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12+ Violence

Mayday, Prologue

by tropicalmango


Stars danced amidst the cool night sky, holding hands with whitish moon, sending a faint hue onto the soft grass beneath my feet. The countryside was a serene painting-like landscape, dotted with hand-laid brick houses, each the coloured a mellow maroon. It was a beautiful night, much more beautiful than anything I would ever have seen back where I came from. I stood there for a moment, just absorbing their etheral presence and basking under nature’s warm embrace. For a moment I felt peace. 

It was a shame. A real pity. That blood had to be spilt on such a night. 

I walked slowly, savouring the crinkling of wet grass under the step of my boot, and the slight smoosh of mud. My eyes were fixated on that one house, who’s coat of paint was slightly fresher and redder than the rest. Every step I took, my heart beat a little faster, adrenaline started streaming in. The familiar hum of energy started drumming within me, like a comforting rhythm, spreading warmth to the rest of my body.

Before I even reached the house, I spotted a familiar silhouette standing solemnly at the door, staring at me straight on, beside him the outline of a long-haired woman. Of course he knew I was coming before I did. There was only one reason why he would’ve chosen to make a stand after months of running. He knew just as well as I did. There was nowhere else to go. We had him cornered, like a fly caught in a spider’s web.

And I would be the spider to devour him.

“Rowan. How nice of you to pay us a visit.” The voice that once held warmth and regard for me was now laced with icy venom. Luke looked up, his jaw squared and teeth clenched, a vicious fury shone from his eyes that I had often seen, but never directed towards myself. I thought back to the time I was at death’s door, bullet holes decorating me like bloody embriodery. How he saved me back then. A twinge of guilt and nostalgia surfaced, but it was quickly repressed. I had a job to do.

“Luke. Clara. You brought this upon yourself.”

“How ironic, that they would send my best friend after me to take my life”

“What’s ironic is how he said yes.”

“If only you understood Rowan, if only you knew…”

Oh but I did. He just had no idea how much. 

I had to end him before my emotions would get the better of me. I had to do this to prove my loyalty.

That once gentle hum now entered a roaring crescendo, lighting my blood on fire. Power coursed through me. I was power. I charged straight at the Luke, throwing my strength into every step, death written all over me. Whoosh. Where my fist should have evaporated Luke’s face, there was now only air. I heard a dull thud, then looked down to notice Luke had lashed out with a low kick to my knee. It was so insignificant I heard the blow instead of feeling it. Have the months made you so weak? I thought, as I lashed out with a medley of punches and kicks. He gracefully side-stepped all of them, even when I was moving at speeds far beyond superhuman; it was like he could see them before they happened.

Well he sort of could.

Even without his crystal, Luke was still strong, if he was properly equipped I would’ve been utterly annihalated. Now though, all I had to do was wear him out. I continued chasing after him with a random frenzy of blows, making them as unpredictable as possible. As expected, every blow came closer and closer, with my fist grazing his cheek, drawing first blood.

Eventually, I landed a kick to the side of his ribs that sent him flying back a few meters, landing like a mangled piece of meat. A wheezy breath of desperation escaped his lips, before crumpling back down, the life leaving his body. I had just killed my best friend of twenty years, potentially the greatest genius of our generation; yet I felt nothing but a cold calm.

That was when I felt the hot metal pierce the fibres of my chest, knocking me back a few steps. I looked to see Clara with a feverish look of desperation, aiming a pistol at me. Before I could recover, she unloaded the whole clip into me. I staggered backwards, dropping onto on knee and coughing up copious amounts of blood. I was badly wounded, but there was no penetration ot the internal organs. I was lucky it was just small arms fire, or I would have been off much worse.

Groaning against the coppery taste in my mouth and the burning in my chest, I reached down to my belt where my knife was. While she was reloading another magazine in, I threw it with pinpoint accuracy, lodging it right into the crevice of her neck.

I dragged myself over to where she fell. She glared at me with a blazing intensity.

I pounded her face into an indent of muddy red.

The deed was done. I had proven my loyalty.

There was no thought of the repurcussions as I limped back to my vehicle, colouring the landscape a dark crimson.

I did not know about the child watching me silently from within the house.


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Mon Jun 05, 2023 1:19 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was quite a nice little prologue here. I think you've done a lovely job in terms of building up a very intense situation very quickly. I think despite us having little context, the thing that are happening are clear enough for us to get a good enough sense of it and feel the power of what's going on. Its balanced nicely to get us to really want to read the rest of the story and I think in that sense this prologue has worked very well. =

Anyway let's get right to it,

Stars danced amidst the cool night sky, holding hands with whitish moon, sending a faint hue onto the soft grass beneath my feet. The countryside was a serene painting-like landscape, dotted with hand-laid brick houses, each the coloured a mellow maroon. It was a beautiful night, much more beautiful than anything I would ever have seen back where I came from. I stood there for a moment, just absorbing their etheral presence and basking under nature’s warm embrace. For a moment I felt peace.

I walked slowly, savouring the crinkling of wet grass under the step of my boot, and the slight smoosh of mud. My eyes were fixated on that one house, who’s coat of paint was slightly fresher and redder than the rest. Every step I took, my heart beat a little faster, adrenaline started streaming in. The familiar hum of energy started drumming within me, like a comforting rhythm, spreading warmth to the rest of my body.


Well this is a lovely little opening here. Very simple little scene that you've gone and set up for us and I think it works really quite well in just sort of setting up a nice little atmosphere and also drawing us right into the story quite quickly with the tiny hints of backstory and mystery that we get.

Before I even reached the house, I spotted a familiar silhouette standing solemnly at the door, staring at me straight on, beside him the outline of a long-haired woman. Of course he knew I was coming before I did. There was only one reason why he would’ve chosen to make a stand after months of running. He knew just as well as I did. There was nowhere else to go. We had him cornered, like a fly caught in a spider’s web.

And I would be the spider to devour him.

“Rowan. How nice of you to pay us a visit.” The voice that once held warmth and regard for me was now laced with icy venom. Luke looked up, his jaw squared and teeth clenched, a vicious fury shone from his eyes that I had often seen, but never directed towards myself. I thought back to the time I was at death’s door, bullet holes decorating me like bloody embriodery. How he saved me back then. A twinge of guilt and nostalgia surfaced, but it was quickly repressed. I had a job to do.


Oooh well that tells you quite a lot. I love how powerfully that's worded and how with just the way you've described the general expression and the thoughts there we immediately get a good sense of the kind of relationship between the two and what might have existed between the two. This definitely makes us immediately a little invested in things so that's very well done.

“Luke. Clara. You brought this upon yourself.”

“How ironic, that they would send my best friend after me to take my life”

“What’s ironic is how he said yes.”

“If only you understood Rowan, if only you knew…”

Oh but I did. He just had no idea how much.

I had to end him before my emotions would get the better of me. I had to do this to prove my loyalty.


Oooh well that introduces even more fun little possibilities into the mix and I am really loving this so far. Its all set to really create a very powerful scene here and I'm sure once we understand the full significance of everything and all of the context this is going to be even more powerful and I for one find myself wanting to find that context out.

That once gentle hum now entered a roaring crescendo, lighting my blood on fire. Power coursed through me. I was power. I charged straight at the Luke, throwing my strength into every step, death written all over me. Whoosh. Where my fist should have evaporated Luke’s face, there was now only air. I heard a dull thud, then looked down to notice Luke had lashed out with a low kick to my knee. It was so insignificant I heard the blow instead of feeling it. Have the months made you so weak? I thought, as I lashed out with a medley of punches and kicks. He gracefully side-stepped all of them, even when I was moving at speeds far beyond superhuman; it was like he could see them before they happened.

Well he sort of could.

Even without his crystal, Luke was still strong, if he was properly equipped I would’ve been utterly annihalated. Now though, all I had to do was wear him out. I continued chasing after him with a random frenzy of blows, making them as unpredictable as possible. As expected, every blow came closer and closer, with my fist grazing his cheek, drawing first blood.


Oooh I am loving this fight scene already. It seems we've got something approaching super powers in this particular mix and I love the no nonsense within action way you've introduced them and now they're being thrown into this fight really well I think. You're also telling us just enough for us to understand what's going on without slowing us down by going too elaborate on the descriptions and this is going great so far.

Eventually, I landed a kick to the side of his ribs that sent him flying back a few meters, landing like a mangled piece of meat. A wheezy breath of desperation escaped his lips, before crumpling back down, the life leaving his body. I had just killed my best friend of twenty years, potentially the greatest genius of our generation; yet I felt nothing but a cold calm.

That was when I felt the hot metal pierce the fibres of my chest, knocking me back a few steps. I looked to see Clara with a feverish look of desperation, aiming a pistol at me. Before I could recover, she unloaded the whole clip into me. I staggered backwards, dropping onto on knee and coughing up copious amounts of blood. I was badly wounded, but there was no penetration ot the internal organs. I was lucky it was just small arms fire, or I would have been off much worse.


Well that's quite the move. For starters I love the sheer power of killing off someone that dear and the fact that we've got to see our protagonist in the moment having to just shrug it off and keep fighting without even managing to acknowledge it properly. In fact I almost feel like the reaction is a little too muted for how powerful it should be but I assume there's a bit of an explanation to be had with why this person even got to this point. Then of course the attack there while also nicely causing us to flow forward into the fight is also a very nice twist in the dynamics of the fight and it also showcases quite how powerful this person must be and you get the feeling these powers were given by whatever caused this person to come here and murder these close friends.

Groaning against the coppery taste in my mouth and the burning in my chest, I reached down to my belt where my knife was. While she was reloading another magazine in, I threw it with pinpoint accuracy, lodging it right into the crevice of her neck.

I dragged myself over to where she fell. She glared at me with a blazing intensity.

I pounded her face into an indent of muddy red.

The deed was done. I had proven my loyalty.

There was no thought of the repurcussions as I limped back to my vehicle, colouring the landscape a dark crimson.

I did not know about the child watching me silently from within the house.


Well that was quite the end. Loving the ruthless efficiency towards the end and you can almost see a little progression in this person's thoughts from not wanting to do thing to acceptance that its happening anyway to just complete devotion to that cause and thinking that they are successful having caused such pain and suffering. I am going to assume that was a couple that was just killed and now this child is going to have a say in the main story. Its a nice little moment to end on and I think its the perfect little cliffhanger to very much make us want to find out what happens in the book itself.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've got yourself a very powerful little prologue here. I can say that its certainly done enough to get me to want to read more of this story. I am already invested in knowing what happened here in its full context and learning more about what that child will one day do.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




tropicalmango says...


Thanks so much for the review!!!



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Mon Jun 05, 2023 9:29 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi tropicalmango! A warm welcome to YWS :) Also, your username has given me a strong desire for a nice cold drink... I hope that doesn't happen every time I read it xD

Thanks for sharing your work with us! I'm excited to be the first to review it :)
(Small tweak right off the bat, but you've got a typo in your title because Prolouge should be Prologue - I'm not usually one to point out small typors but figured as this one is in your title it probably warrants a mention!)

As an introduction, this piece sets a suspenseful and dramatic tone for the story to come. It introduces the reader to a mysterious and intense situation, leaving them with questions and a desire to learn more. The opening paragraph effectively captures the beauty and serenity of the surroundings, creating a stark contrast to the impending confrontation.

Descriptive Imagery: You have a knack for creating beautiful imagery with your words. The opening paragraph, with its description of the night sky and the countryside, sets a serene and picturesque scene. However, in some instances, the descriptions could be refined further to create even more vivid images. Consider using sensory details to engage the reader's senses and make them feel more immersed in the scene. For example, instead of simply mentioning the soft grass, you could describe its scent or how it feels against the protagonist's fingertips.

Action Sequences: The fight scene between the protagonist and Luke is intense, but it could benefit from a clearer description of the physical movements. While you touch on the blows and kicks exchanged, providing more specific details about the choreography of the fight would make it more dynamic and engaging. You have the opportunity to showcase the protagonist's skills and make the readers feel the impact of each blow.

Foreshadowing: The revelation of the child watching silently from within the house at the end is a powerful twist. However, it feels a bit sudden and disconnected from the rest of the story. Consider incorporating subtle hints or foreshadowing throughout the narrative to create a sense of anticipation and make the twist more satisfying. This could be done through the protagonist's observations or fleeting glimpses of the child earlier in the story, which would make the ending feel more cohesive.

Overall, as a prologue, this piece effectively captures the reader's attention, establishes the story's atmosphere, and presents the main characters and their motivations. It sets the stage for the upcoming narrative, leaving the reader eager to delve deeper into the story and uncover the secrets and revelations that will follow. I feel like the child in the house might our main character for the rest of the novel, going to avenge the deaths of Luke and Clara? I'm looking forward to finding out!

One last point is that you've got some quite graphic descriptions in here. I'd urge you to pop a rating on this piece for violence, and perhaps make it a 16+ so those reading it have a bit of warning of what they're in for. Give me a shout if you're not sure how to do that and I'd be happy to help!

Hope this was helpful!

Icy

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