A short story I wrote for a contest. Why should you vote for me? Because I love magazines. Because I really want to be a writer and I think it would be cool to be published in any/every magazine. Because I could really, really use the prize. And mostly because I hope you like my story and I enjoyed writing it. So (heart) my story here:
http://figment.com/books/491127-Falling-In-Love-at-Oliver-s-Coffee-Shop
I took a train to New York to stay with my uncle, John, for a few days. He picked me up, took me back to his apartment, then left for work.
I’ve been looking at all the stores. The streets are crowded so I should be paying attention but I suddenly bump into someone. Tingles run up my spine.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say.
“It’s fine.”
I look at his light brown curls and blue eyes. “Jake?” I ask, surprised.
“Sasha Bella? Hey!,” he smiles.
“This is so weird. I can’t believe I ran into you.” I run my fingers through my long, mostly straight, dark hair.
We’re juniors. Jake moved to New York when we were in 4th grade. We were best friends. We used to say we were going to get married. I felt the tingles then, too.
“Yeah, what are you doing in New York?”
“Visiting my uncle.”
“Cool! Well, hey, I have to go. Summer job,” he shrugs. “Why don’t you give me your number and we could get coffee later?”he asks.
“Yeah, absolutely,” I say.
He smiles, “see you.”
“Bye,” I wave.
*******
“I love this place. I found it a couple of years after I moved to the city. The owner’s great. Plus they have killer coffee.”
“Awesome.”
There’s two giant glass windows on either side of the small coffee shop’s door. The walls are a light brown and there’s three tables inside. Only one couple is inside. There’s a closet where they must keep their stock and stairs leading to the apartment above
“Hey! Jacob!” the old man behind the counter yells.
“Hey Oliver,” Jacob smiles.
“Your usual?” Oliver asks.
“Yep.”
“And for the lady?”
“Hot chocolate,” I smile at him.
He hands me my hot chocolate and Jacob plain black coffee.
“You seem to know Oliver pretty well,” I say as we sit down.
“Yeah, he’s kind of like my adopted grandfather,” he smiles.
He gulps some coffee.
“Ew, you drink it plain?”
“Yep,” he smiles.
I laugh.
When the shop is empty Oliver comes over to chat with us.
“Woah, it’s nine already. I’d better get you back,” Jake says to me, “and let you close up,” he points to Oliver.
Jacob and Oliver walk to the counter. Jake pays the bill and slips a dollar into the tip jar when Oliver isn’t looking.
“Ready?” Jake asks me.
“Yep,” I grin and stand up.
“See ya Oliver,” Jake calls.
“Bye kiddo. Nice meeting you,” he says to me.
“You too,” I tell him.
Jake drives me home. When we get back to John’s he opens the door, bows deeply, and extends his hand. I giggle and grab it.
“Thanks for tonight,” I say.
“Sure,” he smiles and shrugs, “I missed you Sasha B. I’ve never stopped thinking about you.” He leans in and cups my face in his hands. He kisses me and it’s electric.
He rests his forehead against mine. “Use that number okay?” I whisper.
“Every chance I get.”
hello butterfly,
i liked reading it..its good. i was stranded with the very first line. for a moment i thought that the girl was looking at all the stores from the apartment (sitting near a window)
" I run my fingers through my long, mostly straight, dark hair."
this line is right in place. because it is the natural reaction of most of the girls when they meet someone they like.( especially a man).
you got me there...! i liked it...
its good for a short story but you need to fill in more details to make it portray the love between the long seen. give in more conversation through eyes that would raise the feel of love. (especially when oliver joins them, the eyes thing will take to fly)
its a suggestion from me and i liked it..
keep writing..!
I know, every one keeps telling me it needs to be more detailed. I seriously wish I could but its only supposed to be 500 words. Thanks so much for your review! I appreciate it
Butterfly... This was great.
Here's my review:
Everything spelling/grammar wise is good. A little more detail would be good but other then that your structure is basic. Like any story. But it's functional, good, it works with this story. I would like more emotion though. I didn't exactly catch the feelings between the characters. And the history behind them should be more vivid, tell us more.
I'm shocked how she recognized him right away. And he recognized her. They haven't seen each other in years! Tell us HOW they recognized each other. Like, "I knew it was him by his oh-so-blue eyes." or something like that. Give some back story to this or make them take a while to familiarize themselves.
ALL IN ALL: This story was breathtaking, romantic, and oh-so-cute. Like, adorable. I loved this so much.
Thank you so much! Yeah, writing this was kinda difficult because I could only use 500 words so I had to cut all kinds of corners
Hey Butterfly! I'm gonna write a quick review of your work. As is common for my meager reviews, I'm going to focus on the five conventions of writing, first, the three technical aspects, organization, structure, and word choice. And finally, the abstract aspects, voice and idea. And good luck with your contest! You're a shoe-in!
We'll start with structure. Your story structure is basic and functional, nothing wrong there. The only thing is, there's not much conflict. I understand this is a romance, but your characters just seem to float into each other and everything's just fine. I'm assuming the last time they met was when they were in the fourth grade, I could be wrong. If that's the case, I would elaborate more on how they catch up with each other.
When the story starts, I felt like there was a lot thrown at me. It'd be nice to have some developmental scenes as she's on the train maybe. The transition to the second section is a good chance to fill in some interesting details. Maybe elaborate on Sasha's relationship with her uncle, there's a good chance for conflict there. Also, how does she feel about going out for coffee with Jake?
Your word choice was good. Your character uses the phrases a sixteen-seventeen year old would use. Your character's voice felt relate-able, but I'd like to know her a little better. Where's she from? What type of things excite her/scare her about New York? Has she been there much before? Things like that could add a lot of depth to your characters.
Your idea is great. You convey it well, but it's a little straight forward. After reading some comments, I understand that you only have five hundred words. :/ I know how constricting such a small limit can be. You story has a ton of potential, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to expand on this! Great job, and keep writing!
Thanks! Your review means a lot
I agree with CaptainFinick, your descriptions are weak. In the first paragraph, for example, you might want to go back and describe the setting she's in a little more. You jumped right from talking about her going to her uncles, to her suddenly bumping into someone. Take a moment to talk about the street she's walking on or the store that caught her attention, maybe.
Now, in my opinion, that phone conversation in the middle seems unnecessary. Instead, you could have incorporated Jake's idea to get coffee in their previous conversation. The phone conversation was just short and interrupted the flow of the story.
I liked how the coffee shop seemed homey because of the relationship between Jake and Oliver, but I would have liked to know more about the shops physical description. I would have also liked to know why the characters "fell in love" there (referring to the title). It didn't seem to me like anything more than just friends hanging out, honestly. I think it'd sound nicer if you described the characters thoughts and feelings while they're with Jake, possibly.
It was a very cute story, though I'm not one for characters who "fall in love" at first sight, so to speak. ^^; Goodluck with your contest dear!
Thanks so much for your suggestions!
Good work
I'm not a fan of romance and I don't read romantic fiction.
But I found this and decided it might be a good idea to read it.
You used some good descriptive language in this piece of work and you have written the conversations between the characters well.
I also enjoyed the way you wrote this piece of work; in the first person.
However I did find some marginal errors in this and I would like to point them out to you to help you with your writing.
Although your conversational writing was good it did become a little confusing for me at times.
Also, although your describing skills were good, you're description of the coffee shop was a little, for want of a better word, weak.
You're descriptions, to summarise, were good but small and your work could really benefit from you expanding your descriptions and trying to involve a variety of different words.
To help expand your vocabulary look up words in dictionaries and thesaurus''
Good luck with the writing.
Thanks so much for your review! I know it could use more detail and stuff but I can only write 500 words for this contest so it sucks :/ but I appreciate your review! Could you vote for me? Links at the top now