Every day is a mechanical rotation.
The day begins
When the sun rises to the line of Earth,
And I awake
As April releases me in rebirth.
Apollo swells across the sky in crimson hues,
And I trudge through the shadows
As May ends, June ushers in anew.
Demeter greets me in August.
I tend to the olives as the sun reaches it high,
And September delivers locusts.
By then, the sun is in the south,
And it's harvest time.
Greens devoured mouth by mouth.
Boredom swells in October.
Dull as the clock hisses with each tick and each tock.
I ask it to move over.
The sun begins to set in November.
A warm bath around me,
Evening falls in December.
Aches groan in my spine.
I no longer remember
to stay awake.
January. February. March.
Time to hibernate.
And when I open my eyes,
I return to this normality
For everyday is a mechanical rotation.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello! I have come to review this lovely poem today! This poem is very beautiful and almost dreamy in a way that takes of seasons changing and routines! It's interesting how everything is described with descriptive and vivid vocabulary and sensory language as you use words like "Hisses" or "trudge", it's not too complicated too understand buts it descriptive and you can really feel what the character is going through. Each season in this poem is described so well and so nicely as you can feel how each season should feel with the author's words and strong emotions towards them. I also how despite everything is described to us, this is a normality for the character and rotation they follow every year. It gives an interesting perspective on how one ma wishes for this life but one might not see the big deal with it. The passion and love in this poem Are very clear and is done very nicely! Good job!
Hello shayspeare! Good to see that you've already started publishing works! If you have any questions about this review, please let me know.
My overall impression of this poem is that it's very simplistic, and it's describing time. The thing is, I'm not sure how the narrator feels about time. They certainly don't seem to enjoy the clock, but they describe the sun as "warm" and that is "guides" them. Maybe in this poem you could explain and contrast how the sun is warm, kind, and reliable, but though the clock is reliable it is also cold, apathetic, and relentless. I think doing that would give this more direction and leave the reader understanding the emotions of the narrator and what the message is that you're trying to convey.
Next, I want to touch on rhyming. This is more of a personal preference, but I tend to either not use rhyming, or to use it consistently. I feel like the rhyming in this poem is also preventing you from fully developing the poem. So personally, I would recommend fully removing the rhyming scheme, but that is just a preference and it's up to you.
I would also recommend splitting
Into two lines, like so:
"As the sun rises to the line of Earth,
the warmth releases me in rebirth."
One other thing I want to mention is repetition. Throughout this poem, you use the words "clock" and "clockwork" several times. I would recommend trying to exchange these words for other words, to create more variety. You could add a line about how the stopwatch times you, disinterested in what you're doing, for example, to build on the theme of time and the sort of prison it is.
Lastly, I'm not sure what you're closing line means. Why is this normality new? What's unusual about it? How is it different from whatever "old" normality the narrator comes from?
I would like to say, though, that this poem has a nice flow that makes it very enjoyable to read. If my review comes across as harsh or negative, that was not my intention; I really love this poem, the above suggestions are just to make it even better.
Again, if you have any questions, please ask!
I hope this was helpful!
Keep writing,
~whatcha
The poem was really nice it had a nice melody to it as well. I think you have great ideas and can’t wait to see what will bring day 2. Also welcome ( I think I can say that but I’m new too:))