This Man I See

Kyllorac, thanks for the review and the really rude way of telling me I'm a hopeless poet. Maybe next time you review someones writing you should take a deep breathe and try to be kind. But really thanks for the review I looked at your suggestions and I see some of them but when reviewing my pieces in the future I'm going to ask you if you can just tell me the things I need to fix not that my writing is un- saveable. Thanks again good luck with future reviews!

Harshness ahead. You have been warned.

So. You have a rhyming poem here, but the first line does not rhyme with anything. Care to explain why? And then you have lines of irregular lengths that only rhyme because they end in rhyming words and not because they actually sound like they rhyme. That was a major flow-killer, and made this poem more than a bit painful to read. And I have not yet touched upon the oh-so-cliche-ness of the (very sparse) imagery you used in this poem.

Honestly, I don't see much hope of salvation for this poem.

With that said, I do have some suggestions on how to make this poem better. The first deals with rhyme.

Rhymes are much, much more than just putting words that sound similar at the end of lines. Rhyme relies heavily on rhythm, which is essentially the beat of a poem. Just as a song without a consistent beat sounds pretty unpleasant, so does a poem without a consistent rhythm. The easiest way of ensuring you have a consistent rhythm is to keep track of the syllables in each line. Lines with matching syllables generally sound better than lines without matching syllables as there is a clear pattern to the lines. And adding a rhyme to the ends of matching lines makes those matching lines sound even better.

So, basically, if you are going to use a rhyme, come up with a pattern first and stick to it. Right now, there is no clear pattern to your rhyming in the first three and last two stanzas. By comparison, the fourth stanza has a very clear rhyming pattern, and so it sounds the best out of all the stanzas.

The second suggestion deals with your descriptions. Right now, they are vague and cliche. How many times have you come across golden eyes in writing? A lot, I'll bet. And just what exactly is pain, and what type of it is the narrator experiencing? That's not mentioned at all.

In poetry, a lack of originality is lethal to your poem's memorability. By including imagery that your readers have never come across, you make your poem instantly memorable and more original. The easiest way to come up with original imagery is to think about something until you find a way to describe it in a way you've never heard it described before, and then describe it so that your reader can read your poem and go "Wow. I never thought of it that way before, but it makes perfect sense."

Even if you don't use these suggestions for this poem, please consider using them for future poems.

Good luck with writing.

Hey Snick,

I really liked this. There's so much passion and pain which makes it so awesome!
There are a few little things that big me but it's just me being pedantic I think, but sometimes it can be helpful. What I say is just a suggestion though so feel free to ignore it!

My heart dies within my chest,
His golden eyes seek my pain,
His perfect lies fight to regain.

This man I know,
Regains his friends,
This man I know makes amends.Because you have made the first rhyme into two lines, should this be in two lines. I'm not sure because I don't write a lot of poetry, but it's just a thought.

But not to me,
No not to me,
His apologies never find their way to me.

He doesn't see the pain he makes,
He doesn't see the things he takes.
He doesn't feel my shattered heart,
He doesn't care that we're apart.

Now my heart is broken and he doesn't see,
He doesn't see the pain always tormenting me.
He turns his head and closes his eyes,
Ignores my thoughts and troubled cries.

This man I know surprises me so,Because this is only two line, I'm not sure about the 'so' at the end. However I do see the rhyme within the line itself so... I'm not sure if changing it to be four lines would be better or just dropping the so.
This man I see torments me.