The forty-eighth president of the United States committed a bank heist. Reports conflict over his involvement in the crime. Some say that he organized the heist himself, while others say he was dragged into it. The president’s guilt in this bank heist depends entirely on the 2032 ballot of the individual you ask.
If they voted for him, you’ll probably find that more of your friends support legalizing theft than you initially thought. If they did not vote for him, you’ll be surprised to learn that the Russian government is now buying out United States politicians to undermine the Federal Reserve. And if the person you asked was not an enthusiastic supporter of either candidate in the 2032 election, the full extent to which someone can hold a neutral opinion of a federal crime will dawn on you.
But regardless of all of this, what is fact is that on May 7th, 2033, the forty-eighth president of the United States stole $120,000 from a commercial bank. Using the presidential state car, he pulled up in front of the bank and entered the establishment wearing a ski mask. He was accompanied by two other men, who witnesses later reported to resemble the fifty-first vice president of the United States and the seventy-sixth United States Secretary of State. The identities of the two accomplices remain unknown to date.
Once inside the bank, the president and his two accomplices threatened the employees at gunpoint. They demanded $1,000,000 dollars, but ultimately settled on $120,000 after extensive negotiations. The president’s supporters note that this is indicative of his skill at cross-aisle compromise. His critics instead comment that this type of behavior is why the federal deficit is at $4.1 trillion dollars.
Following the successful heist, the president then deposited the money into his bank account, though a large portion was instead invested in the stock market. This bank account is notably through the bank he robbed not hours earlier. The bank then reported the activity, and the president was immediately apprehended.
The president was promptly impeached in the House of Representatives. The vote was 224-216, falling mostly along party lines. Afterwards, the Senate trial began. It was there that a number of witnesses corroborated the president’s involvement in the bank heist, but the president himself avidly denied the accusations. In one memorable moment of the trial, he asked the audience if they truly believed the president of the United State would abuse his post and rob a bank. After brief hesitation, most members of the audience nodded quietly.
Other pieces of circumstantial evidence were brought to light during the proceedings. For example, the president deleted approximately eleven emails from his private server following the heist. The House of Representatives issued a subpoena for his bank records, but he turned them down. While the president claimed it was because congressional subpoenas required a legitimate legislative purpose, most members of the House believed indicting the president qualified. When the president ultimately yielded, the bank records revealed that on May 7th, nearly $100,000 had been deposited into his account.
After being asked to explain this money, the president seemed caught off-guard by the question. At last, he claimed that the money was the product of a number of drug deals, though he seemed regretful immediately after the statement. He was questioned as to if he realized that the confession of dealing drugs was yet more reason for impeachment. He pleaded the fifth.
Ultimately, the president was found not-guilty in the Senate, who voted 52-48 to acquit him. Curiously, this too fell exclusively along party lines. Following the trial, public outcry was far from difficult to find. A number of news outlets questioned whether the members of congress voted for the betterment of their country or the parties. The Senate Majority Leader went on record in regards to this, saying “Of course we voted with our parties. We’re politicians, not civil servants.” When a reporter corrected him by pointing out that politicians are civil servants, he had no comment.
Despite his acquittal, the president resigned amid public scrutiny. Following his promotion to the post of president, the former vice president pardoned the president of any crimes he might have been convicted of. Curiously, the new president also pardoned himself, in a measure he considered to be “strictly precautionary”. He did not win re-election, but that was due to an unrelated incident where he threatened to brutally murder an elderly driver amidst a bout of road rage. This was just three months before the 2036 election, and voters did not forget it.
But the forty-eighth president will go down in history regardless--or perhaps because of--his crime. Most voters agree that he committed the heist, but the motivation behind it is what is in question. Was he a Robin Hood type, trying to improve the lives of low-income Americans? Absolutely not. He spent over $20,000 of the stolen money on the stock market. But was it the Russian government, working with him to destroy the federal reserve? Again; absolutely not. You can’t just blame everything on Russia, especially when there’s no evidence of any collusion. And besides, $120,000 isn’t exactly going to dismantle the United States bank system.
So what is the takeaway? Well, don’t rob banks, I suppose. Especially if you’re a public official as high-profile as the President of the United States.