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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
This is quite a dramatic stanza. Good job
Once again, very dramatic. I like the way you are rhyming and putting words togeather.
This one is cool. Although I think that the line ending in "bags" kind of takes away from the stanza.
This is a pretty good ending to the "story", but I also feel as though it ends to quickly. Like it needs something else....
Overall, this is a very good poem. It has good emotion and depth, it is colorful yet dark.
Good work!
~Rainn
Why thank ya, and yes the ending was rushed but it was all I could think of at the time, but I'll try to work on it!
Hello, a few things here:
-I'm unsure if the statement in parentheses is part of the poem or not. If it is, I don't really see how is has to do with the poem.
-The first stanza is a little hazy, but not necessarily to the point of not knowing what is going on. You set the tone well here.
I suppose I'm not sure what the weak drawing smoke for heaven means. All I can think of is some drug reference to crack or something. So maybe be a little more clear, maybe on who the weak are. I might just be missing something.
Since it's the infinitive form "to lay" should really be "to lie" to that doesn't fit the rhyme. "Lay" is the past tense form of "lie", so if you made it past tense it would work. I like the image of the dumpster and backdoor. It's makes me think of this dirty rusty backworld. I'm not so sure of the last line with the rats. Maybe leave out the dogs because you're making an unclear image.
So okay, you have this moral message in man being a disgrace with this dead body he's found. You have good imagery, but I'm left wondering what exactly you are trying to tell us. Of course, murder is wrong, humans can be terrible, blood and gore, etc. Yet the message doesn't convey anything more, it is just these general ideas that are pretty well known and explored.
Okay, another bit of horror here: rats eating a body. Grotesque, in a literary sense. It's a good image, but you don't do much with it. Just kind of state it is "vile", which I don't find to be a particularly strong adjective. And the word "defiled" to me should not be used in this case. Unless you establish some sort of sacredness, then the term isn't quite appropriate to the situation.
-In the end the whole poem has this sort of moral message, but it's not clear. We don't necessarily have to know the events that lead up to this discovery--it's more of a snapshot in time--but I still think we can get more details about the depravity. Maybe just give us a little more to work with in terms of an overall message you want to convey to us.
Lol i put trigger warning because it had to to with a rape victim (hence defiled) but thanks for this
Hey reowine,
This is Zephion, here to review this awesome poem. First, you misspelled "perhaps" in the first line, not a big deal, you should just probably fix it. You also mispelled "crinkle" in the first line of the last stanza (I'm not sure if that's actually a word, but that's how I've always spelled it". Other than those little nitpicks, I couldn't really think of much else to change. This is a great poem, I especially like the title. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
Zephion
thank you! Haha I'll fix em!