As you make your way slowly, gently
past my façade, my heart takes flight like
a thousand paper birds on wings too frail
to carry anything but fleeting hopes.
You capture one in your hands, hold it;
Kiss it on its head and release it
to soar now, on wings of flesh and bone, more
real than the lofty paper patterns of before.
It leads me, running, rushing to you
and clings, a constant presence, to me.
You fold me in your arms for the first time
and that bird sings louder than any has before
I promise to never clip its wings.
I promise to never cast it off.
I promise to have faith in every
paper bird with strength enough to lift off and fly
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Hi there,
I really liked this one. I thought it was really well executed and well written again. I love the imagery you used and some of the words were really well integrated into the poem.
The idea of 'paper birds' is quite a powerfully beautiful one, as it demonstrated how fragile these creatures are, being made to fly into the world on their own. The idea that this person touched your heart and it turned your paper birds into real flesh and bone is a wonderful metaphor. It's like you were fragile and scared to love, but someone gave you hope and let you take flight.
It's a really well written poem, and plays on your extended metaphor of love being the healer and hope to all.
Keep writing, I think you've got some really good talent for it,
H.L.P
I'm going to attempt to find something to nitpick at, but I don't think I'll be very successful, because this is really...beautiful.
Yeah, I can't find anything.
I'll just compliment you. :3
I really like this poem because it's got kind of a story.
Er, to me it does.
And it's just well written.
I'm really sorry, I can't find any of my words.
Anyways, I'd have to say that my most favorite would be:
"You fold me in your arms for the first time
and that bird sings louder than any has before
I promise to never clip its wings.
I promise to never cast it off.
I promise to have faith in every
paper bird with strength enough to lift off and fly"
It's really just perfect to me.
I enjoyed reading this.
Thank you for sharing!
I can't wait to read more of your work.
Thank you so much, I'm glad that I can get the underlying story through to others. It really does to me, and I'm excited to be able to share that.
Hey! XD Me here to review. Here we go.
Point1: Love the title.
As you make your way slowly, gently – good use of adverbs here, makes the piece literally ‘flow’ with action.
past my façade, my heart takes flight like - this is pretty language, the use of ‘facade’ works well here.
a thousand paper birds on wings too frail – great imagery, really clear in the reader’s mind.
to carry anything but fleeting hopes – verging on cliché, but I like the idea again of hope being something intangible.
You capture one in your hands, hold it; - you seem to be comparing hope to a bird? This seems a little bit unclear at this point.
Kiss it on it's head and relese it – it should be ‘its’ and ‘realease.’
to soar now, on wings of flesh and blood, more – why flesh and blood? This description doesn’t really seem to fit with the idea of birds and hope and new life, more like death. I would use different vocabulary here. XD
real than the lofty paper patterns of before – the enjambment here makes the line rather difficult to read I found, however, the alliteration is good.
It leads me, running, rushing to you – loads of ‘ing’ endings which make good indicators of the using ensuing action, good job.
and clings, a constant presence, to me. – bit unclear again. Is the person running? Or the paper? And what is clinging?
You fold me in your arms for the first time – back to the paper again. So now it seems like the person is the paper.
and that bird sings louder than any has before – good use of structure in this clause.
I promise to never clip its wings. – beginning the use of repetition increases dramatic effect, nice idea.
I promise to never cast it off. – not cliché, me likey.
I promise to have faith in every – again the running lines with no punctuation are a little awkward to read.
paper bird with strength enough to lift off and fly – I love the fact there is such a strong, relatable moral here. Very good work.
Good night, Rhiasofia! The name's Storm, and I'll be doing a quick review for ya! Let's get started.
Love it!
Wow. Just wow. The imagery and symbolism in this is spectacularly beautiful. O_O I'm actually timid to point out the few mistakes I noticed, but it must be done. I've italicized your original writing, then commented to the side.
Kiss it on it's head and relese it... Instead of the contraction for "it is" here, the possessive usage, "its", makes more sense. Also, the word "release" is misspelled, but you probably just accidentally skipped over that tiny error.
I promise to have faith in every
paper bird with strength enough to lift off and fly Rhia, this ending is so gorgeous in so many ways. You've done a marvelous job!
my heart takes flight like
a thousand paper birds on wings too frail
to carry anything but fleeting hopes This is my favorite line; the way you describe your feelings appeals to me.
I know these are mostly complimentary comments, but I don't have much to criticize! Beautiful work once again, Rhia, and I expect more poetry from you in the future. So as always: write on!
---Storm