Young Writers Society

I love it. It is indeed short, but length is not the issue. I mean there are six word memoirs. They tell an entire story in six words. Anywho, I liked it's simplicity. As long as you get what you want the meaning to be you can make it as short as you want. As for the reader they probably want more. They want to understand it in its entirety. I guess what I'm saying it is good. It's nice and short, but as a reader I'd like to know more. I also like the ambiguity of it. To me it gave off an air of mystery.

I think that this poem is just a little too short. It has too many lines thrown in there with not enough explanation. Allow the reader to understand. I also think that there are too many "little words" in the last line. I'm sure there is a more eloquent way to say "how not to be dead". Also, I would recommend taking "And" out of the beginning of the third line. It is not needed there. These are just some minor things. Your last line also seems to end with a dull thud, give it some pop and fizz! After all, that is the reader's last impression, sometimes this is just as important as the beginning hook. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

I really, quite honestly, loved this poem. Even though its short, you didn't over-do it by going overboard with lines that aren't needed. There's a hard line to hit between too little and too much, but I see you have done beautifully with getting very close to getting the line. I look forward to seeing other poems you do! : )

Hey there!

I'm going straight to the point. Your poem is good, but it needs just a bit more details and it would be nicer if you made it just a little bit longer. I know you wrote it a few years ago, so I congratulate you on that. - you're talented.

I like the general atmosphere of the poem. It was kind of hard to see it at first, because you jumped straight to the point and I don't know, it just ended too fast.

The lines are all good, except that last line. It seems rather enforced and doesn't go as smooth as the rest. Other than that I think it's great. I'm looking forward to reading more. You've got potential.

What's up with all the short poems You do realize how hard you guys make the job for reviewers by posting these kind of poems, don't you ? Well anyway, I love the last line of your poem. It could have been a simple "and how to live" but you have replaced it with something more thoughtful. I love people who dare to be unique, I love poems which dare to be unique. I like how you have said that something that doesn't take a breath teaches us how to live. That is some great imagination. As usual, I will cry about how you could have added more to it. I always do that when I stumble upon such short poems so you needn't worry Wonderful five lines, Cheers

I really liked this, it real mystical, I like that.
Its very very very very short, ahaha. But good!
Really good. I think that maybe you could've added some more detail, in the sentence, or wrote more. But, that was your choice and its still really good.
I'm glad the start of each line is consistent with a capital letter!c:

Continue, you're amazing at what you do, I could never get poems, ahaha.

~Winter

Hiya ^-^
This has a really enchanting air to it, and you could make it an excellent piece if you extended it c: just a thought.
Since it's an old piece, I guess it's finished, though. But it would speak louder if it was fleshed but a bit more and fuller c:
Sorry if I'm no help lol

Catnip~

eh, "you don't take a breath" seems like you're babying the audience a bit, don't you think? It isn't really necessary, you know? We could very easily infer from Below the moon and how not to be dead and the impossibiltiy of living and not dying that MAYBE, there is someone dead here, you know? The line is okay in and of itself, but its excess - A SHORT POEM REJECTS EXCESS, every line needs meaning in all poems (every syllable actually) but even more in a shorter poem, right?

Now the poem itself is interesting, and I like the witholding of information, like, its tantalizing or teasing or whatever, you know? But, ask yourself, are you really saying anything? Its nice, and it definitely seems to work better in a more confidential context, but between me and you, I don't know if there is much with this...

its well crafted and the whole inference thing is promising, maybe some more expansion

This poem is very short and sweet. In my opinion, "You don't take a breath" seems a little out of place..Perhaps a re-wording, or something of the such? I think it's a tense issue, I'm not quite sure, however. It just doesn't seem to fit in. (In my opinion, at least. You're the author though, you do what seems fitting for you. )
I like the length of this..keepin' it very short and sweet; I like that.
I especially love the line, "You taught us all how to be brave, and how not to be dead"
^That, I LOVE. I don't know, it just really sticks out to me and is wonderful.
Anyways, overall, this is a lovely little poem.
Keep up the good work!
~Kat.

It's very short but sweet, although the last line - "and how not to be dead" - seems out of place to me. It's much more passive than the rest of the poem - doing something versus not being dead seems like quite the bit of a contrast.

Hey! So I'll start with some more specific corrections or recommendations, and then give you a broader analysis.

Below the husky moon you lie[,]
You don't take a breath [I would change this to something along the lines of "leaving you breathless" or something to keep the first line from being its own disjointed statement.]
And although it seems impossible,
You taught us all how to be brave
And how not to be dead. [This is too blunt, and poorly stated. While I like that there's a bit of a dark kind of humor to it, I think it would be best if you said "And how not to die," or something with a similar impact.]


Overall, this was a pretty decent poem. You manage to quickly create a story and packed in plenty of emotion, which is a rare talent and one that I greatly admire. I think that this needs work and an improved transition from one line to the next, but overall, this is better than a lot of other works that I have read on the site.

In any case, keep writing, and best wishes. xxx