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Life and us

by rohan


Life is strange,

No matter who you are.

Each of us affect each of us,

Everyone's fate keeps changing,

its twists and turns bizarre.

Childhood is a bliss,

I'm sure you remember.

Carefree laughs and the impossible dreams,

Nothing's ever boring if you can laugh and cry and scream,

Blessed are the days when we ran for happiness,

And blessed are the days when

dreams weren't restricted to slumber.

The middle is a time of realisations,

Your flaws, your dreams and limitations.

The cries, the dreams, all become private,

Every mishap makes you hide yourself a bit more,

Life has a way of making you keep the doors closed.

Soon the dark becomes your friend,

And it's easy to get lost.

Then someone finds a key to the door,

Or if you're lucky, throws bricks till it goes down.

Sometimes it's butterflies,

Sometimes a punch in the gut.

Or if you're lucky, maybe both at once.

It might take time, to hold the door ajar,

To learn to live, relearn to laugh.

When you think you've seen it all,

a new story is spun.

All our lives are a brand new cliché,

I can't say there's a happy end to it all,

I haven't seen it yet.

Those who have, alas, cannot tell.

Life begins when it begins,

Life ends when it ends,

All our lives are but stories,

Not every story is supposed to end.


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User avatar
525 Reviews


Points: 30091
Reviews: 525

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Sat May 18, 2019 11:03 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this cold night, and to help get your work out the green room.

Let's start with what I saw that can be fixed.

So here is the first thing, it's very small and a simple mistake.

Each of us affect each of us,

Okay the words in bold is what I would like to talk about. So I think they just need to be chanced to 'other' instead. It would make this line sound a little better, and give it a better flow.

The other thing that can be fixed is really easy to do.
You see all your lines are close together, and to help with the flow of the poem you can put them into paragraphs. If you tried that before then I have got a tip to do that.
What you do is this. You write then press enter then you go ... then enter again and you continue writing.

Now I would like to talk about the good things i saw in your poem.
I think it was a really good idea, I remember coming up with something similar to it and writing a poem about it. So it was cool to see one else come up with something that is almost the same.
I will have to say it was the name of the poem that got me here to read your work, it was rather and interesting choice of name. And it's rather eye catching.
I also like the little story behind your poem, it was something I can relate to, making it easier for us as the reader to connect with the emotions in the peace. I like that it had a beginning and an end.
Your punctuation and spelling was also really well done. And to flow the poem had was good to.

Well that's all from me for now, I'm really glad I got the chance to read and review this for you. I hope You will never stop writing and post again on YWS soon. I hope you have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




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10 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 10

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Fri May 17, 2019 7:27 pm
Demora wrote a review...



Alrighty so I'm going to review this marvelous piece so far, gotta say just to get compliment out of the way I love how you've basically gone through the journey of life in all sense with dismal and depressing, I love dark and sad poetry so this stuff always syncs with me in that it's relate able and understandable cause like my favorite line about remembering the bliss of childhood really strikes a cord for people to relate with. Now to the possible tips and critiques to assist you in your writing.

Everyone's fate keeps changing,

its twists and turns bizarre.

This line here I feel could be phrased differently to help make this form and flow more smoothly for the reader cause even as I read it in my head and out loud again it just didn't fully seem right when read all together with the rest of the poem. I understand what you're saying here but for some reason I just don't feel that last line there of twist and turns is necessary as you go into the line of childhood is bliss. I also feel like if you replace "its" with "the" instead i feel it just seems to roll better in my eyes but that's all up to you of course tis merely suggestion i offer.

Ok so I am not sure if that's just how it ended up being worded but I noticed there seemed to be a start to some rhyming which i really enjoyed because it broke up the lines into their on little parts then as the rhymes seemed to take place at the end of a specific topic of sorts which was pleasing cause the pattern was a rather interesting one i quite enjoying and was searching for through the rest of the poem but didn't find when i first read through this piece and would love to see more of that rhyming not through the entire poem but continued in the patter you had of two or three lines then two lines that rhymed i quite enjoyed that and feel many others would appreciate the flow better as well. But that also means it may end up changing your poem if you force the rhyming to work so if you want more of a straight forward than rhyming maybe readjust the words you do have lined up that end up rhyming to stop the pattern entirely so that way the reader doesn't come to expect it throughout the rest of your poem.

Otherwise I absolutely loved this piece look forward too seeing if this helped you any, keep up the writing!





“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken