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Wishes to fly

by tropicalmango


Gentle breeze lingering

Sunlight nibbling on my outstretched toes

The world an island of lush and bountiful emerald

Munching away peacefully on juicy leaves

The snarls and roars oblivious to my presence

Unseen, unheard, unnoticed

Another tiny speck in sea of tender green

Whoosh

First time my gaze ponders up above

Graceful figures waltzing as if in love

In a foreign vast expanse of azure

Sharp against their glowing stature

Their exuberant radiance

Shown amidst their carefree defiance

To that which keeps me bound

Forever married to the ground

Soon they left

Melting seamlessly into the horizon

But forever staying in my mind

Oh how I yearned I burned I desired

To have wings to call my own

To fly freely amongst the clouds and explore this land of blue

To evolve and grow

After one longest night’s sleep

I woke

To find my prayers answered

Prying away wet and soggy blankets to find

Gorgeous wings of honey veined with elegant sable

It was surreal

Pure ecstasy

To morph into this being of beauty

Flap, Flap, Flap

Faster, higher, harder

Diving deeper into the cerulean sky

But my friend the wind

His kindly whispers

Now changed to vicious blows

Further I flew, crowds of people gathered around

I imagined them singing out my name

Admiring my beautiful wings of flame

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclick

Blinding white lights everywhere

Spiraling out of control

Smashed onto a branch

Sharp clawed figures

With predatory glow in vicious eyes

Fixated

On those yummy scrumptious wings

Ice coursed my veins as I fled

My heart thumping faster than it ever had

With wings I can fly

But now I can’t ever stop

Familiar green can’t hide me anymore

Oh how I yearned I burned I desired

To lose this foolish false faccade of freedom

In wishing to fly,

I have only devolved


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Mon Jun 05, 2023 1:04 pm
alpacaboss wrote a review...



Hello! Alpacaboss here :)

Thanks for reviewing some of my works by the way. I really appreciate it

Random Side Note:
Actually, a piece of music came to mind when I saw the title. It was "Fly" by Ludovico Einaudi. And I really suggest you have a listen, because, personally, your poem is like a beautiful interpretation of the piece.

Actual Review:

Gentle breeze lingering
Sunlight nibbling on my outstretched toes
The world an island of lush and bountiful emerald
Munching away peacefully on juicy leaves
The snarls and roars oblivious to my presence
Unseen, unheard, unnoticed
Another tiny speck in sea of tender green


I love the lush and vivid scenery that you’ve painted here. The descriptions make it seem tangible to the reader, immersing them in the story. You hinted to something fishy in this first part with the descriptions of snarls and roars. The overall picture you gave here was of something (or possibly someone) that was naive and oblivious to the ugly nature of the world they were in.

Whoosh
First time my gaze ponders up above
Graceful figures waltzing as if in love
In a foreign vast expanse of azure
Sharp against their glowing stature
Their exuberant radiance
Shown amidst their carefree defiance
To that which keeps me bound
Forever married to the ground
Soon they left
Melting seamlessly into the horizon


There are quite a load of interpretations one can give this. Basically, the narrator saw something desirable. Perhaps it was freedom, the glimpse of the unknown, a forbidden fruit. You were able to portray the wonder they have for those taking flight.

But forever staying in my mind
Oh how I yearned I burned I desired
To have wings to call my own
To fly freely amongst the clouds and explore this land of blue
To evolve and grow
After one longest night’s sleep
I woke
To find my prayers answered
Prying away wet and soggy blankets to find
Gorgeous wings of honey veined with elegant sable
It was surreal
Pure ecstasy
To morph into this being of beauty
Flap, Flap, Flap
Faster, higher, harder
Diving deeper into the cerulean sky


What joy! The narrator's deepest desire was answered. The short quick phrases such as "I woke" and "Pure ecstasy" show the breathlessness and joy of the narrator. At least, that's how I view it because I would do that too. :)

But my friend the wind
His kindly whispers
Now changed to vicious blows
Further I flew, crowds of people gathered around
I imagined them singing out my name
Admiring my beautiful wings of flame
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclick
Blinding white lights everywhere
Spiraling out of control
Smashed onto a branch
Sharp clawed figures
With predatory glow in vicious eyes
Fixated
On those yummy scrumptious wings


Oh no, here comes reality. It's strange how this fantastical setting turns into one with modern elements. Crowds of people, cameras flashing, it's a strange thing. What's even more strange for me was the description of the animal that would prey on the poor narrator. It is detailed, gory even, but it adds to the dramatic effect.

Ice coursed my veins as I fled
My heart thumping faster than it ever had
With wings I can fly
But now I can’t ever stop
Familiar green can’t hide me anymore
Oh how I yearned I burned I desired
To lose this foolish false faccade of freedom
In wishing to fly,
I have only devolved


What a tragic ending to the story, one that started out in hope and ended up in despair. It warns audience to be careful with their wishes and that sometimes it's better to stay on the safe side than go too far into the unknown.

Overall, this is a wonderful poem! Thinking about it further, the best logical way to explain this is that they let a baby bird (probably) grow inside a predator's cage and once they flew...chomp. But it's a great poem with a lesson to be careful with what you wish. I really wanted to make this review longer but school works call for me. Farewell and see you soon!




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Mon Jun 05, 2023 9:17 am
AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hey there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to give you a review/comment. Another review for the day for the tortoise race, hihi. c:

I like how to induction started with descriptions about the air and the breeze, and about how much you want to fly. This also seems interesting because I remember voting in a forum, if that's what they are called. And one person only choose how to fly with beautiful wings. It reminds me of that song, "I believe I can fly".

When I kept on reading on, I thought that, it is good to imagine and wish to fly. Fly away from this place and go to a place where your fantasies and dreams happen. It is good to dream. I do dream a lot as a teenage girl, but sometimes, it feels better to except reality. Or it's like, I want to fly and chase my dream faster because my big wings will take me there. I love how I can imagine a lot of stuff with this. Good job on that. Writing wise, it would be better if you would add more punctuations. But my favorite line is: "Oh how I yearned I burned I desired".

Overall, it is a good poem. I would love to see more writings of yours. I see you are also new here, you joined yesterday! Have a beautiful day/night c:




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Sun Jun 04, 2023 6:00 pm
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hello! This is a random weirdo here to give you a short review.

I absolutely love the message of this poem! (Or at least what I and the reviewer below me interpret it to be)

One thing that threw me off a little: There's one kinda-stanza where everything rhymes, but the rest of the poem doesn't.

First time my gaze ponders up above

Graceful figures waltzing as if in love

In a foreign vast expanse of azure

Sharp against their glowing stature

Their exuberant radiance

Shown amidst their carefree defiance

To that which keeps me bound

Forever married to the ground


Changing that would make it more constant. However, I like the way it already is, and honestly it doesn't need to be changed. (Also, this is my favorite part!)

Overall, this is one of my favorite poems. I can't wait to read more of what you have in the future!

Remember, I'm an inexperienced writer. Take what you like and leave the rest.

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tropicalmango says...


Hi thanks for the review! Ok so in regards to the use of rhyming couplets for that stanza only, I was attempting to portray how that was an unrealistic , one-sided and overly romanticised portrayl of a butterfly's life, since rhyming couplets were traditionally used to portray love and romance.



OrabellaAvenue says...


Oh, cool! I didn't know that. Well, I just wanted to let you know in case you didn't notice, but again, I do really like it the way it is.



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Sun Jun 04, 2023 9:36 am
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there! Welcome to YWS! Lim here with a review.

General Impressions and Interpretation

Initially, this poem felt kind of dream-like, with a mixture of natural and technological motifs. I hadn’t expected cameras to appear at the end, but they did, which was interesting. When I first read it, it did have this sort of otherworldly atmosphere, maybe because of how human-like and yet different the speaker’s perspective felt with the descriptions of things being much bigger than they are and also with the high degree of personification. It does get visceral especially towards the end with the description of creatures that want to eat the speaker’s wings, describing them as “yummy” and “scrumptious”.

The gist of the message seems to be ‘be careful what you wish for’, as the speaker’s initial desire brings them unintended consequences. I interpret this being about a caterpillar turning into the butterfly (especially with the mention of a “soggy” blanket which I think is probably a cocoon, while the “sharp clawed figures” are birds). I’d imagine it could also transfer well to being about fictional animals in a world different from ours because of that ‘otherworldly’ atmosphere I mentioned, but the butterfly interpretation seems to be more likely here. c:

Imagery

I like how you used lots of sensory imagery and colour, as it makes the poem more vivid in my mind. The imagery also is intense and fitting enough to convey particular attitudes that are important to the narrative of the poem, such as the idyllic life of the speaker “munching away”. The word “munch” does seem kind of cute and innocent, which clues us in that the speaker might be depicted as a small loveable animal here, such as a caterpillar. The “sea of tender green” also helps convey the impression that the speaker’s life is good even without the wings, which foreshadows the poem’s conclusion. I also like that you used specific colour terms like “honey” and “sable” for the speaker’s wings – that line stood out, which conveyed the speaker’s awe at finally receiving their own wings (and makes the contrast with what happens next a lot stronger).

Structure

I noticed that the poem was one long stanza, without being divided into smaller groups of lines. There’s also no punctuation at the end of each line, so when I read it out loud, I had to just guess where to pause. Something to think about would maybe be using stanza breaks, or adding commas or full stops/ periods in places where the reader should pause for breath. That might help make the poem easier to read, and also help convey how you want to the poem to be read.

Something I liked about the structure was the following line:

Oh how I yearned I burned I desired

In this particular place, the lack of commas seems to have a meaningful effect, where it makes the line seem like a fast stream of thought, emphasising that the speaker was ‘yearning’.

Overall

I thought this was an interesting take on the themes of wishes and ambition. The indirect description of what exactly the speaker and the winged creatures were made me curious to figure out what they were and the focus on the vibrant colours of the natural world also makes it stand out. My main suggestion if you plan to revise this would be to focus on how things like line breaks, stanza breaks and punctuation convey the effects or feelings of the poem. I looked around in the Knowledge Base for some pointers on this and found this article that might be interesting to you.

Keep writing!
-Lim

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tropicalmango says...


Thanks so much for your review, really appreciate it!!




Hail Hydra
— Stan Lee