Rat-a-tat-tat.
Someone was knocking on the door. Very lightly, as if they didn't want to disturb the sleeping household.
Rat-a-tat-tat.
I stumbled down the hallway dark with shadows, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. What time was it, anyway? My brain felt too groggy to think. Time for me to be in bed.
The windows in the front room were glowing softly from pale rays of the sun. It was a mellow light, but I felt temporarily blinded, and rubbed my eyes, wearily. The small clock hanging above the fireplace read 6:15 exactly. It somehow felt three hours earlier than that.
Where were Mama and Papa, anyway? They usually liked to be up early.
A small seed of irritation sprouted in my stomach as I grabbed the doorknob. Someone else should've answered the door.
Without much thought to what I was doing, I swung it open wide. A cool morning breeze met me, along with a pair of huge, blue eyes. That was the first thing I noticed about her. Second, being her dirty blond hair jaggedly cut around her chin with highlights of purple streaked throughout it.
I stared at her.
"Hello," she said, a dimpled smile flashing gently across her face.
My grip on the knob tightened. "Can I help you?"
"Um, yes." She stooped down to pick up a long dish covered in foil at her feet. "I'm just here to drop off this breakfast casserole for your family. I'm so sorry it's so early." She glanced worriedly at the sky, biting her bottom lip. "I just have to be at work soon, and didn't know when else to stop by."
Breakfast casserole?
The expression on my face must have been as blank as my mind felt because she cocked her head slightly, eyebrows knitting together. "You are the new pastor's family, right?"
"Yeeesss," I said, slowly, and when the relief washed over her face, I asked, "And exactly... who are you?"
The relief evaporated. "Oh. I'm - I'm Zoey." She looked crestfallen now. "Did they not tell you about me?"
They? I shook my head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"The church." She looked at the dish in her hands. "I guess I can't really blame them. I'm still kind of new here, trying to fit in." She laughed weakly, and I noticed for the first time the bold lettering on her baggy sweatshirt read Pismo Beach, California.
"Though I did," she pursed her lips a little," ask Brenae to apologize to your family for me - that I couldn't make it to church yesterday."
She motioned to the tan sedan behind her that almost resembled a used candy wrapper. So crumpled and dented it was. "My son hasn't been feeling well, so I kept him at home all day. I'm so sorry we couldn't make it." Her eyes were brimming with sincerity when she looked at me. "I really wanted to be there."
A sliver of something pricked my chest. Guilt? Sympathy? Sorrow that she seemed to think church had been good?
My shirt was wrinkled. I pulled the hem taut over my hips, suddenly self-conscious of my appearance. It probably hadn't been the best idea to sleep in my graveyard-traipsing clothes from last night. "Sorry," I offered weakly, "about your son."
She smiled a small smile, fair brows lifting. I noticed two tiny holes, above and beneath the crook of her right eyebrow.
"I'd love for you to see him, but he's sleeping right now." She held out the casserole, her cheeks glowing a pale pink. "So, I'm just welcoming you by myself."
Welcoming you? Some part of me felt stunned, a little shocked. "Why?" I finally managed. It came out much harsher than I intended.
Zoey almost looked confused. "Because you're the new pastor's family, and you're - you're helping us by coming here." She bit her bottom lip, forehead knitting together once more. "I guess I just want to show I'm grateful." She cocked her head. "Hasn't anyone else welcomed you guys?"
Funny, I thought. You're funny.
I had to suppress a snort, keep the taste of bitterness coiled inside. Zoey seemed happy we were here. Genuinely glad. That was like a splash of cold water after the hostility on Sunday; a definite shock.
I took the dish from her hands, and only said, "Thank you." I hope she heard all the gratitude in that phrase. I didn't want to say anymore. Thank you for the casserole. Thank you for coming here. Thank you for actually caring.
Before she could respond there was the low humming of a car engine. A twig snapped as a dark station wagon rolled past the house. Through the windows, I could see Mary staring straight ahead at her driveway.
Almost immediately Zoey stiffened, eyes falling to her scuffed combat boots, hands flying to her hair. "I - I should be going now. I hope you enjoy." She flashed a quick smile as she began to back away. She looked nervous. Almost scared.
I frowned. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I - " She hesitated, glancing around. "I just get a little anxious around her, you know."
"No," I said. "I don't know." I stared at her, waiting. Tell me. Just please tell me what's wrong with that woman.
"Oh." Zoey looked as if she didn't know what to say to that. Her eyes darted back to Mary. She had parked, and got out of the car, and seemed to be pulling bags out of the backseat.
"She um, she doesn't care much for us. I'm not really sure why." She tucked her hands in the pocket of her hoodie, and added quietly, "Brenae said there was a horrible history between her and the church, and she did some awful things, but I don't know what. It's something no one talks about."
There was Brenae again. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Not a single ounce of my being felt inclined to believe that. I looked over at Mary and wondered.
"Anyway." Zoey shook her head a little. "Didn't mean to stand here gossiping. It was lovely to meet you, Maddie, and I hope your family enjoys."
If I could have lifted my hand I would have. I only nodded my head at her. "Bye."
There was a smile bright on her face when she pulled out of the driveway. I watched her car until it disappeared among the trees, then down at the casserole in my hands. I could smell it, penetrating through the cool morning air. Sausage and spices and eggs. I was hungry, and I didn't even know it. Dear Zoey, it's obvious you're not from around here.
When I turned to walk back into the house Mary was gone.
End of chapter
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Yay, Zoey! I like her already, of course. And feel a bit bad for her, because wow, Maddie's bitter. What a way to react to someone who's just trying to be nice. I'm glad she didn't actually bite her head off of anything and kept her thoughts to herself.
(Also, I'm really hungry atm and your description of the casserole made my stomach growl xD)
One thing that I'm starting to notice is I'm sort of getting character fatigue. I can't remember who Mary and Brenae are and if Maddie's met them in person and what she knows about either of them. I think part of it is that we keep hearing about people but not meeting them? Or Maddie just doesn't talk to them long enough for them to make an impression, especially since her feelings towards all the townspeople at the moment are pretty much the same variation of "I hate you."
This reaction sort of confused me. I mean, it's pretty clear that the townspeople have been really closemouthed up until this point, and that there's some rift between Mary and the church, so what part does she not believe? Also, how does she think she's going to figure anything out if she's not willing to listen?
Two small things:
I understood the intention here, but because of the way it was worded, the image this put in my head was just a pair of floating eyeballs. Say that it was a girl first, and maybe if she's short/tall, and then draw attention to her eyes - it'll feel more natural.
This was one of two or three places when you had a sentence fragment that really should have been part of the sentence before it. Not sure if it was just a typo or an actual grammar mistake, but I thought I'd point it out as it was quite jarring.
Anyway, I liked this chapter.
Hey! I'm here, after a slight delay (apologies). Let's get to it, shall we?
Technically this makes sense, but I personally don't like how it sounds? She was just in bed, and she got out, and yes, I usually think the same thing when I have to get up early, but maybe 'Time for me to go back to bed/sleep'? I don't know, feel free to ignore this
Several commas aside, I know you wrote that it was a mellow light, but sunrise coming through windows when you can't see the sun is a subdued lighting transition from darker rooms (I would know, unfortunately), and I don't think that would have blinded her. However, if the sun is visible through the trees, that is incredibly blinding and annoying in the morning.
She seems to have thought about it beforehand? She's annoyed she's answering the door, she noticed the way they are knocking. You could just pass it off as her not thinking about actually opening the door and me just being too nitpicky though.
Has she been knocking for very long? If she hasn't, why did she put it down? Was she expecting to leave? If so, maybe you could describe her turning around when Maddie opens the door, or something like that.
Did she not get dressed into pajamas/sleepwear last night? I guess I hadn't really thought about it, but I assumed she went to the graveyard dressed for bed since it was midnight. Unless she did a super quick clothes change when she heard someone leaving, but that doesn't really make sense to me. I think it would make more sense for Maddie to be self-conscious about her pajamas, not necessarily because it was what she was wearing for 'graveyard-traipsing'.
This leads me to believe that Zoey was welcomed, since she mentioned she was new to town, which makes me really curious (did the last pastor/the cult welcome her?). Why welcome Zoey (and her son), and not Maddie's family? (unless it has to do with Jonathon/the cult/Maddie's dad/etc).
Again, I'm probably looking into this too much xD
Since Maddie is generally somewhat bitter, and doesn't seem to like Mary all that much, why doesn't she believe this? Or does her ill feelings towards Brenae (?) hold precedence over the former reasoning?
-How does Zoey know Maddie's name? Maybe it's just floated around town and all, but that seems a little odd that out of all her siblings Zoey seems to know exactly which one she is.
-I'm getting to feeling that something is on the plot-horizon. This chapter was a little slower, granted, but I enjoyed it! I'm a little sceptical of Zoey, but I think that's more to do with Cedar Ravine and the people that live there over her character.
-I can't wait to see some of the character interact! We've had a lot of introductions, but aside from Maddie's family, there hasn't been a lot of character interaction between anyone else and Maddie, and I'm excited for that! I'm so curious to know what's going on here.
I'm sorry that this review wasn't too helpful overall, mostly just me nitpicking, making some comments, and speculating, but it was a good chapter!
Keep up the good work <3 I hope you have a lovely day
Thanks for reviewing!
No, Zoey wasn't welcomed, but she's a bit surprised no one from the church would welcome their new pastor or anything. And not to dive too much into it, but Zoey and Brenae are good friends and... let's just say they've talked about this new family (who is who, all the details, etc.) a lot. That's how Zoey knows who Maddie is.
To clarify a few things...
I plan to clear some things up later. xD
Hey, rosette! Storm here for another review, so let's get to it.
I think that acknowledging the oxymoron in this is important. It doesn't make any sense to knock on the door but not want people to hear. I'd say address this. It's a neat little detail, but if you don't address the oxymoron, people will wonder if it was intentional.
This seems like a harsh comparison considering it should be a fairly pleasant shock that not everyone is prepared to hate them. Changing the metaphor to something less unpleasant would help the line from feeling at odds with itself.
The writing in this seems to be a bit of an improvement from the past few chapters. It seems like you've struck a balance between trying to just get out the first draft and putting effort into the word on the page. I think it's a good equilibrium. There's room for improvement, but it's going to be easier to go through and edit.
I'm really liking Zoey so far. I hope that she's going to play a large part in the overall story. However, I could also see a benefit in isolating Maddie and making her stand alone for the majority of the novel. Forcing her to investigate and survive whatever is coming on her own would make a compelling story. The more help she gets and the more secure she feels, the less the story will benefit from the turbulence of the events. I'd love to see Maddie feeling unable to talk to anyone about what she discovers because it leaves a lot of room for growth at the end of the novel and a compelling aspect of the actual plot.
I'm also antsy to see that boy again (I forget his name, but he was the guy in the parking lot). I know there aren't a lot of kids, but I want to see how living in Cedar Ravine affects them. What are they like, and how are they different from normal kids? How does this cult impact their lives? Are they a part of it?
Another question to consider: What are the consequences of not joining this cult?
Overall, this chapter was pretty good. I'm enjoying the story so far, and I'm eager to learn more about this creepy town.
You know I'm always up for book talk!
~Ink
Whew. I'm happy you like Zoey. I didn't want her to come across as anything but likable.
Thanks for the review!
that seems ominous...
xD