When the thin grey smoke smothered the mountain,
And water slid down her as a fountain
*
She appeared from a circle of black
A hole in the mountain's heart
*
At the force of the wind her hair was tumbling,
And the mountain shuddered as though it were rumbling
*
Then from the depths of the deepest evil,
Came the roar of the Mountain King
*
She knew what was to become of her,
As the monster inside began to stir
*
So when a knife - filled mouth opened it's doors
And the glow of heaven was seen,
*
She opened her heart and began to sing,
That song, the song of the Mountain King.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Well, I think that awesome would be an understatement. Dragons and awesomeness. Change nothing, it's perfect.
So anyway, it's amazing. You sweaty bum cake
Thanks, burninhell
I very much enjoyed this poem since I am a fan of the Hobbit book and the movies. I found this to be a very entertaining read. This is pretty amazing how you personified the mountain and dubbed it a 'she'. What really caught me was the title which I thought it was a great attention grabber from the start. My favorite stanza would have to be the last bit
"So when a knife - filled mouth opened it's doors
And the glow of heaven was seen,
*
She opened her heart and began to sing,
That song, the song of the Mountain King."
That was a very great stanza and it caught my creative mind and I hope to see more work like this. You did a very excellent job
Thank you!
Oh wow, I really love this poem. I haven't read the book but I watched the movie and I was interested in watching it because its connected to the Lord of the Ring series. I know the Hobbit is the event happening before the Lord of the Ring ^^.
I imagine the tone of this poem, its like the old man dwarf (I'm sorry don't remember his name but he is one of the twelve travelers in the journey) was telling the story of what the dwarf kingdom looks like or how it destroyed their land by the monsters and all that
Seriously I love it! And you can make this into a novel cause I feel like its lacking like I need more. Like I want you to continue this poem cause its so good that I want to know what happen in this poem. Very interesting poem
Thank you very much
Hey! Rachelle here for a review. First of all, I have to say, once I read that it was about the Hobbit I was like "Omigosh I need to read this"
As for suggestions, make it longer. It threw me off for a second when the first part until mentioning the mountain king had eight lines and the second only had six. Just put in two more lines and it will be perfect. Next, I don't think it would be bad if you mentioned a misty mountain. Because the minute I saw the poem I sang "Far over the misty mountains cold. To dungeons deep..." and on and on. You could totally put in a line from there and I think it would be fine. But I am not a copyright expert. A friend of mine sells t shirts that have famous lines from 90's shows on them, so that is why I say it would be fine.
Great job! I enjoyed reading this poem!
Rachelle
Thanks for the review!
OK, I love the imagery here, and immediately when I saw this was partly inspired by The Hobbit, I had to read this. On the whole, I liked the personification throughout. The rhythm of the poem was a bit unsteady in some places.
I thought maybe here it should have been "And water slid down her like a fountain". I understand what you are trying to imply here (that she is a fountain and the water slides down her) but the phrase "as a fountain" towards the end of the line makes it seem like a fragmented sentence.
I feel as though maybe you could add a better descriptive word rather than "circle"... maybe change the phrase to "She appeared from the abyss"? I suggest this only because I noticed that you left this stanza without rhyme.
I would suggest "With the force of the wind her hair was tumbling, and the mountain shuddered a hollow drum rumbling" or something of the sorts. There are suggestions for the flow of the poem. It's up to you how you take my advice. I love the rest of the word choice though. Good work!
Thanks for the review!
Mountain King-Love it!!
Thank you Haitianami!