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Fall from the peak

by tropicalmango

I used to be

King of the world
King where the clouds dwell where the noise can’t reach
Rivaling noble eagles and royal falcons’ reign of the skies
The world bowed, and laid its neck bare
Up in the heavens where no man can reach
Until I was
Flipped off my throne
Swapping my crown for a beggar’s bowl
Regal robes for a dusty cloak
Equal to those ants and mice
I once looked down upon
Yet no hurt or pain befalls me
My heart soars and flies
At the thought of the thrill of the climb
the perilous unrelenting journey once again 

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1151 Reviews

Points: 198
Reviews: 1151

Sat Jul 29, 2023 1:17 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...

It’s not really a fall from grace, it’s a gift. A gift to feel and love. It’s the ticket to the real world, to know what all of it is like. I like how you said that the King wasn’t upset about losing his power. It didn’t mean much to him, in the end. What was out there meant more.

I hope that you will have an amazing and beautiful day and night.

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Points: 248
Reviews: 2

Sat Jul 29, 2023 7:50 am
Dorkwingduck wrote a review...

Hi there! Dorkwing here.

Brilliantly written! The formatting is a little different from what I've seen but I'm not an avid consumer of poetry so I can't say much on that.

Just a few pointers however:

"King where the clouds dwell where the noise can’t reach"

You can remove "King" here, then add a comma at the second "where" and if you're feeling bold you can add an "and" to make that line flow better grammatically.

Its probably just me but the lines "At the thought of the thrill of the climb, [T]he perilous unrelenting journey once again." doesn't really tie into the rest of the poem as well as you would hope, for one (from a reader's point of view), it's hard to understand how that ties into the narrative, like yes I can assume that the King will try to take his place back on the throne but I don't fully know what "the climb" entails.

Namely, what I'm suggesting is perhaps adding a bit more context to elaborate on what those last two sentences mean?

All and all, I would still say it's well written though a little rough around the edges grammatically.

I do feel the need to apologize for my poor formatting as I'm not familiar with the website's mechanics since I've only begun to use it.

Good evening,


tropicalmango says...

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate any feedback that helps me improve on my writing. Have a beautiful day my friend :).

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Dorkwingduck says...

Haha! Now that I sat back and read it, it feels a little harsh. Fundamentally however, I did enjoy it immensely.

Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson