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16+

She !

by urvikavyas


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

She sits by the window and admires the world outside , its beauty , its grace little she knows its full of beasts ready to kill,eat,rape and finish ,yet the reason for her not going through the world is not its brutality but her HOBBLING ARMS !


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User avatar
272 Reviews


Points: 209
Reviews: 272

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Thu Apr 07, 2016 4:08 pm
Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your interesting piece.
I really love short short stories xD I didn't know that hobbling was a word xD but I guess you learn something new everyday. Your punctuation was off with spaces in between words and commas and no spaces in between words and commas. I really think you can improve this word by adding description and by adding more emotion. Describe the feelings inside of this girl, why is she hurting? How is she hurting? Also another punctuation error is the capitalizing the words. It's a pet peeve of mine and makes me feel like this piece isn't as serious as it is. I really think you should depend on the meaning of the words for emotion not the capitalization.

Sorry that's such a short review,
Alice ♥




urvikavyas says...


Thanks it was my very first one and i would surely try to improve . Thanks for your valuable review



urvikavyas says...


Thanks it was my very first one and i would surely try to improve . Thanks for your valuable review



User avatar
405 Reviews


Points: 36
Reviews: 405

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Thu Apr 07, 2016 1:23 pm
Eros wrote a review...



Hey there, Urvika!!

This is Ers here to review this wonderful piece. This was written beautifully. The idea and the theme is really good. I liked this. You have expressed everything very nicely. Few words and big expressions--This is what I like about this piece. This was very unique, and the style of writing is very fluent. A small nit picky thing:

In the sentence:
"kill,eat,rape and finish ,yet the reason for her not going through the world is not its brutality but her HOBBLING ARMS !" , you can put some space after each coma, it wold then become:

""kill, eat, rape and finish , yet the reason for her not going through the world is not its brutality but her HOBBLING ARMS !"
It helps to keep the flow of the reader.

Still, you can increase the length. Write more.
You are still doing GREAT!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love love to keep reading such unique stuffs!!
:D




urvikavyas says...


Thanks alot for being such a great critic .




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings