“Can I take this off now?” I asked, grabbing for the blindfold.
“Not yet!” my mom said, guiding me down the last few stairs to our living room. She positioned me in the middle of the room. It smelled like a Ralph Lauren cologne. I scrunched up my eyes in confusion, nobody in my house smelled like that.
“Now?” I whined.
“Alright.”
I slipped off my blindfold and opened my eyes to-
“Nick Jonas?!” How-What-Why was Nick Jonas in my living room? Was I dreaming? I pinched myself to make sure. “Ouch,” I mumbled.
“Hi.” He smiled. “Your mom tweeted me and asked me if I’d take you to your prom. I happened to be visiting Kevin and Dani and you live pretty close by.”
“Are you excited?!” my mom asked.
“O my gosh! Yeah! Of course! Thank you!” I bounced over to her and hugged her and then bounced back to Nick and hugged him, too.
“Let me take pictures,” my mom said.
“I brought you this corsage,” he said, slipping the pretty white orchid on my wrist.
“Thank you, it’s so pretty!”
My mom took tons of pictures. We said goodbye to my parents and brothers and left.
We had an awesome time at prom. He had a limo. We took pictures and danced all night. He had to take a few pictures with fans but since most people know how much I love him, they mostly let us be. When the very last slow song came on Nick held me tight and sung it in my ear.
We got home at midnight. Nick got out of the limo first, opened the door for me, and gave me his hand to help me out. He laced his fingers through it. When we got to my door he took my other hand and laced those fingers through mine too. He rested his forehead against mine and then kissed me.
“So if you’re ever visiting Kevin again you can definitely come see me,” I whispered.
“I definitely will. And in the mean time,” he said and gave me his number.
“Goodnight Nick,” I whispered.
“Goodnight.”
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Thats a really good story, its short and too the point, you should make a detailed version of this story, so then you have your short story and a longer more detailed one as well. I thought this was really good, it made me feel happy for the girl and alittle giddy too. So dont listen to those awfull haters, your a great writer!!
S.K
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review...that's a good idea, maybe
Wow, a little over-imaginative there aren't we?
I like the whole concept of celebrity taking a fan to her prom. However, the way you presented that concept is in every way, infantile.
The description of everything wasn't enough. There was no elaboration or sumptuous description of the girl, her mum, the situation, her reactions to the situation and everything else.
It looks like you were really excited when writing this. And the excitement and imagination were not regulated to give the writing a refined turn out.
Hey there butterfly!
But just trying to help.
Be warned, this review may be pretty harsh
First off, it's not exciting at all. Think about reading about someone's life story. This was meant to be an exciting and romantic story, it was supposed to be surreal, unimaginable, like paradise to the character. Instead, this seemed like the normal date between any average guy and girl. There were many parts you could have elaborated on, made it more descriptive. Instead of showing, you're telling. It's like you're listing down every single thing that happened.
For example, when you character met Nick Jonas, she pretty much didn't have the normal reaction a fan girl would have. Screaming, shouting, jumping up and down. She just said thanks mum! Not a very realistic reaction.
And then there was,
" We had an awesome time at prom. He had a limo. We took pictures and danced all night. He had to take a few pictures with fans but since most people know how much I love him, they mostly let us be. When the very last slow song came on Nick held me tight and sung it in my ear."
This was supposed to be romantic, it was supposed to let the reader feel the joy that the character was experiencing. But it felt monotonous, the words you used didn't portray any excitement. As I said, listing down events. Took pictures, danced, taking pictures with fans, Nick singing to her, and then back home. It's...not exactly interesting, although it certainly could be.
This is really just the average night out, and it didn't seem exciting at all. It's the character meeting a superstar and there's no paparazzi? Other fans seem to just leave them alone pretty much. No hardcore fan girls trying to kiss Nick Jonas?
Overall the two main things you should work on are, the feel of the story, make it exciting when it should be, make it sad when it should be. The realism too, think about your story in real life. What would happen if Nick Jonas turned up at your house one day?
I hope I wasn't too harsh, and I do look forward to see your other works!
No, thanks, it wasn't too harsh. The only thing is that this has to be like 200-400 words. Not a lot to work with :/ but I really appreciate your review