Hello! I am no poet, so I will review this in the perspective of a reader...
First off, in your first stanza you write:
"For the day you woke up for the last time."
I think this line can be condensed so it isn't such a mouthful, for example, you say the word "for" twice and while this isn't such a big deal, I think that can be changed. Perhaps:
"For the day you awoke one last time"
Secondly, your line,
"In the deafening silent music"
Deafening silent is a nice oxymoron, but then you go on to use "silently" again in the same stanza so I would change the wording or change the wording of the line where you say "silently" Perhaps:
"In the silently deafening music" and for the line, "We move together silently", I would change the wording because the "silently" is already implied
I love the last stanza. It is my favorite stanza from the entire poem. But, the last line doesn't do it justice. The ending is abrupt and doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. Maybe that was intentional, but if not, I would reword it.
That's all I have! I loved this poem and I love the concept! You convey emotion and passion flawlessly and your writing style is very lyrical.
Points: 391
Reviews: 89
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