Diving in the waves of summer
Who could ever, who could wonder
About the follies dwelling so very under
But in this wake, no dreams wander
And it is well known that it is the home of monsters.
The branches creaking and groaning in the light
The whirling silence beneath the darkest night
The nameless horror in faceless beast
As on only fear, it takes and feasts.
Sometimes I’d ask what I have become
Empathy has died with love, how fearsome-
What monster have I become? One side pities-
And the other manipulates and has a taste for burnt cities
Who am I truly, why am I so fond of becoming rotten?
The only thing keeping me alive is that I don’t want to be forgotten
So, say; what if I struggle making a monster for you to see
Just so that my mind has a reason for hating me.
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140,072 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi silver,
thought I'd stop by to leave a quick review -
so first off congrats on your first poem! If this is really your first piece, that's incredible! My first poem was not nearly this good. A few things I always look for in a poem (that I think are pretty much constants in poems that are engaging to read) are 1) Does the poem offer some sort of narrative or conflict 2) Is the poem specific in a way that connects to human experience and 3) Does the poem use unique poetic devices. And I think you cover each of these in some way, so you've got a good basis here.
Let's take a look at a few of those
Narrative/Conflict
The overall conflict is pretty clear that the speaker is really struggling with sadness and even some self-hatred, there's a whole range of negative emotions that are coming from all directions and really pressing the speaker into a dark place.
An issue, is I think you almost offer to many facets of the emotion, that it's hard to get one clear story here. Is the issue that they don't experience empathy, that they're afraid, that they're sad, that they don't know who they are, that they don't like themselves... for some reason it doesn't feel like the poem connects those different threads so it doesn't end up feeling cohesive and I don't really get a full sense of this speaker's conflict. I'd narrow the focus a bit.
As far as narrative development - I don't feel like the poem moves very much, I think if it was set up for the speaker to have some self-discovery by the end, or come to some sort of conclusion the poem would resonate more.
Specificity
You use quite a bit of specificity in the piece which helps us to understand what's going on, rather than just saying "I'm sad" you dive in more and offer metaphors and deeper insights into the speaker's emotional state.
I also appreciated the specificity in the images you used - like the water imagery at the beginning, which I think would have been neat to pull back into the ending.
Poetic Devices
You utilize some rhyme in the poem, that I didn't notice too much, but it did add some nice rhythm and flow to the piece.
You really utilize metaphor well too, with the idea of the "monster" that you bring through the poem.
Other comments
A big area of potential growth is that there are some lines in this poem that just don't make sense grammatically/logically. I recommend that you read the piece out loud and try to identify where the different thoughts are broken up - adding some more punctuation may help in some places, but really I think it's the structure of some of the sentences that were difficult to follow.
Take the opening sentence for instance,
That says, "Diving in water who could ever who could wonder about follies dwelling so very under" --> "who could ever" just doesn't make sense in there since you already have "who could" and ending it in "so very under" is an awkward way to phrase that. There were other issues in here too with phrasing being a bit unnatural, I think reading through outloud will help you out though. You may even want to try re-writing without a rhyme scheme as an experiment to see if it frees you to make the phrasing smoother and add clarity to the narrative. It could be worth a try, even if just for an experiment.
Good luck in editing!
alliyah
I must admit this poem is not the clearest of them. You%u2019ve got that one right. I guess my thoughts really are all over the place, but the %u201Cconclusion%u201D you talk about, is present. In some way.
Here: %u201CSo say, what if if struggle to make a monster for you to see/ just so that my mind has a reason for hating me,%u201D
It%u2019s basically like, when your sad or not very talkative or just shy- and when people go %u201Chey, why are you sad,%u201D and you%u2019ve got no answer. Well there%u2019s a thing called depression when you%u2019re feeling so low you actually will make these reasons up, or start to live them out.
That%u2019s what I was trying to say.
A reason this might seem over the place.. is that I just wrote down what was on my mind. But even thought there%u2019s zero structure.. well.. there still is a major emotional disorder behind it all.
Okay, so, I'd just like to point out how cool it is that like five different people can read the same poem and picture something completely different. I did see how this can connect to depression or just general self-loathing, but my mind went in a completely different direction! Just shows how different we all are.
Wow! This was incredible. I so envy those of you who write poems. It's crazy talent right there.
Anyway, my name is M and I'm really here to rant about how talented you are. I'll get started.
I'm seriously having a hard time forming sentences that actually make sense. Your poem has me at a loss for words.
My mind is going wild with this one. I love conflicting feelings, especially in a fantasy setting. I assume you're talking about a dragon in this one, which, by the way, is proof of how awesome you are. Like, poetry is crazy hard. Poetry about a freaking DRAGON?! That's harder. Jeez, you're really good at what you do. However, maybe you weren't talking about a dragon? I mean, I just thought of all sorts of man-becomes-monster things (from Beauty and the Beast to cursed dragons). I think this could apply to many of them.
Your writing in this poem is so precise and perfect. The grammar and punctuation are great. I really couldn't find anything wrong.
I can't wait to read more of your art!
-M
CONGRATULATIONS!! First poem and in literary spotlight!! Well done indeed👍👍
Woah I loved how you made this rhyme! I really like the theme of this, of how powerful the emotions described in this really are. I love how this describes depression (How I interpreted it) and how it really eats at your mind and makes you contemplate life and how you went so far to the bottom. This poem is also so mysterious, captivating, and beautiful. It's amazing for a first poem on YWS! Can't wait to see more of your work! 10/10!
Hello Silvermoon!
This poem is really well written , I particularly enjoyed the rhyming and the vivid descriptions.
Empathy has died with love, how fearsome-
What monster have I become?
^I especially loved this part, it is very relatable. When we start disliking someone( hate is too strong a word here) we tend to see their negative side only. So true!
The ending was smashing! A beautiful poem by a beautiful poet.
Though I must say the title is a bit out of place ( thats what i think, no offence).
Keep up the good work!
Give me advice for the title! I%u2019d love to hear you out! And, just so you know; the reason I chose this title is more because I like having vague titles, it sets a more mysterious, unsure tone.
Giving vague titles is actually a unique idea!!
Well, other titles for this poem could have been-'The Faceless Beast'(referring to self-hatred) or 'Dwelling Inside My Heart' or something like that.
I guess the latter is a bit vague, cause it could be anything!
Thanks a lot! I think I%u2019d go for dwelling inside my heart...
Hey Silvermoon!
I'm Elinor. Welcome to the site, and thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope I can give you some advice in hopes that it will help.
I love the central image that you create in this piece, of the narrator underneath water, and considering everything that's going back and fourth in her mind. The one piece of advice I would give you is to make this more succinct, and make the visual metaphor more clear and vivid. What do they feel when they're underwater, and what does it evoke?
That's all for now. Keep writing, and don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions.
Best,
Ellie
Heyaaaa Elinor! I thank you for this review, and I sure will take your advice
there just is some point on which I%u2019d like to make myself clear.. the character never was underwater. What you see as a fact, is a metaphor. Saying he%u2019s diving, or under the wave of monsters/wake; is a metaphor. Because the ocean is where you have the slowest, most dreamlike death- drowning. I%u2019m sorry if I%u2019m unclear %uD83D%uDE02