Young Writers Society

Hello! Alpacaboss here

Thanks for reviewing some of my works by the way. I really appreciate it

Random Side Note:
Actually, a piece of music came to mind when I saw the title. It was "Fly" by Ludovico Einaudi. And I really suggest you have a listen, because, personally, your poem is like a beautiful interpretation of the piece.

Actual Review:

Gentle breeze lingering
Sunlight nibbling on my outstretched toes
The world an island of lush and bountiful emerald
Munching away peacefully on juicy leaves
The snarls and roars oblivious to my presence
Unseen, unheard, unnoticed
Another tiny speck in sea of tender green

Whoosh
First time my gaze ponders up above
Graceful figures waltzing as if in love
In a foreign vast expanse of azure
Sharp against their glowing stature
Their exuberant radiance
Shown amidst their carefree defiance
To that which keeps me bound
Forever married to the ground
Soon they left
Melting seamlessly into the horizon

But forever staying in my mind
Oh how I yearned I burned I desired
To have wings to call my own
To fly freely amongst the clouds and explore this land of blue
To evolve and grow
After one longest night’s sleep
I woke
To find my prayers answered
Prying away wet and soggy blankets to find
Gorgeous wings of honey veined with elegant sable
It was surreal
Pure ecstasy
To morph into this being of beauty
Flap, Flap, Flap
Faster, higher, harder
Diving deeper into the cerulean sky

But my friend the wind
His kindly whispers
Now changed to vicious blows
Further I flew, crowds of people gathered around
I imagined them singing out my name
Admiring my beautiful wings of flame
Clickclickclickclickclickclickclick
Blinding white lights everywhere
Spiraling out of control
Smashed onto a branch
Sharp clawed figures
With predatory glow in vicious eyes
Fixated
On those yummy scrumptious wings

Ice coursed my veins as I fled
My heart thumping faster than it ever had
With wings I can fly
But now I can’t ever stop
Familiar green can’t hide me anymore
Oh how I yearned I burned I desired
To lose this foolish false faccade of freedom
In wishing to fly,
I have only devolved

Hey there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to give you a review/comment. Another review for the day for the tortoise race, hihi. c:

I like how to induction started with descriptions about the air and the breeze, and about how much you want to fly. This also seems interesting because I remember voting in a forum, if that's what they are called. And one person only choose how to fly with beautiful wings. It reminds me of that song, "I believe I can fly".

When I kept on reading on, I thought that, it is good to imagine and wish to fly. Fly away from this place and go to a place where your fantasies and dreams happen. It is good to dream. I do dream a lot as a teenage girl, but sometimes, it feels better to except reality. Or it's like, I want to fly and chase my dream faster because my big wings will take me there. I love how I can imagine a lot of stuff with this. Good job on that. Writing wise, it would be better if you would add more punctuations. But my favorite line is: "Oh how I yearned I burned I desired".

Overall, it is a good poem. I would love to see more writings of yours. I see you are also new here, you joined yesterday! Have a beautiful day/night c:

Hello! This is a random weirdo here to give you a short review.

I absolutely love the message of this poem! (Or at least what I and the reviewer below me interpret it to be)

One thing that threw me off a little: There's one kinda-stanza where everything rhymes, but the rest of the poem doesn't.

First time my gaze ponders up above

Graceful figures waltzing as if in love

In a foreign vast expanse of azure

Sharp against their glowing stature

Their exuberant radiance

Shown amidst their carefree defiance

To that which keeps me bound

Forever married to the ground

Hi there! Welcome to YWS! Lim here with a review.

General Impressions and Interpretation

Initially, this poem felt kind of dream-like, with a mixture of natural and technological motifs. I hadn’t expected cameras to appear at the end, but they did, which was interesting. When I first read it, it did have this sort of otherworldly atmosphere, maybe because of how human-like and yet different the speaker’s perspective felt with the descriptions of things being much bigger than they are and also with the high degree of personification. It does get visceral especially towards the end with the description of creatures that want to eat the speaker’s wings, describing them as “yummy” and “scrumptious”.

The gist of the message seems to be ‘be careful what you wish for’, as the speaker’s initial desire brings them unintended consequences. I interpret this being about a caterpillar turning into the butterfly (especially with the mention of a “soggy” blanket which I think is probably a cocoon, while the “sharp clawed figures” are birds). I’d imagine it could also transfer well to being about fictional animals in a world different from ours because of that ‘otherworldly’ atmosphere I mentioned, but the butterfly interpretation seems to be more likely here. c:

Imagery

I like how you used lots of sensory imagery and colour, as it makes the poem more vivid in my mind. The imagery also is intense and fitting enough to convey particular attitudes that are important to the narrative of the poem, such as the idyllic life of the speaker “munching away”. The word “munch” does seem kind of cute and innocent, which clues us in that the speaker might be depicted as a small loveable animal here, such as a caterpillar. The “sea of tender green” also helps convey the impression that the speaker’s life is good even without the wings, which foreshadows the poem’s conclusion. I also like that you used specific colour terms like “honey” and “sable” for the speaker’s wings – that line stood out, which conveyed the speaker’s awe at finally receiving their own wings (and makes the contrast with what happens next a lot stronger).

Structure

I noticed that the poem was one long stanza, without being divided into smaller groups of lines. There’s also no punctuation at the end of each line, so when I read it out loud, I had to just guess where to pause. Something to think about would maybe be using stanza breaks, or adding commas or full stops/ periods in places where the reader should pause for breath. That might help make the poem easier to read, and also help convey how you want to the poem to be read.

Something I liked about the structure was the following line:

Oh how I yearned I burned I desired