My cousin Liz and I have decided to start the new year with the youth pastor at our church and the kids he's invited to a party at his house. We were invited even though we don't go to the youth service and don't really know anyone.
He lives in one of those culs-de-sac, where every house looks the same and it's impossible to find your way out. It's really big and pretty and they still have their Christmas lights up which makes it look more homey. The “party room” is in their finished basement. The red tablecloth covered tables to the side of the room are decorated with store bought cookies, bags of chips and pretzels, and a few different drinks. There are also two sofas, a flat screen TV, and table tennis.
Liz and I stuck together all night, snacking a little, mostly talking. We've just been standing in the corner. We can't remember why we chose to come to the party at the moment.
Oh yeah, I remember why I wanted to come. Since Jeremy left his job working at Target-the only place I've ever seen him-ignoring my note and feelings, I've tried to keep myself occupied. I'm so not over him.
I always look at it like love at first sight. I saw him and I just knew I would never get enough of him. He was an extremely hard worker, thoughtful, and kind. I was so into him. When he'd catch my eye and smile at me it was hard to think that my feelings weren't returned. I wrote him a note telling him I liked him and a few weeks later I stopped seeing him. I eventually found out that he was working somewhere else.
I pull my fingers towards my palm and shoot the thought out as I release my fingers, something I've taken to doing lately.
A really tall-especially compared to us, since we're only an inch or two over five feet-cute guy ambles up to us, his green eyes on Liz. With his dark brown “Bieber cut,” I think he's pretty gorgeous. I'm not sure if he's Liz's type, but I know she likes tall guys and green eyes.
“Hey, I'm Hal,” he tells mostly Liz.
“I'm Liz and this is Julie,” she tells him.
“Hey,” he says, turning to me for a quick second. “So how come I've never seen you at church?”
“We don't go to the youth service,” she tells him.
“Oh, okay,” he grins. “Well you should start coming.”
“Maybe,” Liz turns to me and smiles.
“Wanna get something to drink?” he asks her.
She turns to me, asking with her eyes if I mind.
I give her “Bambi eyes,” bite my lip, and nod my head. I don't want to be left alone, but I don't want to hold her back even more. I have a book in my purse anyway.
“Sure.” I watch her small figure walk away and smile at the way her dark curls swish back and forth. He leads her to the tables where the drinks and snacks are set up. 'Where's that book?' I wonder as I search through my purse.
“Hey,” a deep voice from behind me says.
My stuff flies out of my bag and scatters across the floor as I jump. “Oh, my gosh,” I clutch at my pounding heart.
He bends to pick up my things. I spot my book and pull my long, dirty-blond waves behind my shoulder before crouching down and helping him. I turn to catch a look at his face even though I know who it is.
“Thanks,” I say to him.
“You're welcome,” Jeremy smiles back at me. I've missed him so much. I take in his dark hair which has grown a little since I last saw it, his eyes which for the first time I'm not too shy to look away from, and the earring in his right ear that I love.
“Um, I didn't see you come in,” I pause and scrunch up my eyebrows in confusion. “In fact I've never seen you at church either.”
“Well, I just got here and I've never seen you there either.”
“So, um, how's it going?” I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him.
“Good,” he tells me. “I got a new job a-”
“Yeah, Aubrey said,” I say with spite.
“Listen Jules I-”
“You know what, you don't owe me anything,” I say, calmly now, already regretting what I just said to him. “I told you in my note that I didn't want you to say anything unless you liked me too,” I take a deep breath. “I'm gonna go read my book now,” I tell him, turning away.
He grabs my arm, “no, you didn't ask for an explanation, but I want to give you one anyway.”
“Really?” I ask. He nods. The fact that he has an explanation makes me forgive him in a heart beat, I don't even need to hear it.
From the corner of my eye I notice Pastor Eran step to the front of the room. “It's almost time for the ball to drop,” he announces, turning on the TV in the front of the room. Everyone gathers around and I search for Liz. She's smiling at Hal and I can tell she's had a really good night.
I turn back to Jeremy, “How about you tell me tomorrow.”
He nods and everyone starts counting, “TEN!” we join in “NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!”
Jeremy and I look into each others eyes and I grin.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” everyone yells as Jeremy kisses me.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This is a really good story but I think you could go into a little bit more detail. What happened between Jeremy and Jessie? What is Jeremy like? You should go into more detail about how she felt going to a party where she didn't know anybody, how she felt seeing Jeremy? I want to know more!
This piece was good and a quick read, but it lacked depth. We don't know much about the characters aside from names. Is Hal short, is he tall, does he have dirty blonde hair, does he have emerald eyes, sapphire eyes, we have a vague idea of the area. It's in a house. It's a new years eve party. Sadly, it didn't call to me as if I was in the party. As a reader, I want to see these interactions, I want to hear the noise, to feel the heat. It's a good throw down piece, but that's about it. I hope this helps you im future writing.
Thelios
Hello there, Butterfly! I'm Rosie, and I'm here to share my thoughts on this piece.
Overall, this is a cute piece. Almost a little bit too cute for me, in fact. You've written it and organized it well; it's easy to read and I didn't have a problem keeping up with the storyline.
"My cousin Liz and I have decided to ring in the new year with people from church we don't know at the youth pastor's house who we also don't know. Sounds like fun. "
I think that you meant to write "bring in the new year." It's just a nitpick, but I still wanted to point it out. Also, I'd consider restructuring the first sentence. The part about "people from church we don't know at the youth pastor's house who we also don't know" feels a little bit strange to me.
Still, the element of this piece that I'm not crazy about isn't the punctuation or sentence structure. It's the story itself. When I read a story, I want to believe in the characters. I want them to affect me emotionally. This story feels too perfect.
The main character is willing to put her past behind her to kiss a boy who's obviously wronged her just because it's New Year's Eve. A night that didn't start out good has magically turned into a good night and everyone is happy because, well, it's New Year's Eve. I don't believe in it. I'm searching for depth in this story, for something to sink my teeth into, but I can't find it.
Create a story with flawed characters. Don't just tell me that the boy and girl have a past; tell me what their past was. Tell me how it was different for them than for everyone else. Give me interesting details.
Think about your characters. Is your main character an angry person that would fearlessly slap her former love across the face? Or is she sentimental, unable to separate herself from the past she has with the boy? Is she painfully shy, too caught up in books and her imagination to thoroughly understand the real world? Or is she a mixture of all of those things, not fully sure of herself? I need to know all of these things because knowing them is what will make this story matter to me. It will make me leave a comment telling you that your story is poignant, funny, etc. It will make your writing special.
I apologize if I've seemed harsh, but I see too much potential in this piece to refrain from telling you my thoughts. It's obvious that you're a good writer; you have the potential to tell amazing stories. If you disagree with anything I've said, please feel free to disregard my suggestions. At the end of the day, your opinion concerning your work is paramount.
Always keep writing!
-Rosie