Hi rohan ! Traves here for a quick review.
My first impression is that this is a more resigned/cynical work rather than angry one at the inconveniences and troubles groups and individuals inevitably suffer as they clash in their life goals. Of how the small fry is brushed aside when religious processions take to the road. Though there are many reasons. I like how the thoughts and observations link and pile upon each other as the poem progresses, and some are very poignant.
There appear to be some grammatical errors and awkwardly worded lines—
- It should be either 'a god' or "God" although the latter is used more by Abrahamic faiths
-Men's tiny *shoulders
-In the second last stanza it feels like it should be *they'll have to wait for their turn since hearts are the subjects of the sentence. It could refer to the coming together but still feels awkward to read
- *There are still many potholes on the road
The capitalization and punctuation are distracting too. Did you use the default word processor capitalization (capitalize every new line) ? It hurts the flow while reading especially where enjambment is used. Here are some amazing forum articles on them,I recommend reading them when you get time.
Punctuation in Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry
I'll use the poetry review format I learnt in a YWS workshop a few years ago for the poetry side of it.
1. Similes and metaphors — I caught one direct metaphor in the poem, the "different hearts" standing in for the people. There appears to be one hidden in a double meaning in
, where the shoulders although literally carry the weight of the statues of deities but also are implied to be thinking that they are carrying it otherwise too — that their religion would fall from its heights if they did not proffer their shoulders on that day on that road. Let me know if I got anything wrong. If you're going for a re-write, this is one area you could improve on, although it's not necessary.Men's tiny shoulder carry the weight of god,
2. Characters, conflict and resolution —
These I feel are the strongest points of the work. The characters are well defined. The ordinary people congregating into one mass of devotees, and the scattered individuals hurt by them. Including those introduced at the very end in one of my favourite lines
There are children with their homes on the road.
You create the setting and characters deftly with short, sharp images. The resolution, as I mentioned initially feels cynically resigned as is the reality, so it could be said there is no real resolution.They wait for the processions to pass by, and those who can, carry on.
3. Meaning/story/moral in 2 lines — The work throws light on the callousness that people congregating to celebrate an almighty benevolent being ironically exhibit, and those that can do nothing in the face of it.
All in all, the work had some strong images to support it and definitely painted the whole picture bit by bit. Something which could be done with quick edit would be the flow improvement through thinking about capitalization and punctuation choices, and to a lesser extent line length variation. Otherwise, the work feels complete as it stands.
Keep writing and sharing !
Points: 400
Reviews: 66
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