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Shine

by sophies36


I could see it all happening, but I couldn’t control it. I felt so disconnected from my own body. I watched my body walk to my locker as students and teachers brushed past. Just before my lunch, it wasn’t strange that I was going to my locker. But I knew it was different. I felt my fingers brush against the lock turning it left, right, left, willing myself to stop. But I had no control over this thing inside me. As the door swung open, I watched my hands grasp the object I swore I would never use; until now.

I begged myself to stop, falling to my knees. I willed it to put the mechanism back in my locker. To pretend I didn’t have it and then get rid of it when I got home. I yelled at the thing to stop. For others to run. But they couldn’t hear me. I continued to scream and cry and plead.

But the gun stayed in its grasp.

Students started to see it holding the gun and tried to run and warn others. Some dropped to the ground begging. It walked past them. People ran away into classrooms locking doors. Then, it aimed. And it shot.

One person fell.

Then I was holding the gun.

I was connected like a magnet to metal. I dropped the heavy metal alien object in my hands and fell to the ground.

This wasn’t possible.

My vision blurred.

Hands clamped my shoulders.

I screamed while they push me to the solid ground kicking the gun away.

“I didn’t do this!” I screamed, “It did it! I tried to stop It, but It wouldn’t!”

The faces I could see looked at me like a maniac. They didn’t know the truth! They had to know! I was framed! Someone stole my body and framed me for murder! Someone needed to believe me! Someone had to! Students trapped in the hall stood shunned as I was dragged past. They couldn’t believe I was the one to do it. As they dragged me to the cruiser, I saw my life fading away. And this time, I couldn’t get it back.

˚˚˚

I knew him before it happened. He was nice and sweet. He would never hurt a fly. He was one of my best friends. He got me through tenth grade. Some days though starting in eleventh grade, there was something different inside him. Fighting to get out. Small outbursts of something evil growing inside. When he was dragged out he was screaming about “It.” He’d never done anything like this. No one had.

The boy who’d been killed; I knew him too. We’d never been friends and he’d been sort of a bully, but he didn’t deserve to die. When it happened, I couldn’t feel anything. My insides had melted and all that was left were some lanky limbs and an organ smoothie. I hadn’t realized how real school shootings were until that second. And as soon as I realized, I felt my organ smoothie freeze and my legs were glued to the ground. While others ran to classrooms, I stood still awestruck acting like if I didn’t move, he wouldn’t see me.

But when the boy fell to the ground, I felt my legs running but I hadn’t moved. My mind moved away but I couldn’t. when the cops pulled the boy away I didn’t see a crazed lunatic. I must be crazy, but I saw the sweet boy I knew. He looked stunned at what had happened.

I’m crazy right?


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298 Reviews


Points: 1976
Reviews: 298

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Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:03 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Scary... But good writing!
There is two problem I have with it, The wording was occasionally awkward. Also, "then the gun was in my hand"? I had thought it already was.
Also, a little more detail on the boy would be nice, like a flashback to when she first met him? Like a short and sweet paragraph. That's i though! It was an overall great read! Keep writing!




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119 Reviews


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Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:41 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Arden, here to leave you a review!
Let's go ahead and jump right into the details!!

I could see it all happening, but I couldn’t control it.

For a beginning, this seemed to be very broad, yet vague. It's good to have a wide span of possibilities to give out to the reader right off the bat, but it seems this is too broad. It left me in a cloud of confusion. What's happening? Where's the clarification? What can you not be in control of? Definitely consider editing that.

Just before my lunch, it wasn’t strange that I was going to my locker. But I knew it was different.

I don't think that adding "Just before my lunch" was necessary. I don't think that the reader would have had a problem with the character just going to their locker, but you introduced an unnecessary detail that just sets it apart and makes the sentence awkward.

...feeling my soul on its knees...

I had a problem with this. It didn't really make much sense, but that may just be me. It's always possible that it was just your choice creatively, but I don't know. I believe what you meant here was that the character was on his/her knees, but adding "my soul" isn't necessary or helpful to the sentence. Perhaps try this;
"I begged myself to dtop, falling to my knees."
Or something among those lines. I like the idea of what you tried to get across, but it didn't work great for me.

Quick side note
It seems that throughout this story you've got a bit of a problem with being too vague. A lot of it is left unanswered and it's a bit unsettling for me as the reader. I'd suggest you go back and edit this, asking yourself the following questions:
1. What am I making clear to the reader?
2. What do I want the reader to know from this story?
3. Do I want to portray a sense of mystery?
4. Am I being too vague with what I want to get across?

Overall
As for the rest of the story, I think that just about covers it. You've done a good job! Keep writing, and thanks for sharing.
Arden




sophies36 says...


Thank you! I%u2019ll definitely rewrite part of it to more sense to the reader



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64 Reviews


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Fri Nov 02, 2018 11:05 pm



I think it could be an interesting story, you should definitely continue 👍🏻





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