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An unwritten song

by rohan


An unwritten song is all I have

For the times we lived

For the times we didn't

For the day you woke up for the last time.

.

I carry the words in my head,

You travel with music in you.

We wait for the time to be right

To sing our melody, our truth.

.

Days pass and

the words fade away

New words replace the old

The rhythm evolves into something new

As we dance to the evolving tune.

.

In the deafening silent music

No words are exchanged,

No signs are made,

No eyes are met.

We move together silently

Listening to the whispers we couldn't make.

.

An unwritten song is all I have

For the love I feel for you

An unwritten letter is all I have

For the dreams I have with you

With no words to express my soul,

An undying faith is all I have

That perhaps, you just know


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33 Reviews


Points: 457
Reviews: 33

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Sun Jan 03, 2021 4:30 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hello! I am no poet, so I will review this in the perspective of a reader...

First off, in your first stanza you write:

"For the day you woke up for the last time."

I think this line can be condensed so it isn't such a mouthful, for example, you say the word "for" twice and while this isn't such a big deal, I think that can be changed. Perhaps:

"For the day you awoke one last time"

Secondly, your line,

"In the deafening silent music"

Deafening silent is a nice oxymoron, but then you go on to use "silently" again in the same stanza so I would change the wording or change the wording of the line where you say "silently" Perhaps:

"In the silently deafening music" and for the line, "We move together silently", I would change the wording because the "silently" is already implied

I love the last stanza. It is my favorite stanza from the entire poem. But, the last line doesn't do it justice. The ending is abrupt and doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe that was intentional, but if not, I would reword it.

That's all I have! I loved this poem and I love the concept! You convey emotion and passion flawlessly and your writing style is very lyrical.




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116 Reviews


Points: 2307
Reviews: 116

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Sat Jan 02, 2021 1:00 am
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



Hey rohan! LZ here with my first review since.. September 8th. Wow. That is not good. Anyways, I'm here to review this! Let me just start off with saying that I really, really liked this poem! The theme is wonderful and I enjoyed reading it.

First off, I like how you used punctuation is this poem. Some poems I think punctuation doesn't work in, but this one it does! The thing is, sometimes you forgot to follow through with the commas and periods. Like here:

Days pass and

the words fade away.

New words replace the old.


I think those are supposed to be two separate sentences, so to follow the pattern that you already had, I would put the bolded periods I added.

I love how simple the poem is! It flows really nicely. One thing I would do is change some of the words up. Simple is a good thing, but if you want to add some so-called *pIzZaZz* (yes this is a professional review), maybe switch up your words! For an example I'll use this line:

Your line:
New words replace the old


My line:
Young words replace the dead.


It is a small change, and unless you want to change up some of the words in the rest of the poem, I wouldn't do it, but I think it makes a difference!

One more thing. I like the ending stanza. It perfectly conveys the narrator's sadness, but I do think the last line sounds weird.

An undying faith is all I have

That perhaps, you just know


"You just know" sounds.. not very good. I'm sorry, but it sounds out of place in this poem. Here are some other lines I think could work a little better instead of "you just know":

  • you understand
  • you are aware
  • that perhaps, you know

Even ridding of the word "just" makes it sound better. My teacher always taught me there is no need for extra words, so that's how I'm basing this opinion.

Anywho, rohan, that's all from me tonight! Again, I loved your poem. It was easy to read and I really enjoyed it! Have a lovely evening and an even better 2021! :)




mordax says...


Hi, I just joined this site and I'm wondering how you place your quotes from the work in the little bubble thing in your reviews? If you could help me out it would be greatly appreciated!!



LZPianoGirl says...


Hey @mordax! What you do is this:

[quote*]insert what you want to say here[/quote*] (but without the *). It would end up looking like this:
insert what you want to say here


Here's the link to the Big Book of YWS Codes! It contains everything you need to know. Hopefully that helped!



mordax says...


Thank you so much!!!



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27 Reviews


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Reviews: 27

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Fri Jan 01, 2021 7:35 pm
AtlasWut wrote a review...



Hi, Rohan! Atlas here for my first review of 2021! Today I'm reviewing your poem, An unwritten song. I want to make it known that all of my statements in this review are my own, and I mean no offense by them (please tell me if I say something upsetting or harsh, so we can make things right!). I also want to be clear that all of my statements are merely suggestions, so feel free to use all, or none, of them if you chose to edit this piece. Anyway, let's get to it!

I really enjoyed this piece! It carried a lot of emotional impact in a concise way. I also thought the stanzas were organized very well. Not only is it pleasing to the eye but the ideas of the poem are kept from being too all over the place. Great job!

I did notice as the poem went on the stanzas became longer and wordier. For the most part, this was a nonissue, but I do think there were a few places where things could be simplified a bit.

In the deafening silent music

While I can see what you are trying to describe here, I think removing the word "deafening" from this line would help with its wordiness without hurting the overall message of the stanza.

Listening to the whispers we couldn't make

Same concept here. You could easily get rid of the word "the" without hurting the integrity of this line.

As for grammar and syntax, I didn't notice any glaring issues. I do think that since you used proper punctuation throughout the poem, a period should be added after this line for continuity. I also threw in a "while" to help the flow.
Days pass and
the words fade away while
New words replace the old.


A period should be put here, too. Again, this is just for continuity.
An unwritten song is all I have
For the love I feel for you.
An unwritten letter is all I have
For the dreams I have with you.


The final thing that stood out to me is the last line. I didn't really understand its placement? I understand the message, but I think it leaves the poem feeling unfinished. I would consider rewording it. Maybe:
An undying faith is all I have
But that you already know.


Again, I really enjoyed your poem, An unwritten song. I thought you delivered the message very well, and nothing I noticed affected the integrity of the poem. You did a great job on this piece, so I did nitpick a little. Either way, I hope this review was helpful! (If not, that's okay as well. Just let me know!)

Happy writing,
Atlas





Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
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