z

Young Writers Society



Can I go home?

by roxyask


Mommies crying again. I’m sorry mommy. I don’t mean to make you sad. I think you’re just scared that you don’t understand what’s happening. I get sad when I’m really confused too. But I’ll try tell you what is happening, the doctor told me so I know now.

I’m sick mommy. Everywhere hurts. The medicine the doctor gives me is making me feel sicker. But he says that it does that to make me better, but I don’t understand how that works, but you said I should listen to the doctor, so I listened. But I don’t know where my hair is going, it keeps falling out and it’s not coming back. The doctor says that’s because of the disease inside of me. But I don’t remember putting a disease inside of me, I never ate it or put it in my mouth or pocket or anything, I promise mommy! But it still found me.

I’m feeling sicker mommy. I have no hair now. I live with the doctors now. All my toys are here and all the doctors and nurses are really nice, but I still want to go home with you and daddy. Was I bold mommy? Is that why I have to stay here? I’m sorry mommy. You keep crying because of me, but you keep saying it’s not my fault, but I think it is. I’m really sorry mommy. I was trying really hard to be really good.

The doctor doesn’t think the medicine is working, so he’s going to try a different type of medicine. The medicine is different to the medicine you used to give me at home; it doesn’t come in a bottle. The doctor says he has to shoot me with it. But it’s a very special gun; it doesn’t shoot bullets like a gun in a movie. This medicine makes me feel really sick mommy. I don’t feel like eating anymore. Every time I eat I get sick. I want to go home mommy. Can’t I go home with you mommy and watch movies together in your bed like we used to? Please take me home mommy.

I still feel sick, but everyone thinks that this medicine will work. You told me I have to try and be really brave. I promise I’ll try really hard mommy. The nurses and the doctors all told me I was really brave. I kept my promise mommy.

The medicine didn’t work. I tried really hard to be really brave mommy. I don’t think I was brave enough. I still have something in me and I feel really sick. All my clothes are too big and I have no hair left. You still think I’m a princess though. Daddy told me I was beautiful yesterday. But mommies still crying. She keeps asking the doctor if there is anything else he can do. The doctor is just really sorry. This makes mommy sadder.

I get to go home today. Mommy and daddy have been taking all my toys home. All the doctors came to say goodbye. They look sad because I’m going, so I told them all that I’d visit when I felt better. I’m happy to be home but I still feel sick. I’m really tired and sore everywhere.

I think I’m getting sicker mommy. I don’t think I’m getting better at all. You told me that there is no more medicine left. The doctor can’t help anymore either. But I feel really sick mommy. Please make it stop. Please mommy.

Everyone came around today, but they were all crying. Why is everyone crying mommy? They brought flowers and teddy bears. But I couldn’t get out of bed to play with everyone, I still feel really sick mommy. I told them all I’d see them really soon, but this just made them sadder.

No one came around today. You said that today was just a day for you, me and daddy. You told me I was going somewhere new soon. Somewhere where I wouldn’t feel sick anymore. Somewhere where everyone’s really nice and I can play all day and have sweets and granddad will mind me. But I couldn’t bring anything with me, not even you. But I’m scared mommy. What if I get lost? Can I come home? I love you and daddy. Please come with me?

I feel really sick. Really really sick. You and daddy are sleeping in my bed tonight too. Mommies hugging me really tight, and daddies hugging us both. You keep telling me that everything is going to be alright, but you and daddy are both crying. You told me that it was your turn to be brave now. You told me that I did a really good job of being brave before. You keep telling me how much you love me. I love you both so much. I’m really sorry for making you both sad. It’s getting harder to breath. You just tell me to go to sleep. You sing me a lullaby. I can’t keep my eyes open. Maybe I’ll feel better after a sleep. I love you mommy and daddy.


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User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 903
Reviews: 17

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Fri Jul 27, 2012 3:56 pm
MorningStar wrote a review...



Your grammar needs a lot of work! You don't use commas in important areas, and then you use too many commas-- and because of that I find it hard to scrape together the will to read your work. It leaves it feeling juvenile. Appearances are everything, and you want to get the little details correct if you want to get a fanbase for your work! Your writing needs a lot of work. You have run-on sentences and a lot of unnecessary "sentence, but another sentence", when you should be using semi-colons and colons, or breaking them into different sentences completely.

Your ambition shows with your grappling with such a somber topic! It's a good try. If you research grammar a little bit, I'm 100% sure this could be a tear-inducing masterpiece.




roxyask says...


Thanks, I'll definitely work on that so!!



User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 405
Reviews: 13

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Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:23 pm
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SpeedyPencil wrote a review...



Amazing and touching! I beautiful yet depressing read. I think you did really wonderfully with this, It's a creative way to write it and it deffinately pays off. It just shows off the girls innocence so well but the reader always knows whats going on. It makes the reader really able to see from a little girls perspective but it still stays very deep at the same time. I don't have too much critique on it. It's really well written, well done :)




roxyask says...


Thank you so much, glad you liked it! :) thanks so much for the feedback!! :)




Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality