Disapearing Door
My heart burns beneath my chest,
What words are where said are put to rest.
What makes me hurt is something cruel,
But I only hope it doesn't add fuel.
The real truth is that I gave up,
Even when the going got rough and tough.
What hurts me now is clearly there, but I don’t have the strength to care.
I hurt her deeply.
I pushed her away.
I made her hate me either way.
The grief I feel inside my heart is full of pain young and brought.
Now it’s too late and I forgot why I even fought.
I’m numb and raw down to the core,
The words she said where filled with pain but I have now,
New knowledge gained.
I have learned that her life was hard always having to stay on guard.
Always fighting herself and others.
Smothering her life with drugs and hate.
To relate to her was hard,
To love her was even harder.
There was always threat that hung above the door.
The door opened suddenly stealing her away, without listening to my plea.
I begged and begged for it to set her free.
But the door never opened and the sky never shined,
Forcing me into the blindness.
Soon I grew accustomed to her being gone, and I started becoming strong.
A sister I have lost and a soul I have found.
With this soul I will open the door and see if she lies near.
The door opened, it was black inside.
My heart burns beneath my chest, the truth is something I can’t put to rest.
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137,518 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Thanks guys! I tried to edit it up a bit and clean up some of the stuff that doesn't need to be there also I tried to make my thoughts or message of this poem more clear. Thank you!
It is good but not great...
It could have been great if you would have not made lines such large and if you have not tried to rhyme all...
I was also the same before... Wanted to rhyme all my lines... But i learned more as i kept on writing...
Keep up the good work mate...
PM me for anything...
It is good. The feelings it evokes are really strong , but are sometimes too mixed up , and I really can't make out what is really happening. The structure is kind of off, and some verses could have been split in two verses , to keep the flow.
I like the message, and the atmosphere, but the rest is too mixed up. Try to set a line of refference and stick to it. Don't jump from "scene" to "scene" and please don't write a verse just so you can keep the rhyme.
Or at least that is what I believe you did with the above verse.
But it's good.
- Rob.