z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 8.1

by shaniac


July 24, 1987

Patsy stormed into Mr. Hamstring's office, gripping a newspaper clip in her left hand. She pushed opened the swinging metal doors and continued forward, hearing the slam echoing through the desolated hallway. There was an unfiltered rage that swept over Patsy's body as she reached the last door of the hallway. She swung it open and stepped through, walking into a hushed conversation being held between Mr. Hamstring and another male, who had greased down brown hair.

"Mr. Hamstring," Patsy said lowly, "Can I have a moment with you?" Mr. Hamstring looked up, ready to say 'could you give us a moment?' before realizing, just from the residing scowl on Patsy's face, that wouldn't be the right answer. He bided his goodbyes to the man and the man stepped around Patsy, shutting the door behind him.

Mr. Hamstring coughed, raising a meaty hand to cover his mouth. "What can I help you with, Patsy?"

Patsy then took two steps forward and threw the newspaper onto the desk. In the moments after, she then pressed her two hands onto the desk and harshly asked, "Why the hell is Fredrick Damon dead?"

Mr. Hamstring knotted his eyebrows together and grabbed at the newspaper. He then, after adjusting some glasses onto his face, started reading the front page of the paper. As the words continued to swirl around before his eyes, his expression started deforming from a casual grin to a knitted frown. Patsy sat down in one of the red velvet chairs while Mr. Hamstring read.

After reading, he then set the newspaper down and formed his lips into a thin line. "I have no answers for you no-"

"You sure as hell better have some, Mr. Hamstring," Patsy suddenly snapped forward, fuming. "You knew Fredrick Damon. He was the one hosting the party that Benjamin Marcos was murdered at. Where he suddenly just disappeared like that, like mist or whatever. You know something that the others don't and I want you to tell me, right now, why he was fried like chicken." A silence followed after Patsy's outburst, settling in an awkward space for not knowing what to say.

"Miss Storkhill, you have to understand, I know nothing about why Mr. Damon was killed or if his murder was linked to that of Mr. Marcos. The police reports of the newspaper do state-"

"I know what the damn newspaper says, Edward," Patsy coldly interjects, frowning. "I read the newspaper five times. I've had my own loose theories as to why this happened. I know for a good reason that his death wasn't an accident or a suicide. Or, an act of protest against the police being lazy in solving the Marcos case."

She then gets up and moves around the room, waving her hands about while Mr. Hamstring watches, a faint smile brushed across his face. "And for once in my life, I thought that everything would be better of if Damon was dead because then the Marcos case could be forgotten or something. Now, his death has blown up the Marcos case and I am fearing for my life, Edward." Patsy then runs a hand through her blonde hair. "I can't sleep at night knowing I killed someone. What if the police force comes for me? I can't live my life in jail."

Mr. Hamstring sighed, standing up from his chair. His stomach proturded out, rounding out into a perfect half sphere. The shirt he was wearing nearly didn't fit and looked almost like weak floodgates. He moved around the table and towards Patsy, waddling like a penguin.

"Miss Storkhill, if you didn't want to do this job, you should've just spoken up to your friend. Chloe is very-"

"Chloe started this whole thing" Patsy snapped, glaring at Mr. Hamstring. "The only thing Chloe is very much like is manuplative. You don't see that because you're behind the camera. She puts on this little act and, and I can't do that anymore!" She then started waving her hands about and pacing, her volume increasing. "No one can see this because they are under her little spell of pretending everything is fine, that's all this is. I was one of her 'many puppets' and I can't fight back because she'll just loop me into her trick again."

Patsy took a deep breath, resting her hands at her side and glaring at Mr. Hamstring. "I don't think I can continue doing this, Edward. I know that there was things we signed and it is important stuff, but I fear that if I continue doing this job then I'll lose it and I want to cut that string before it gets too long."

Mr. Hamstring then frowned, turning his hands into meaty fists. "I'm afraid you can't do that, Miss Storkhill."

"And why's that?" Patsy snapped, crossing her arms across her chest.

"There are people who have left and never returned back to their families or friends," Mr. Hamstring simply said. He then sighed and went back to his desk, sitting down in his chair. He then gestured to the velvet seats. "Take a seat, I'd like to explain some things to you."

Patsy rolled her eyes. "I don't want you to explain anything. I want you to answer my question of why I can't leave this club in peace."

Hamstring rested his hands on the table and hummed while his mouth twitched. "Sit down, please."

Patsy shook her head and walked towards the desk, pointing a finger at Mr. Hamstring. "I'm leaving this club, Edward. I don't want to be apart of a club that allows murdering people as some sort of initation. You need to get a better life perspective than just killing people, Hamstring." Patsy then turned around and left the room, slamming the doors.

Mr. Hamstring sighed, rubbing his forehead. He then reached over to his desk phone and dialed in a number. There was a long beep before a sultry voice picked up and said, "Hello?"

"Hey, Patsy decided that the club isn't for her. Could you do something to change her mind?"

A pregnant pause filtered over the phone before the voice came back. "We can't have that. I'll do my best to change her mind."

"Thanks, love."

"No problem."

The phone then beeped and Hamstring placed the reciever back on the stand.

---

Patsy got home and laid on her bed, face down. She had spent an hour crying into her pillows, whining about how complicated her life was and why she decided to join the lousy murder club. It was a lot to take in and even now, the entire murder plot of Benjamin Marcos confused Patsy.

She stopped crying now and laid looking up at the ceiling. As she was thinking about what she was going to do, the doorbell echoed throughout the house. Patsy sat up, wiping her eyes and asked herself, who could this be? She skipped down the steps as the person knocked on the door vigorously.

"I'm coming!" Patsy yelled, nearing the door. She unlocked and opened it coming face to face with her best friend, Chloe Robertson. Patsy sighed and went to close the door, but Chloe pushed a hand on the wooden door.

She then smiled and said cheerfully, "Hello to you too, Patsy. Can we talk?"


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Thu Sep 13, 2018 1:55 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey shan!!! guess who's back for more <3


She pushed opened the swinging metal doors


(open*) Were the doors already swinging when she pushed them open? If not I might,, change it to just "the metal doors".

Mr. Hamstring looked up, ready to say 'could you give us a moment?' before realizing, just from the residing scowl on Patsy's face, that wouldn't be the right answer.


YEAH don't mess with patsy she'll stab you.

she then pressed her two hands onto the desk and harshly asked,


So? instead of trying to tie in an verb like this to a dialogue tag, I would just used a different dialogue tag? Like, she hissed, or she demanded, because it's more impactful then using a weaker verb like this.

"Why the hell is Fredrick Damon dead?"


well, that's a thing that happens when you're in a car when it explodes, Patsy


I like the little details of Hamstring/The Club having red velvet chairs? it goes to speak lengths about what kind of money this operation rolls in or what kind of money Mr. Hamstring has, from who knows what business, but it's a perfect little way to slide that in.


Patsy suddenly snapped forward, fuming.


I'm not? entirely sure whether she's like, jerking forward or if she's snapping at him? If it's the former, I would change the comma after Hamstring to a period to clarify (or just, remove forward if it's the latter? dunno how you'd want to do that haha)

why he was fried like chicken."


first a friend in the hospital cause of bad chickens and now this comparison. Fredrick is having a Bad Time with chicken.

Or, an act of protest against the police being lazy in solving the Marcos case."


well that would be awfully counterproductive and yet so accurate lol

Patsy then runs a hand through her blonde hair.


I might just have a terrible memory (highly plausible), but I don't think I remember Patsy's appearance being mentioned? I don't know if Ronnie ever was either? She probably was and I missed it, but if it wasn't, I might try to sneak it in earlier? Character descriptions are worst though I understand that well enough lol


I do like that there's a balance of Patsy feeling the guilt of killing Benjamin and the fear of going to jail. It gives her more depth as a character and I think I? would like to see more of that? Stuff like that gives more room to point to characters and either relate to them or connect with them on a more emotional/personal level. So! just to keep in mind but I like that we get to see that vulnerability here.
Also addition after reading a little further I'm also happy to see her reacting to everything with Chloe? I mean, her frustration is understandable and it's good to see her reacting to it. idk I think Patsy's character is really started to come together and it Pleases Me.

You need to get a better life perspective than just killing people, Hamstring."


TELL HIM

coming face to face with her best friend, Chloe Robertson.


some best friend she is ):<


waIT Hamstring was talking to Chloe on the phone??? o: the plot keeps getting thicker and thicker this is like a fINE STEW. i love it.


I would like to? know more about the club I think and how it's going to play a role/what's about in the greater picture? Because it's all kind of vague so far, ALTHOUGH I suspect that you might be getting to a little more of that in the next chapter if my instincts are telling me anything here. I can't wait to see how Chloe's going to try to persuade Patsy back to the club, why they want Patsy in the club in the first place, and what sort of complications are going to arise because of it.


Okay I! think that's all I have for today! I'm loving it, as always ;) So keep up the good work!! I can't wait to see what happens next!

I hope you have a lovely time!! <33

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Wed Sep 12, 2018 2:35 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

Okay this was interesting. I'm glad we got to see Patsy break down a little and we get to see more of her humanity. I'm glad that she feels bad about Benjamin and I feel for her in this conversation because she really got herself in a tough spot there, didn't she...

At this stage, I think I want more information. The conversations and each scene is moving the plot forward, but I don't feel like I have enough context to really understand why everything is happening. You don't have to tell us everything yet because it's still early, but I really want to know why this club exists, what their purpose is, why Patsy joined in the first place, and how the police don't know about this.

I think one thing you could dive into in this chapter is why Patsy joined in the first place. She alludes to it in that Chloe forced her into it or manipulated her into joining. But then how did she become friends with Chloe? Has she ever felt suspicious of Chloe? Why was she susceptible to manipulation by Chloe? What did Chloe tell her about the club or about the Benjamin plot? What did Patsy think would happen and how has it not lived up to her expectations? If she's so uncomfortable with the idea of murdering someone now and she has all of this guilt, did she feel differently then? If so, why? I think this whole conversation could be expanded upon to answer some of these questions (you certainly won't be able to get to them all and that's fine! :p). I also think it would be good to back way up at some point and spend some scenes showing the beginning and the progression of Chloe and Patsy's relationship to show how we got to this club point in the first place.

The way she ended her conversation in the meeting felt a little abrupt. He just let her go and that was that. Maybe show more of his reaction or more of his thought process as she's leaving before he puts in the call. And suuuuuuuuuuper creepy of Chloe to show up there at the end. 100% don't trust her and don't like that she's there. Although I know Patsy can't die because she's still here in the present :p (unless you're going to play a crazy mind trick/twist on us................)

That's all for now! I'm looking forward to the next section!! Until then, let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:54 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Shan, glad you made it in time for LMS!

Nit-picks:

He bided his goodbyes to the man


pressed her two hands onto the desk and harshly asked

Keep in mind show-don't-tell here. How was she harsh? Did she shout, glare, tremble etc?

"I know what the damn newspaper says, Edward," Patsy coldly interjects

I was under the impression she had only met him recently, and that he was her superior in the club. How would she get to a point where she could talk down to him like this? I am in general confuesd in this chapter where Patsy seems to have got all this authority from.

"No one can see this because they are under her little spell of pretending everything is fine, that's all this is. I was one of her 'many puppets' and I can't fight back because she'll just loop me into her trick again."

I think this comes under show-don't-tell as well. I've heard nothing about Chloe being manipulative so far, thought that would be an interesting angle. As a result it seems like this is kind of off-the-cuff, if that makes sense? Like you needed a reason for Patsy to have done the murder and because you were rushed for time chose this. Again, it's a good idea, I think you just need to lay a little more groundwork.

Patsy rolled her eyes. "I don't want you to explain anything. I want you to answer my question of why I can't leave this club in peace."

It seems unlikely to me that Patsy would expect this. If nothing else, she knows too much to just let her walk away. Secrecy must be key for a club like this. It very much seems like a when you're in you're in kind of deal.

I'm leaving this club, Edward. I don't want to be apart of a club that allows murdering people as some sort of initation.

But then why did she do this in the first place...? I think this could be an interesting plot point - like, what the real reason behind Patsy doing the murder was (again if it's Chloe being manipulative I need more groundwork for that) but I would need Mr Hamstring to object something along the lines I've suggested, or for Patsy to acknowledge it or something.

Overall:

Quick structural thing - your POV switches quite a lot between Patsy and Mr Hamstring, which I actually quite like. We're very far removed from this story, as is often the case with mysteries, because we don't have the full story, so it feels natural to move omnisciently around between viewpoints. I don't think you've done it that often though, so on chapter 8 it feels a little inconsistent.

I think the main issue I'm having here is understanding two things. 1. Motivations. 2. Importances.

1. Motivations. Why did she join the club? Why did the club want her? Why does the club exist? I don't need all these questions answered at once, but when Patsy being in or out of the club is being claimed to be important, I need to have some inkling as to why, otherwise it's quite a bad case of show-don't tell.

2. Importances. Why did Benjamin Marcos have to die? Why did Frederick Damon have to die? Why does his death make a difference to whether or not Patsy is found out? (Is he currently the main suspect up to this point or something? But then why would the club want to shift the focus to one of their own?) Again, I don't need to know these all at once, but it's really difficult to engage in the story when I don't know why stuff is happening.

I know this probably sounded quite negative but I do still like the premise of the club and the character of Patsy, and I actually really like the way the POV switches around here. So I think you've got a lot of potential here. I just need to like, have some sort of clue what's going on xD

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took