dream of rainbows or ice cream in a cone", is a little long. I don't really think you need the part about ice cream being "in the cone" and I think you meant he dreams of these thing. If you did meant that, just add an "s" at the end of the word "dreams". "He fakes a little happiness to hide up his pain", sounds strange. I am not sure how one can hide up pain? I would suggest taking out that word for the sentence to flow. Just so you know, I am being really picky so please don't take my suggestions to be intelligent ones. Overall, I thought is was a great poem. Be sure to continue writing and have a great day!
Keep writing pieces like this one.
All the very best.
never leave and never betray.
thank you
Hey!
I am not sure whether or not the lack of punctuation at the beginning of each line was deliberate or not?
I would assume so, because it is continuous. But I thought I would ask.
I have to be honest in that the subject matter of this work interests me greatly. I feel that observing people or people watching is a great habit of humankind and you feature on some of its intrinsic value here very accurately.
Such as with: 'no one know what is in this boy's mind'
The piece and the ideas behind it are open to speculation. Very thoughtful work. XD
thank you very much,i'll keep the hard work
merry christmas and happy holidays
Merry Christmas yadanialler! Let's start with my first review in a long time.
Firstly, I can say that 'that boy' is a very relatable poem to those of us who have suffered or have passed through a similar experience. I, at least, can relate easily. You portray a beautiful imagery, although, a bit simplistic. I say simplistic because you could have gone all the way since it's drama what you're aiming for. (But that is just my opinion, this is still a lovely piece).
Aside from that, I like that you give us an insight on the possibilities the boy may be thinking. It makes the reader stop to question what goes on through the mind of every passerby. This is a nice way of reminding someone that their story isn't the only one being told in this planet.
Finally, the last part which is the grammar. I believe you do have to correct the first letter; it always goes in major caps. You're missing a few commas (and periods) here and there, example:
See? After ''mind'' and ''heart'' a comma is missing. You want to give the reader a slight pause to build up the feel of the poem. Also, I added the question marks because it feels like you meant those sentences to be like a question towards the reader to make them stop and think. (But you don't necessarily have to do this).
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. You have a wonderful concept behind it. Just, don't be afraid to go over the top. In drama you want people to portray the most exaggerated emotions with a touch of incredulousness.
-Happy Holidays! ^-^
thank you for reading poem, i will use your advice about the punctuation and happy holidays =)
hey there
first i wanna say hi and welcome to the site .
now for the review , i want to say that i realy liked your poem , it's simple and well written .
i liked how you stared and finished the poem , it was expressive .
also the imagery was good , when i was reading your poem , i remembered a boy in my class ,who is a shy and sad boy , that prouves that knew how to make readers understand and feel of what are you describing .
another important point in poetry , that i found it in your poem which is the '' rhyme '' , good job at that
so keep up the good work
smile
.