z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Cedar Ravine: 4.2

by rosette


I almost wish Silas had punched Jackson. He's such a brat, he deserves it. Apparently, Silas would have, but Papa stepped in, and tried to calm everyone down.

Papa's always trying to fix things.

He lectured Jackson. I don't know what he said, I only heard Jackson yell. Then he stormed off. But only to his room. I wonder if Papa regretted stepping in at the church. Maybe Jackson would have learned that sometimes he needs to keep his mouth shut. -

There was a creak.

I raised my head, and looked at the door. Over Kiley's soft breathing, I heard footsteps. The squeak of an old floorboard.

I reached for my phone, facedown on my blanket, and pressed the home button. 11:43 PM.

Papa had turned all the lights off and sent everyone to bed nearly two hours ago. But it appeared I wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep. My curiousity was awakened.

I set down my journal, and turned off Kiley's lamp on her dresser, then held my breath.

Another squeak.

You couldn't get away with nothing in this house.

I slowly slid to the door, careful to open it. The hinges were annoyingly indecisive; sometimes they would scream in protest, somtimes they were silent. Thank God they appeared to be sleeping now.

I left the door open just enough for me to peek out into the hallway. It wasn't as dark as I had supposed. The pale light of the moon glowing through the windows in the front rooms revealed a shadow at the front door. I squinted.

Jackson?

He opened the door, and I saw a glimpse of checkered shoes and ruffled hair. That was definitely Jackson. I almost called out, demanded to know what he was doing, walking around so late at night. But then he was gone. The door shut behind him.

I frowned.

There was a part of me that would not be satisfied until I found out where he was going.

-----

Where the end of the driveway met the road, I could see him, turning to the right. Another shadow among the trees, if not for the light he swung in one hand.

I stepped down the porch steps, and hurried after him. The moon splattered it's light on the road, but I watched where I walked, anyway. Jackson couldn't know I was following him. He would try to make me go back, or simply go back himself.

Then I would never know what he was up to.

Save for my own footsteps sounding lightly in my ears, the woods were silent. It was as if Night had come and froze everything in it's path. No wind blew, no creatures stirred. Everything was cold, and still, and calm. I pulled my hood over my head, and buried my hands deep in the pockets of my sweater.

Jackson wasn't walking very fast, just sort of ambling along. As if he typically strolled through forests at midnight. Something about that irked me.

Did he?

Maybe he simply decided to take a walk, I thought. Cool down. But no. No, that wasn't right. Nothing about Jackson's demeanor displayed anger. He didn't even seem irritated. 

If anything, he appeared happy. Happier, at least, than I had seen him all day.

Time ticked on, he walked on, and I followed. My nose and cheekbones were beginning to numb. I hunched my shoulders, and resisted the urge to call out, tell him to go back to the house. Whatever he was doing out here was pointless.

Wasn't it?

His light flashed around a second, revealing another road branching off the main one. And a building.

I looked closer. 

It was the church.

We had almost walked a mile. I thought for a second he would stop here, maybe go inside, but he passed it.

I noticed his pace had quickened.

Not a minute later, his light flashed up from the road, ahead again, and I saw that the road narrowed at what looked like an entrance. An entrance to what? I could only see little white slabs sticking up out the ground.

What the heck

A chill scampered up my arms, and down to the pit of my stomach.

It was a cemetery.

Jackson didn't hesitate. He plowed straight ahead, right under the iron entry, only pausing to look at each row of gravestones he passed. Eventually, he stopped at one row, and began to walk down it, shining his light on all the tombstones he passed.

I crept up behind him, a few rows away, holding my breath, treading as noiseless as possible. The grass was short and prickly, and bristled at my steps. I hunkered down, keeping my eyes on him.

My tongue burned with questions. What was he doing? What was he even looking for?

Then, he suddenly stopped, and sat down. His flashlight shone on the gravestone before him. It was short and square, and that was all I saw of it before a voice cried out, "Who's there?!"


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Thu Mar 29, 2018 2:33 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hiya! I'm back :)

-So, the other time that Maddie wrote a journal entry, she wrote the date before the entry, which made it clear she was writing in her journal. I caught on after a minute, but I might include that for the sake of consistency so the reader knows what she's doing.

facedown on my blanket,


This should probably be an obvious answer, but I'm confused so I'm going to ask. Is this Maddie or her phone facedown on her blanket?


It was as if Night had come and froze everything in it's path.


Is Night supposed to be capitalised? I know sometimes I capitalise things like that, but it's not apparent to me whether this was an intentional capitalisation.


Jackson wasn't walking very fast


I know you know what filler words are, so I'll just point out the very here and move on :)


I could only see little white slabs sticking up out the ground.


There's a missing 'of' in 'sticking up out [of] the ground'.


-Well! This is an interesting chapter. Certainly creepy, though I'm a little more concerned about what Jackson is doing than Maddie following him. It's a little odd that he seems to know where things are since they've only been here a short time, but then again, I can't even navigate in the neighbourhood I grew up in, so maybe he's just better at remembering where things are. But if Jackson's getting involved with something(?), that would be a little harder to grasp.

-I can't really put a finger on how Maddie's feeling during this chapter, especially when she's following Jackson. Is she scared of being discovered? Is curiosity overruling fear? Is she getting an adrenaline rush from sneaking around? Your descriptions are beautiful, as always, but I can't really grip what Maddie's feeling in this chapter much of the time.


Sorry I don't have much to say for this chapter! I know a lot of that was just pointing out little errors. Again, apologies!

I hope you have a wonderful day, and keep it up <3




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Tue Mar 27, 2018 9:26 pm
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inktopus wrote a review...



Hey rosette! Ink here for a review, so let's get to it!

It took me a bit of thinking to pinpoint what bothered me about your first few sentences after the italicized bit at the beginning. I think the problem is that you start a lot of the sentences with nouns and pronouns. (This is from "I raised my head.." to the end of "I set my journal...). The problem rears its head a bit more, but I'm not going to go into specific places. Just try to mix up the way you start your sentences a bit more.

I set down my journal, and turned off Kiley's lamp on her dresser, then held my breath.

This is embarrassing, but I initially didn't realize that the first thing written was a journal entry, so I was confused when Maddie put down the journal. Maybe just to idiot proof this, you could make it a bit more obvious that it's a journal entry because my stupid self missed that.

You couldn't get away with nothing in this house.

I'm sure you know this is a double negative, and I know what you mean. My main problem with this is Maddie hasn't spoken like this before, so it feels out of character and strange for her to say it now. In edits, I think it would be interesting to have her speak less grammatically correct, but continuity is the most important thing.

The moon splattered it's light on the road, but I watched where I walked, anyway.

Its. I also don't think "splattered" fits here very well. I'd choose another word that fits better, if I were you.

It was as if Night had come and froze everything in it's path.

Since you've made this mistake twice, and I've seen you make it before, I'll do a quick grammar explanation. When you're using 'it' possessively, you don't use an apostrophe like when you use names (ex. Becky's). 'It's' is a contraction of "it is", so you have to make the distinction between the two and not use an apostrophe when using it as a possessive pronoun.
Sorry if you didn't need that little grammar lesson, but I figured that it was a good idea to do it anyway.

I pulled my hood over my head, and buried my hands deep in the pockets of my sweater.

No comma necessary.

First things first, I saw a lot more grammar errors in this than usual. I didn't point all of them out, so stay vigilant when you proofread.

Other than the grammar errors, I'm liking the intrigue in this chapter. Not a whole lot happened, but I have a lot to look forward to in the next installation.

Sorry that I didn't have a lot to say, but you know that I'm always up for novel talk!

Edit: Since your program doesn't recognize grammar errors and whatnot, I'd recommend installing the free version of Grammarly on your computer (I have it on mine, and it's totally safe, so you don't need to worry), and just use that to proofread your chapters in the publishing center of YWS.

~Ink




rosette says...


*was actually just about to install Grammarly* C:
Thanks for the review!



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Tue Mar 27, 2018 5:05 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here for a review. Please feel free to ignore any suggestio deemed unhelpful. If I offend, I apologize. It is not intentional.

Thanks for sharing this chapter concerning a mysterious walk to a cemetery. I like the way that the tension slowly builds up as the boy is being followed and the way that the chapter ends by asking of a question. Also the imagery of darkness, moonlight, road, hallway, and creaking sounds added to the drama involved when humans are of faced with the unknown.

My favorite expression was:

"A chill scampered up my arms, and down to the pit of my stomach."

Suggestions

The start of the chapter would have been better at:

"There was a creak."

The other statements would have been best mentioned in the previous chapter.


You couldn't get away with nothing in this house. [ ....with anything....]

,,,,and began to walk down it, [....walking alongside illuminating them as he passed.]

....protest, somtimes they.... [....sometimes....] Always use spell-checker.

....two hours ago. [....two hours before.] For tense consistency.


Economy of words suggestions

[The short and prickly grass bristled at my steps.]

Where driveway met the road, he turned right.

[....as if night had frozen....]

The hinges were annoyingly indecisive; sometimes they would scream in protest, sometimes they were silent. Thank God they appeared to be sleeping now. [Thank God everyone....] Otherwise it seems to refer to the hinges.

All in all a very dramatic chapter which makes one want to read on. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




rosette says...


Thanks for the review, Radrook!
The program I use for writing doesn't underline any mistakes or spelling errors, therefore quite a few of them go unnoticed. It's actually kind of embarrassing. xD
I actually was referring to the hinges sleeping in that one paragraph, but I'm still not sure if I like the way I phrased it.

Thanks once more for the advice. :D




GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour