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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi Reowine
I'm so glad that this isn't as long as some of the massive things I've read today! But you still manage to communicate a lot
To me, this poem sounds like it's portraying the harsh climate of Africa or a similar continent that is developing, because you use words that are very much associated with heat and burning. (please correct me if I'm wrong)
I love your use of more obscure words and higher level language, but you still manage to communicate a clear message. To me, it appears you are writing about the fact that so many young children die, and that "They do not part with reluctance, as this process is accepted." This is an example of a beautiful statement with many levels of meaning, and I like the fact that you then move on to talk about how this space left by the child is soon replenished as it emphasises the way that deaths of children are mourned, yes, but not to the degree that they in some countries. (again, this is just my interpretation and may not be right!)
You have a very melancholy mood throughout, and I have to say, this is a beautiful poem full of sorrow, and the title gives the impression that they are happy to go. That they are happy to leave this world.
And that is saddening, but how you have captured it makes it almost relieving.
Well done, and just wow.
-BilbosToes
Hiya. I'm Guineapiggirl and I'm going to do my best to review this!
Before I start, welcome to YWS! I hope you're liking it so far.
Now for my review.
I have read through this poem four, five times, and I still can't understand half of what you're saying. I have searched define _________ for most of the words into Google and it is still very confusing. Quite honestly, without the title I would have had no idea whatsoever what you're going on about. And I don't think that's just me being thick.
Do you really need to be this complicated? And is this really how you naturally write, with all of these confusing words? Personally i think it would flow much better and be a better poem and be more enjoyable if we could actually understand what you're on about.
There are some lines where you've got it right with the fancy language:
Their tender skin not yet a burning sandstone.
This is just some really nice imagery, the sort of thing you should be using to make your writing fancy.
Their brittle bodies deteriorate into charred clay.
I like the bit with the charred clay.
I totally don't understand what on earth the last line means. Or what point you're trying to make.
I think basically what I'm trying to say is that you're trying too hard. Poetry should just be what comes out of you, and this whole piece feels sort of forced and over constructed and complicated.
Reowine,
but the rest of that line just rings a bit clunky for me. The "emergence of a renewed cycle" doesn't seem natural to me. I think the beauty of poetry is that we can get these complex and abstract ideas using everyday, conversational language. And by sticking to everyday/conversational, you get to develop your voice and "poet" a full range of octaves, if that makes any sense. But this kind of vocabulary -emergence/renewedcycle, reads more like a text book, and I don't know if that goes so well with what you're trying to do here, especially not after starting with something like nature, which will always evoke a rawness and an inherent beauty or tenderness. So yeah, I'd say get rid of the clunk-vocab, and really try to express a more natural tone (?) You'll find this way is more fun to write too c:
Hello there, Reo. It's good to meet you and see something of yours posted! I'm Audy and I just wanted to welcome you to YWS and also hoping that you're enjoying your time with us c: Stick with us, and you'll find your writing will improve by leaps and bounds. But enough introductions, let's get right into this piece shall we?
I think there's a lot of promise in this piece. I like how you begin with the papaya leaves, and I wonder at the significance of the fact that the leaves are painted? I've never really heard of that, so I wonder if that's some kind of cultural thing or an art-class thing, I'm not sure
I find the same sort of setbacks, just throughout this piece. It's almost like you took a thesaurus and just dumped words onto it without taking care of what each word meant. The sandstone was a nice touch, but when you get to bodies deteriorate, that word just kills all sense of flow. And the crisp, fragile sculptures - it doesn't really do much for me, are we still talking about the leaves?
what does this really mean? As of now, the poem just seems inaccessible. I can't make out the meanings, because it seems jumbled and random. I would like to see you try this again in your own voice. Be as clear as you want to be. Poetry does not have to be abstract or use big words or have big ideas to be good. So long as it's true to you and your experiences, then you've got yourself a poem worth writing about.
~ as always, Audy
Hi reowine! You're still fairly new, so welcome to YWS! You have some lovely images here, and it's an interesting take on a commonly discussed topic.
I'm not sure "papaya" is a good comparison here. Papaya makes me think of a tropical climate, and this piece clearly takes place in a temperate zone, so it throws me off. I like the sandstone metaphor though.
The word "aridity" bothers me here. In my experience, winter is not usually a dry season, plus it just sounds awkward.
I feel like these two line are not separate sentences. In fact, I just noticed you have a period at the end of every line. It's not grammatically correct and does nothing for the piece, so I suggest you re-punctuate as you would in prose.
I love the image of the first line here, but "deteriorate" does not flow well. I might suggest more related verbs, like "decay", "weather","decompose". I also don't think the double adjectives in the second line add much. I might keep "crisp" and cut "fragile", since you just said they were brittle. Or even use a different adjective, like "fragmented" (since the leaves have now broken down).
The first line is odd, as you haven't personified the leaves until now. It also doesn't flow right. I'd suggest "They leave freely, accepting nature's process" or something like that. I also didn't like the sudden shift from fall to spring. The idea works, but a transition would be nice. E.g. "accepting nature's process,/so that when cold recedes, there is room for new life". I also didn't like the work "brood", as it makes me think of animals or big families, neither of which fit here.
Overall, I really enjoyed this spin on the changing seasons. I think some different word choices and punctuation would improve it though. Keep writing!
Hello Reowine! Dogs here with your review today. Ok so I think you have a good piece shaping up here and I like how it's looking. I like the idea your driving at here and you use good vocab. Although some things that your missing here is some wonderful imagery. I want to see what the Papaya painted leaves look like before and after the cold aridity.
On a separate note I noticed that your lines seem a little too long for my tastes. Of course as a poet the length of your lines is up to you, but I would suggest that you shorten them up, or you could cut them into two different lines. It helps the flow and the rhythm become a little smoother and easier to read.
Secondly, in the second line of the first stanza, you say: "Their tender skin not yet a burning sandstone" I'm not sure what your driving at with this line, it doesn't really make that much sense to me as I read over it. If your metaphors and similes confuse the reader that should be a red flag that you need to do some editing.
Also, I would advice to avoid starting lines with "but" unless it is following a comma, but you can get away with it in poetry. Although again I'm not quite getting the imagery of dry and cold. When I think of cold, I think of ice and frozen. When I think of Dry, I think of desert and blazing heat. Your contrasting images create a muddled picture in the readers head, so maybe you could clarify that to create a clearer image. Are you trying to create extreme heat or intense cold?
"Their brittle bodies deteriorate into charred clay"
I really love this line, except the "charred clay" part of it. This line is almost perfect, charred means blackened or burned, which doesn't really make sense to me in the picture you're trying to create.
The last two lines are great and not so great at the same time. I really love the imagery your putting across and it's a great point that you make clearly, however, the word choice is poor and throws off the rhythm. Almost always in poetry try to make "do not" into "don't" unless you need that extra syllable to help out the rhythm. Also, try subsituting a shorter word in for "reluctance," I also am not a huge fan of the use of the word "accepted," maybe try "expected" or "embraced," I'm not sure why but "accepted" just makes it difficult for me to read.
I do like the last line though, I don't think there is much for your to change there. All and all this is a good piece, just needing a few things to touch up on. Gimmi a PM if you need any help on anything else. Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh