Hey everyone! I wrote this for a contest in case you didn't read the description so tell me what you think but don't, please, please, please, say anything about the basic story itself because I'm hoping that something like this will happen to me... soo....help me out guys and tell me what you think of the title should I change it? Also check out my other stuff!!
He awoke to the sound of birds. 'Mmmm, beautiful,' he thought, 'I want to wake up everyday listening to the birds with that beautiful girl in my arms.' The beautiful girl whose name he still doesn't know. The beautiful girl who comes to Target all the time. The two of them watch each other. He hasn't had the guts to talk to her yet and she must be too afraid to talk to him. He groans in frustration with himself, covering his face with his hands, then rolls out of bed.
'Today will be the day, you will talk to her,' he commands himself.
He gets ready for work, then pulls on his clothes: tan pants, soft grey t-shirt, red sweatshirt, and neon orange vest.Then he spritzes himself with cologne and heads downstairs to his kitchen. His mom is there, making pancakes.
"Mmm, you smell good," she says. "Trying to impress that girl? Mwah!" she kisses him as he passes her on his way to the table.
"I think I'm going to talk to her today," he tells her as he plops into a chair.
"Well good for you, you've been making her wait long enough, poor thing." She frowns down at the pancakes for a second but then her sweet smile returns.
He eats his pancakes, grabs his keys, and heads out the door. He ducks into his car and drives himself to Target.
He's so excited and nervous about talking to this girl he can hardly contain himself. He's greeted by all the employees he passes, everyone loves him. He works a few excruciatingly long hours before she finally strolls in. The sun is hitting her hair and she's glowing and smiling. 'She looks like an angel,' he thinks. He has stopped walking and, for a second, stopped breathing. He regains his composure and continues to push around carts, like he had been doing, while still watching her.
Their eyes lock and he is filled with warmness as she smiles at him before ducking her head away. She has come in with her mother and who he assumes is her little brother, but he won't let that imtimidate him today. It feels like too long since he has seen her even though she was there two days ago.
He hurrys to get on a register as soon as he's sure they are very much out of sight. He helps customers and waits for her to return. A girl around his age is trying shamelessly to flirt with him but he barely notices as he is watching for the girl to return.
He finally sees her. They are looking for a register to go to. "I can help someone on two," he calls out. Her head whips to look at him and as their eyes lock he watches her smile spread. The warmness is back.
She is carrying a cd in one hand and a gift card in the other. Her mother greets him and he replies with a "hi." The girl hasn't put her cd on the belt.
Her mother moves along and watches her. She steps forward and hands him the cd. "One direction?" he questions her.
"That's what happens when you get curious," she says,"or at least when I get curious," she corrects herself.
He smirks.
She hands him her gift card and her mother says, "I'm going to take him to look at the toys." It's the first time the two of them have noticed her brother is screaming.
"Okay," she says, then turns back to him.
He hands the bag and her gift card and blurts, "I'm Jeremy."
"I know," she smiles, "your name tag," she points.
"Right," he says.
"I'm Juliana," she says quickly, "but you can call me Jules or Julie, or whatever you want," her cheeks are very red. He didn't think it was possible for her natural blush to get any darker.
"Jules, that's pretty."
"Thanks, I've always liked it," she smiles.
"I'd like to take you out sometime Jules."
"I'd like that too," she grins. "Here," she says as she pulls out her reciept from her bag, "do you have a pen?"
He looks around and finds one lying on his register. He silently thanks God. She writes down her number on the bottom of the reciept and hands it to him.
They beam at each other and before he knows what he is doing he leans over his register and cups her face in his hand and kisses her. She wraps her arms around his neck and slowly kisses him back. The warmness has turned into fireworks. He is on fire. With her arms still wrapped around him she grins and says, "It's about time."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Unsocialbutterfly,
You'd have forgotten it by now, but I'm here to review! (Sorry it took so long!) I'll make it up to you though and be as thorough as possible
For starters, I like the slice-of-life aspect of this. Jeremy and Jules seem like ordinary people in many ways, and I like that. I wish I would know more about them though. Your characters at this point seem really two-dimensional and I don't really know much about them, except that Jeremy/Jules are really into each other. But the thing about love/relationship and romance, is that it hinges on the characters, the people, and their interactions more than anything! So if you do decide to go back to expand on this, then I would try to show a scene between Jeremy/Jules interacting while at Target.
I like how Jeremy seems to have a good relationship with his mother, that's really refreshing to read and surprising too, because not many people his age would confide all of that to their mothers! So I thought that was interesting, and I'd love to see more of that mother/son relationship if you ever decide to expand on this.
Your pacing and your dialogue tags too are really well done! I thought I'd commend you for it, cause sometimes it's those little things, like the "he says/she says/he points, she smiles"placed in all of the right places that impress me
Now, you say not to comment on the story itself, as I completely understand a bit of wishful writing and there's nothing wrong with that ^_^ The trick to this kind of writing though is to make the narration allude/foreshadow to the ending. As it is right now, it seems obvious that this scene is something out of dreams/fantasy rather than anything that would happen in real life. It's hard to believe that a normal, everyday guy would just reach out and kiss a person he doesn't really know very well while he's in the middle of work! I mean, he can get fired for that.
However, there is such a way to make the ending believable if you use techniques like foreshadowing and allude to the crazy ending. Maybe if in the beginning, you mention something about spontaneous kisses. Or maybe you give us a clue somewhere, maybe while Jules is at Target she is in the books section and she comments on a particular scene, and Jeremy later finds that book and tries to recreate the scene?
Something to that effect. Anyway, these are just a few suggestions. Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck with the contest!
~ as always, Audy
You did an amazing job with this! I love the story line, and you didn't have any grammatical errors. I really couldn't find anything wrong with it. Something I usually mess up on through the course of my stories is the tense, but you didn't an great job with it
Keep writing!
-Sharie
did a*
Thanks for your like whoever you are
Well, it's good. I loved it very much. I can tell you have talent at writing. Everything flowed beautifully together and I didn't see any problem with grammar or anything like that. My favorite part is the very last part when he finally talks to her and kisses her. Keep on writing I'd love to see some more of your work.