War of all against all

Hey there, Roxy,

This topic of the poem is unsettling enough to move your audience either into submission or rebellion, both of which could do favors for the likability of your poem. However, these, laid out like this, are just ideas, dear, ideas without reason, with no conclusion and no sense of direction to any of this. Why? Why did the government dissolve? Did the people overthrow them triumphantly, or did corruption sink that ship? Why did the intelligent run away? Who are we waging this war against and why? I think that in some instances you could write a poem with so many open ended questions, but here, for this to work, I think we need a little bit more reasoning behind the words to stir up emotion inside of us, make sense?

June

I know society today its all blood shed and heartless combat there's no compassion no empathy only the endless war that is modern day life everyone lives in fear of something I really hope that someday this war will end and the world can return to a time when people cared for each other a time when no one blinked before helping another human being in need this doesn't seem likely to happen so I will continue to hope even when hope is seemingly lost I really liked this poem it's great and I think that everyone should read this maybe if they read about what's going on around them instead of trying to ignore it someone might start to care again

This was good, though. I believe that you could still do with a bit of improvement. Perhaps, you could've used some more poetic devices to improve your poem. Moreover, a few lines do not seem to be as good. I'd say you should try to break this poem into stanzas and think about this topic from a broader horizon. When I read this poem, your thoughts seemed to be somehow restricted. I didn't like the second last line. And the line: We fight for survival/Food, shelter, water; seems awkward. Survival includes food, shelter, water, clothing etcetera and so you could've mentioned something else. The end of the poem was quite predictable and there was a certain monotony in the poem. It seemed to be stretched for too long. But overall, it was a good effort.

Thats some dark poem. I have always wanted to write one but so far in vain. I liked it a lot even though I do have a thing for poems with rhyme scheme, this one just portrays a vivid picture to cover up for it. I wouldn't say I agree with the poem because all is not lost anyway but its a good imaginative effort. Enjoyed it, write some more on such themes.

I absolutely adore gloom/doom poems. However, some things to work on:

Form:
I think if you were to break this up into stanzas, it would be a little easier to stick with while reading. No one likes to see a poem with a continuous stream with no breaking up of the stanzas. Everytime there is a different though, break it into another stanza.

Content/Imagery:
I like the concept of the poem, at least it's better than all the love poems. However, I believe someone else has mentioned it, but add more imagery into the poem. You barely scratched the surface with it, make more lines like:
"We are brutal beasts
In a concrete wasteland."
That throws in imagery, it helps me see, and it isn't just telling me something. This can be done by throwing in some similies or metaphors- just please keep away from cliche. Cliche being the hair like gold/eyes like stars deal.

also, I love your two ending lines! Keep going with this, and with some tweaking, this could be great. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

It does not rhyme so well .
Its interesting what your trying to symbolize .
At one point it felt like a song , a dark song !
I liked it a lot !
Keep on writing
Can u please comment or review my work as well:
work.php?id=101303

Interesting in both form and function, but there is some repetiviness and things that just don't need to be said, such as "we have lost all morality", that line is implied in the entire poem, it tells me nothing. The intelligent running away tells me nothing (where to? why?) and it would make more sense for the weak to sleap with one eye open while the strong will not survive. Technically, after the first three lines, this poem is completely repetive, the rest just feels like empty description, because it is simply JUST description. I need a metaphor or something. You are just describing a scene (never matter that you don't know anything about that scene) for me, not telling me anything.

The all against all thing is very good and can work real well, and I like the shortness, I like the statement-ness and everything. I don't think this is a world in which people are still praying for their survival. What about the narrator? How is he different from everybody else?

All in all, the form and theme of this poem have great potential, but the execution is lacking. I need you to paint a portrait of the landscape for me. Like when you say there is no food or water, what about that? A dry riverbed, a steaming ocean, withered fields of dead crops, cows dead, turned over, fed on by ravaging butterflies. I NEED IMAGES.

The good news is that you have potential, because I am reading something here. I would refer to this as a poem OUTLINE, and not a poem. You know what I mean by outline, right? Or what in the movies is called a treatment. You tell me about the poem, this isn't a poem. Sit down, and write the poem. And the murder three line is actually really bad.

Some of these lines rhyme, while others don't, sometimes the pace is there, other times, it's just absent. I feel like the inconsistencies in this poem are really dragging it down. For instance, I feel like you almost had a beat going with "There is no love,/Only sex and lust./We do not trust," but it's broken with the next line, the pattern's just gone. For me, Poetry is not necessarily patterns, but it needs to flow. Sometimes it has it, but it gets broken up too much for it to be all one stanza. I feel like you had clear breaks in this before, and you took them out almost. So my suggestion, rework what's going on in the poem so that things flow. For instance, "family are strangers" is awkwardly said. Families perhaps, but singular, family, shouldn't go with are. Checking out the specific words like that, reading it out loud, and fixing the flow, is going to help get the poem smoother.

The other thing with this poem is that it is more telling than showing. There's very little metaphor here, or symbolism even. I feel like I'm being preached to instead of shown how the world is today. I'd rather be shown than told just because I feel like I have more of a deciding factor, like I'm actually involved in the conversation with the poem. You might consider picking a metaphor and rewriting the poem from that perspective, such as talking about a made up world, or a world of animals instead of our world, and then tying the two together somehow at the end.

Miss Roxyask c:

First off, I loved the title. It definitely caught my eye and now I will read . . .

My, my, very impressive! I usually save my favorite line for the end, but I feel like I must say it now:
"Friends became traitors,
Family are strangers."

That part blew me away! In the last work I read by you, I really did not see any of you as a person in it, but those two lines have completely changed my view. I can definitely tell you were in your 'writer's zone' when you wrote that. It's just something that creativity age you while you were doing something you loved. Awesome.

However, there were still some odd parts, like, I feel like there should be some spacing in there to create stanzas. When a poem is written in one block like that I expect it to be read with a very 'hold my breath' feel, and that was not given here. There times where I felt it needed to break.

But, any-who, Amazing finish! Great job, looking forward to more c:

Hi there,

Cool poem, strong message. I imagine a world where the all the laws and controlling forces that we once hated are gone and we realize how much we really needed them. Very sad, apocalypse type poem. Awesome, though I feel like the form is off. There isn't much to connect the lines besides a story being told. A stronger more consistent rhythm would make this a very enjoyable read. Right now it is more of a story, it would make a nice beginning to a book, but not quiet a poem that could stand on it's own, ya know? Of course that is my opinion, not stone cold fact.

Keep writing!!!

Wow! Just wow! I absolutely love everything about this. It really makes you feel as if you're there, watching society unfold. It makes you wonder how far our own world is slipping. Anyway, keep writing, because this is simply amazing.