What would you do
with your last breath?
Would you use it to
send me reeling away,
push me far from you,
so when the darkness comes down
you are alone?
Or with your last
would you attempt
to pull me closer,
into your arms?
I'd hold you and whisper Our words,
so when the darkness comes down,
you'll remember.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Hey rhiasofia, Sublte here for a review. You've got a nice concept here, of two different possibilities of a last breath. Is also an interesting concept too. But I would say that this poem is good, but not great. I know I'm being a bit harsh, but I feel that even though you've got some good concepts in there. Your language is a bit flat. I know poetry isn't always about flouncy language and rhymes and alliteration, but this poem lacks a voice, your voice. Try adding in just a bit more figurative language and try putting more personality into it.
Also one nitpick:
Capitalization is only used when describe proper nouns, names or a specific event, location or person. If the ‘our’ is any of the above, than I apologize.
However, I do like your ending. It corresponds nicely with the first stanza and ties up the poem effectively. Overall, good job! Best of luck in your future writing and I’m sorry if I was too harsh. But you have potential, you really do. So good luck!
-S.s
Hello there!
I liked the concept you made here. Although it is simple, the effect is more than what is seen. You give two possibilities, maybe even two different options. Last breath here may have a very broad meanings or understanding. It can be represented as a difficult situation, turmoil and others interpretations that can be made.
I have no problem with the first stanza, for me it's perfect. But the second stanza seems less convincing, unlike the first stanza.
It's too easy, even less impact on the reader in terms of the meaning to be delivered. If you give something that can make the reader stunned and think for a moment, your poem will be more interesting to read.
suggestion
Try playing with some figurative language. It may not be easy, but you can learn from it slowly.
Never be afraid to do experiment on your own poem!
Overall, like what I say, I enjoyed reading your poem and I hope to see more poems from you soon.
Keep writing!
This is nice.
It's not anything over the top, but I don't think it needs to be. I like that you took the line,
"so when the darkness comes down,"
and put it in the bottom stanza as well, to help tie it all together. I also like that your talking about enduring love, until the last, and not just what everyone associates love with, meaning the fireworks and the emotions and blah blah blah. You're words are true to life, and it makes the poem worth it.
Thank you rhiasofia!
Thank you!