Come let's walk on the edge of sanity.
To the moment when thoughts aren't blurs.
To the point where the fifth dimension occurs,
Let's walk together till we transcend humanity.
Let's run till our heart gives up,
And the muscles break and out the bones pry.
We run, not stop till the tears run dry,
We halt when the thoughts catch up.
Let's push each other to the end,
Push further beyond and cross the line.
New place we unlock, a realm divine,
Where every being finds a way to fend.
We catch our breaths, few moments we wait,
Enjoy the view, as the sun loses the bright.
And soon as order sets in the night,
We run again, let chaos take over, and create.
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey Rohan, Aley here to review from team Blueberry Muffins!
This is really lyrical and pretty. I love how the rhyme scheme is gentle and it's hardly noticeable. Your abba pattern does well with that.
There were a few cases where I feel like the rhymes fell flat because you had to stop the sentence early and those should be changed. "and the muscles break and out the bones pry" this was an awkward read because the typical way to say that is "and the bones are pried out" but because you're looking for the rhyme, you ended up flipping it. Instead, consider using a different rhyme set, or something else that rhymes with dry but still talks about destruction of the body. You could use sky, lie, lye, try, die, dye, cry, frie, my, bye or buy or by, sigh, hi, eye, fly, guy, high, etc. There is quite a bit which rhymes with dry, and very few of those would need to use the same sort of broken english. You don't have to use the same consonant and vowel sound btw, it's called a slant rhyme when you use something like dry and dye where the consonant sound changes. It still works as a rhyme.
The other one that did not work well for me was "Where every being finds ways to fend" first off "finds ways" feels full in the mouth, maybe just one of those s at the end. finds a way or finds the way or something. But I think it needs to change anyway because fend should have something after it like fend off, or fend from or fend with. It's one of those verbs that needs a direct object and right now it's missing. So let's look at the rhyme replacement program again! End is our main word, and the feeling of the stanza is to get over that final push, that final barricade. send, sent, bend, lend, trend, dent, obviously the ones with T are more slant rhymes, but they still work. let's see what else I can come up with. offend, friend, head, intend, tend, mend, if you want to unmend society and use a newish word, pend, pretend, rend, rent, wind* probably my accent, extend, and that's about it.
So yeah, if you get those rhymes out of there and fix them, this will be a really good lyrical poem.
Hey Aley!
Thanks for the review! I agree that the structuring of sentences makes them a bit awkward, especially the fend line. I was personally not very satisfied by it and was looking to get some constructive criticism for that. I'll be trying for changing the word/sentence without the loss of the message that I want to convey.
As for out the bones pry. I don't know but I like that line too much and it kind of sounds good while reciting. Maybe it's got to do with the way I read or voice modulation. So that's staying there. Poet's rights
-rohan
Yo Rohan, so I’m new here at YWS and I have to say that’s was incredible. I write poetry myself but your words spoke to me. I felt it in my heart. the words so clear and cunning. I absolutely loved it, keep up the good work! - Kate
Thanks Kate!
I'm glad you liked it.
*Descriptions aren't mandatory.
Didn't let me publish it without it though :/
Hmmm. Well most people just put --- or something of the sort.
Where's the fun in that
Hello there Rohan !!
This is Eros here with a review for you !!
I should really say, it is an AWESOME poetry. Loved the rhyming scheme from my heart... abba...
It is very difficult to write a poem in a rhyming scheme Without disturbing the meaning the of the poem. I loved the style very much.
I loved the choice of set of the words that you have used here. The language you have used is also very easy to understand and that makes the ideas reach upto the readers. I loved it.
I loved the presentation of the poem vetry much.
The flow of the poem is also very smooth and good. The way you have described everything is also very superb.
The title of the poem is apt, appropriate and suits the poem very well.
The title was catchy too... Lol that's why I am here reviewing this poetry.
Overall, it was a great work.
Keep writing such awesome works and we will keep reading them ands reviewing them.
Thanks Eros for the wonderful words! I am glad you liked it.
You can read/review a couple of poetries that I have put on YWS earlier.
-rohan
Yeah, sure !