Chapter 8.2

by shaniac

Published September 17, 2018

E - Everyone

In What Happened to Benjamin Marcos?

July 24, 1987

Patsy moved back as Chloe entered through the door. She looked around the place in distaste, scowling at the bland white walls and the placement of the living room. She then made her way to the tan couch, sitting down carefully by tucking her skirt under her knees.

Patsy narrowed her eyes at her best friend, her hands curling into small fists at her side already. "What're you doing here, Chloe?"

Chloe looked up with a faint smile. "Mr. Hamstring wants me to talk to you about club stuff. Nothing serious."

Patsy shook her head and knotted her eyebrows. "Why did he want you to talk to me? Did he-"

"Now before you get around to asking questions, I want you to know he told me to just come here and try to persuade to not leave the club," Chloe interrupted, waving a hand.

"You can't persuade me. I've made my mind already about leaving, Chloe."

Chloe sighed, looking down at her lap. "I knew you'd say that." She then looked up again, but this time with a frown settled across her face. "Patsy, listen, if you leave the club, you'll most likely be killed."

Patsy arched her eyebrow. "Is that a threat or a promise?"

"Take this seriously, Patsy."

"I don't think I'm able to, Chloe. This whole club operation is beyond crazy. Firstly, you have to kill someone to join. Secondly, they give you this tacky sign about murdering someone, which frankly I'd like to throw away but I can't pull myself to do it. And thirdly, the head leader is a sociopath in a fat suit," Patsy ranted. "He doesn't even look good in a suit."

"I told you all those things when we were first talking about it, Patsy. But you clearly forgot that," Chloe added. She then stood up and walked to Patsy. "Remember I suggested the club because you needed more friends. You were living a life of boredom and complained to me daily about-"

"I would rather live a life of boredom than a life of killing people, Chloe. You don't understand that since you've already succumbed to that way of life," Patsy pointed out.

"I haven't succumbed to anything," Chloe retaliated. "I'm doing this for the betterment of the club and everything that's coming from it."

Patsy narrowed her eyes. "What is there better to come from this club if all you are going to do is kill? The only thing that may be better is if you cut the rope before it continues to strangle you."

"I don't want to fight with you over this, Patsy. I just want to have a meaningful conversation about why you shouldn't leave. You make things harder than they ought to be. Now," Chloe gestured to the couch. "Let's sit down and talk."

Patsy sighed, pinching her nose with her thumb and index finger. A headache was starting to form behind her eyes, one that flared up during stressful times. The pain was faint, but she could feel that if Chloe stayed around for an hour or so, the pain would escalate in a feverish echo that roared inside her empty skull. She took a deep breath through her nose and blinked open her eyes. "Fine, thirty minutes and then I want you gone."

"Thirty minutes is all the time I need, Patsy."

---

They spent the next thirty minutes discussing the club. It was mostly Chloe ranting on and on about how the club's importance and how leaving the club would be, at a great loss, for Patsy. It was all nonsense to Patsy as she sat down on the couch, staring off into space while her best friend rambled continuously about how killing is a fundamental part of how the club works.

"And then Mr. Hamstring became club leader when the previous leader disappeared mysteriously one night and-" Chloe explained, waving her hands about.

Patsy groaned, digging the palms of her hands into her eyes. "I don't want to hear any more about this stupid club, Chloe. It's been thirty minutes and I'm losing my mind." She then took a deep breath in and stood up. "I think it is time for you to leave." She then pointed to the door while Chloe sighed, getting up from the sofa. She then walked slowly to the door, pretending to mope like a child who was being told no for the first time.

"You know, Patsy," Chloe softly said when she reached the door. Patsy was behind her, arms crossed and frowning. "Since this is your final decision about leaving the club, bad things are going to come from it. You've heard of karma, right?"

Patsy said nothing in response. Chloe sighed, resting her hand on the doorknob and looked at her best friend. "What happened between us? We used to be so close and now, we're on opposite sides of a thin line. I wish you could just understand what I'm saying and take it to heart."

"Enough talking," Patsy said with finality. "I'm done, Chloe."

Chloe nodded sheepishly, opening the door and standing on the porch. Patsy stood in the doorway, resting a hand on the doorknob and swung it shut before Chloe could retort anything. The resounding slam of the door echoed throughout the house and it gave Patsy a surge of sadness to start welling in her heart. She fell against the door, staring up at the ceiling and wondered where this sadness came from. The rushing emotion wasn't enough to seize her tears but it was enough to make Patsy think about her actions when she talked to Chloe.

She reasoned with herself that it was out of protecting herself and not out of fear that a guy could come to her door, wielding a steak knife. Patsy replaced this thought with the hope that perhaps her life would go as she planned. She'd get a job, get married, have a kid, and then spend the rest of her life in complete bliss, knowing her past wouldn't affect her in any way.

Patsy stepped away from the door and decided to go back upstairs and settle down for a nap, after the whole ordeal and wake up in the morning to go back to Mr. Hamstring's office to officially drop out of the club.

---

Chloe threw a knife at the wall, grunting heavily. Mr. Hamstring stared wide-eyed from his desk, hands crossed together. He didn't want to interrupt the anger that swelled from the lady before him and sat quietly, staring at the scene unfolding before him.

"Patsy never listens!" Chloe shrieked, grabbing the knives from the wall. "She's stuck in her own little world where everything is just peachy and great and," she stopped halfway to throw a knife at the wall. It stuck in, sending small wood chips onto the floor. "Nothing really matters, not even your friend's opinion." She then threw another knife and it stuck similarly into the wall. "And to top it all of, she thinks I'm probably crazy for staying in this club." After Chloe was finished, she chucked another knife at the wall, but it didn't stick in and instead bounced off the wall, landing on the floor.

She then looked back at Mr. Hamstring, holding two knives in her hands and sweat forming across her forehead. "Do you think I'm crazy?"

Mr. Hamstring shook his head, keeping eye contact with Chloe.

Chloe turned back around and stared at the stab ridden wall, frowning deeply. "Nothing is going the way I want it to go, but I guess that's just how life works." She then threw both of the knives into the walls, each landing next to each other. Feeling accomplished, Chloe turned around to look at Hamstring.

"I'm going away for a bit. Off the grid type of thing. I'm going to get some help to bring Patsy back into the club," Chloe said as she headed to the door. "Try to keep her around for a bit while I'm gone, Edward."

Mr. Hamstring gulped and nodded. "Of course, Miss Robertson."

Chloe winked and left the room, closing the door behind her. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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ExOmelas
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ExOmelas wrote a review Review · Sep 23, 2018

Hey Shan, I keep feeling like I'm not being productive because I'm studying instead of reviewing so I'm going to catch up with week 11 of LMS xD

Nit-picks and nice moments:

"Remember I suggested the club because you needed more friends. You were living a life of boredom and complained to me daily about-"

"I would rather live a life of boredom than a life of killing people, Chloe. You don't understand that since you've already succumbed to that way of life," Patsy pointed out.

Okay so two things: 1. I have been looking for ways to meet new friends recently since my flatmate started seeing his girlfriend constantly. I intend to go to my local game store and play some Magic: the Gathering. Is this really Patsy's only option? 2. If Patsy already knew that she would have to murder someone to join, why was this not the argument she threw back at Chloe at the time... before promptly calling the police?

"Thirty minutes is all the time I need, Patsy."

Oof. That's hella ominous. Idk if you meant it to be quite so threatening, but it's like, what in the name of god is Chloe going to do to her?

I wish you could just understand what I'm saying and take it to heart.

I really wish I could understand what Chloe was saying. As in, I don't know what logic she has used because the conversation gets time-skipped over. I think you are so so close to a really good plot here, but because I don't understand the basic premise of the club it feels like I'm waiting on a drop of info that I don't think is coming.

Overall:

I think I've already stated my main problem, but I'll expand it out from just the argument with Chloe. What do they kill for? Is it because the people being killed are bad people? Is it revenge? Is it because they are easy targets? They don't need to have a just reason, but in order to understand both sides of the argument - to have my heartstrings torn - I need to understand why something as ridiculous as a murder club has become so important to Chloe. Chloe could easily be absolutely evil and just kill for fun, but then I'd need backstory as to how she got there, because otherwise I am just glad that Patsy has left the club, rather than conflicted, and you seem to be going for conflict in that this chapter wasn't a victorious yay Patsy got outta there!

I also don't think boredom is anywhere near a big enough motivation to murder - well, I suppose for certain characters that's not true. Moriarty is the first example that springs to mind, but even among geniuses you're not guaranteed to go that way - ie Sherlock. I need then to understand Patsy, and why she was willing to do this one murder but no more. Was she led to believe that this was the only murder, and that there was a necessary reason it had to be done? Why did she not tell Chloe she was crazy as soon as she was asked to kill Benjamin Marcos?

Like I said, I think you're close to a very solid story here. The characters interactions and feelings are all super interesting, I just don't understand the motivations they're grounded in, which makes it difficult to engage in. I know this can sound like your story is flawed at the foundations, but it's really not. Just the other day I realised Patrick was being way too nice to his daughter in the zoo story, but then I realised that it could be because she was very disapproving of what happened with the animals so he's always trying to get on his good side. I've retconned that into an author's note at a reviewer's suggestion, and will add it in for the next draft. Tl;dr if you can come up with the motivations for the characters just stick it at the top of the next chapter and we can retroactively apply them.

Hope this helps and feel free to message me if you wanna bounce ideas off me or ask me any questions,
Biscuits :)

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mellifera
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mellifera wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2018

hey shan!! <3


just come here and try to persuade to not leave the club,"


persuade you not to leave the club?*

which frankly I'd like to throw away but I can't pull myself to do it.


Why is it that Patsy never throws away the sign? It feels almost...odd? I don't know how significant this sign is, and I know it's meant to be an ironic and humorous little nod to what happened later in Ronnie's perspective, but...to be honest? I have to wonder why she would keep it, especially since she is guilty. And, given her reaction in 8.1 with Hamstring about Fredrick getting killed and her possibly getting caught, it seems strange that she would so blatantly have that in her house?
And actually, continuing on that. I know I was talking about Ronnie and Patsy's interaction/relationship, but how close are they really if Ronnie had never seen the sign before? I didn't think about it in the first chapter, because I kind of assumed she didn't know her grandmother well, but now I get the impression she does have a good relationship with her? But alas, I don't know what you have planned and such and I,,, yeah that was rambly lol.

You were living a life of boredom and complained to me daily about-"


boredom?? so you thought joining a murder club would serve her better?? chloe smh.

"I'm doing this for the betterment of the club and everything that's coming from it."


Yeah but? what is coming from the club? What is she trying to better? What really is there mission here? I'm still a little foggy on it and I would like more clarification? Although I don't know if you plan on explaining it more later and you just haven't gotten around to it or if there's a reason you haven't explained it yet.

I wish you could just understand what I'm saying and take it to heart."


you mean like how you take a knife to the heart?


starting to wonder who really is leading the club to be honest.


I think? In the future I would like to see more reason for why the club exists, and what purpose it serves? I'm not sure if this is just being obscured for a reason right now, but why is Chloe so insistent that Patsy stay in the club? What is the reason for such a club in a town like Shanesburg? How or why did the last leader of the club disappear mysteriously? And how did Chloe get involved in the first place?


Regardless! I'm happy to see more <3 I'm sensing this is sort of like, a break for these two for a while, and it's going to affect them both. Maybe Patsy will settle down for a while, and Chloe going off the grid to get help to keep Patsy in the club, so I feel like there might be a lapse, or at least a lull. Maybe a calm before the storm? Regardless, I can't wait to see more!


Anyway, I think that's all I have for today!! Always excited to see what's going on over here in Shanesburg, and you know I'll be around for more, and I'm always here for novel talk ;)

I hope you're having a lovely evening <3

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Carlito
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Carlito wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2018

Hello again!! :D

Oooh so Chloe is more powerful or important in this organization than I originally thought. Here she is giving orders and doing her thing. That adds a little more context though about why she wanted Patsy to join so much because there's probably something in it for her to have Patsy on board. And, if she's high up she knows what will really happen if Patsy backs out and she doesn't want something bad to happen to her friend (unless she's so heartless she doesn't actually care if Patsy makes that choice....)

I don't think you need a scene break between "thirty minutes is all I need" and "they spent the next thirty minutes...." I think I also want to see a little more from that 30 minute conversation. I obviously don't need to see the whole thing, but that could be a good opportunity to give us a little more info about this club, why it exists, and why Chloe is so passionate. I still have so many questions about this club :) It's still pretty early in the grand scheme of things but I think you could drop a little tidbit here.

The only other thing I think I need in this chapter is maybe a little more of Patsy's reaction after Chloe leaves. Is she worried leaving the club will impact their friendship? Does she care at this point? Has her opinion of Chloe changed at all? What does she think of Chloe's warning? Is she questioning her decision at all? (why or why not?) Is she worried about any possible retaliation related to Chloe or someone going to the police and turning her in about Benjamin's death? What does she think about herself that she was roped into this club in the first place?

I also want a little more at the end with Chloe. I think that's a really interesting moment to see because so far we haven't seen much of Chloe's perspective and I think that could be a great place to drop a few more Easter eggs and up the suspense. Even if Patsy doesn't know what's coming, if we the reader know something big is coming it will really keep us turning the page :)

I think these parts - the back then with Patsy and Chloe are the most interesting for me so far. I think I like learning about the mystery and seeing how it all went down myself so I can figure out my own theories about exactly what is going on. The present day stuff doesn't have that same suspenseful oomph for me, but it's a first draft and I know you're still figuring everything out which is totally fine.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this yet or not, but I've been writing a short outline as I've been going (partially so I can keep all the LMS novels I'm following straight :p) but also so when you're done with this draft I can share it and some big picture thoughts with you :)

Looking forward to the next segment! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D

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Mea
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Mea wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2018

Hey shan! I'm back as always to review this. :D

I'm glad that Patsy wants out of the club, and I also thought how she sits down and let's Chloe try to talk her back into it is really indicative of her character - she's not very willing to assert herself, and she always wants to give people another chance.

I have to admit, I'm completely baffled at Chloe. She seems like she's a sociopath/psychopath/literally just has no conception about what being in a murder club and murdering people means. Like, the main thing I'm missing here is the motivation. Why is she in the club? What's her history? Why is she staying? Why is she so callous about killing people? Why on earth is she acting like Patsy's the one at fault for not wanting to stay in a club that routinely ends the life of another person for apparently no reason at all and could possibly get her arrested sometime soon?

It's just... the idea of a murder club is interesting and quirky, but at the end of the day people don't kill without a reason, not unless there's something really psychologically wrong with them. But everyone in this club is doing exactly that, for apparently no reason whatsoever. Maybe you are intending them all to just clinically lack empathy, to basically be a band of serial killers that's gotten together to murder people, but I'm not really feeling it. There needs to be a reason here, and really it would be a different reason for each of the individual people in the club.

Chloe's rant to Mr. Hamstring in her POV here is definitely a start - it sort of gives us a glimpse into her mind, but it still doesn't really make sense. It is kind of chilling, but it just doesn't seem to fit yet. Surely she at least knows that normal people are really not okay with the idea of a murder club? And that's the whole reason Patsy is pushing her away?

So yeah, those were definitely my predominant thoughts and questions for this chapter. Stylistically, this chapter was quite good - it flowed well and the dialogue was really good. On the plot and character level, I'm starting to lose my suspension of disbelief a bit, just because there's so much that doesn't make sense and hasn't been shown/explained to us.

I'm running out of time, so I'll leave it at that for this week! See you in the next chapter. :)



I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec