Flares could cave in on my skin.
Hot red flares burning my skin.
Why did partake in such sin?
To touch the amber gloss of her skin,
hot red flares burning my skin,
how could you not know what might’ve been?
Sleep in the hollow night,
you and your manly might.
Do you not know you’re such a sore sight?
You brought on this sinful fight.
Now, I hope you never see the light,
but rather wallow in the freight.
I hope you fall from a height,
sleep in the hollow night,
you and your manly might.
When you burn,
having never learned
you brought fire at every turn,
and the last thing you see are my eyes so stern
when you burn.
Flares could cave in on my skin.
Hot red flares burning my skin.
Sleep in the hollow night,
you and your manly might
when you burn,
having never learned.
Flares cave in on your skin.
Hot red flares burn you in your sin.
You sleep in the hollow night
Being such a pathetic sight.
Burn.
Burn.
Burn.
I watch love burn.
This is inspired by the song Burn from Hamilton.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi shayspeare!
My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give your poem a quick review! It's been a while since I've interacted with Hamilton, so I don't remember the song Burn, but I will take a look at your poem nonetheless.
I definitely enjoyed reading it, and I agree with Corvus that it feels more like a spoken word piece or dramatic monologue. I can even see it being put to music. I'm curious if you used any sort of specific structure for it, or if you just wanted to make it rhyme. The one suggestion that I would make is that all of the repetition of "skin" felt a little, well repetitive, and I'd look for ways that you could change your lines so it's not just the same word being repeated over and over.
Beyond that, I thought this had a really nice flow and a good rhythm overall! Nice work! I hope this helps, and keep writing!
Cheers,
Elinor
this is a great piece! although I almost hesitate to call it a poem, despite the lovely rhyme scheme, no, this is more like a dramatic monologue from a play. I really like the way you built the drama with the repeating lines as if the speaker is having a breakdown and getting more and more distraught. you did a very good job conveying emotion in this piece. I look forward to reading more from you!
Jesse here to review, so I am hopping in now.
"This is inspired by the song Burn from Hamilton."
I am a big fan of musicals, so I have high expectations.
Your rhyme scheme is easy and flowing. It all comes together nicely. The repetition of "burn" didn't really fit, but it gave an effect.
This was dramatic and it lived up.
Thanks,
Jesse.