I know a place,
Where the heart still grows,
And the wind just blows,
To you.
I know a place,
Where the trees they sigh,
And the sun never dies,
For you.
I know a place,
Where the stars they shine,
And my heart aligns,
With you.
I know a place,
Where the storms they rage,
And though I know I'm brave,
There's you.
I know a place,
Sometimes it's hard to trace,
But I picture that face,
It's you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Jay Reatard?
what?
Aha, well, I'm not usually a fan of romantic poetry, but this one was really good. My fav. stanza is the second one. Just one thing: When you write "my heart aligns with you", shouldnt it be "with YOURS?" Just wondering.
Otherwise, it's really neat! I like the title as well. Never stop writing.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Thank you Mystical! I'll look over it again, though I used 'you' instead of 'yours' because I was talking about the lover, not their heart.
Hello @priceofwords ! It's @Sylar here from the Earth Benders to review your poem on this fine review day
I just thought the last line was a little funky. The heart grows to you? That confused me a bit.
Another beautiful little stanza. I think it's really nice aside from line two. It stops the flow and was weird while reading.I'm going to review by stanza (or each time you repeat "I know a place".)
[quoteI know a place,
Where the heart still grows,
And the wind just blows,
To you.[/quote] I just know this poem will be adorable already
OHMYGODSOCUTE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS!
This was a little weird. The last two lines stop the flow.
Perfect closing.
Aside from that, this was a lovely little poem and I'm very glad to have read it. If you just fix up this little things, this will be an even better poem!
Really adorable job @priceofwords !
This was a cute little poem.
I like the idea of it, and it made me go “awhhh” :3
A few technical things:
I think “still” is a weird word to use here. If you’re using it as “it continues to grow,” that’s one thing, and I’m just being crazy. But I’m reading it as “heart grows still” as in it ceases its movement. If you’re using it that way, just put “grows still” and don’t worry about the rhyme. Like I said in a previous review for you, you don’t need rhymes. Again, I might just be crazy and you’re using it as the first way.
Why would the sun ever die for you? And if it was dying for you, wouldn’t that be a good thing? I mean, dying is a big sacrifice, it better be dying for a good reason. Maybe you’re trying to say “and the sun never dies on you” as in “DON’T DIE ON ME MAN, I NEED YOUUU!” in action movies. But that might read weird, so maybe you actually mean to say something completely different, but you’re being held back by your cutesy little pattern. Don’t restrain yourself, man. Say what you want to say. This goes for rhymes too. Just don’t make it uneven. Make it completely free verse if you want. Also watch out for this kind of thing when you say “There’s you.” I feel like there you’re trying to say, “even though I’m brave, if I actually am scared by this storm, at least you’ll be there.” However, this isn’t communicated in your poem. That’s also basically the problem with the “for you” part.
And
Ugh I hate this but it is technically permissible by the English language. You’ll sound like Yoda though. However, you do need a comma before “they” in both instances to make it correct or even legible.
This line feels out of place. All the other lines in that “second” slot was basically “where the ______ (does) _______.” Plus, this disrupts the rhythm that you had which was basically do do DO do DO.
I think all my qualms with this were technical. I like the concept, even though it’s pretty cliché. It’s nice to read a reassuring poem once in a while, even if it is cliché. Again, watch out for those clichés. They WILL get you.
The ending was adorable. <3
Well, always keep writing!
~fortis
I personally love the flow of this poem and the way you've lined it up. I think it's pretty perfect in that sense.
It would definitely make sense to break this up into stanzas after every line ending with 'for you' 'to you' etc.
But, at the same time...I dunno, I kind of like it as all one stanza, which is strange. I usually like it broken up.
Though there are countless poems and sonnets and songs here on YWS on this subject, I like the fact that yours is a bit more open and leaves imaginative space for the reader to insert their 'special' one in the gaps.
You bring something different, which I like.
That's all for now! Anticipating more
Thanks so much, and as I mentioned before it was meant to be broken up into stanzas but it turned out to be set out all as one thing
So I just had a little gripe when I was reading a review of this poem... poetry doesn't really have rules. Some of the greatest writers break rules to make their work stand out. I understand grammatical errors needing to be fixed in poetry, but that is not the case here. Following the sentence and only capitalising at the beginnings of sentences is not a prerequisite. I think rules are made to be broken, especially in poetry! All the better to get emotions across, right? (; Okay, that's enough ranting.
-Speaking of getting emotions across, I think you could do a better job of clarifying it.
-Other reviewers were saying that you shouldn't capitalise every line just to do so, and I agree, just to do so is not the right reason to capitalise. To be honest, I think this poem would work really well if there were no capitalisation and if it were split into stanzas.
-You... there's a good way to use it to include the reader in the piece, but this makes the reader a little vulnerable especially in this piece. Perhaps it would be better to say it's with "him" or "her," but just not the reader itself unless you are giving this to someone.
-I think it's a little difficult to write about love in a way that isn't cliched, but I think this is pretty good!
So... Keep writing! Thanks for sharing!
the grey reality
Thanks for the review, I always appreciate feedback on my work.
I am going to improve in terms of capitalisation. About the stanza thing, I had originally put it in to stanzas when I typed it out but for some reason it hasn't come out that way. And I guess using the word 'you' does make the person vulnerable, but I guess that's kind of the point. Love does make people vulnerable in many different ways and I used 'you' a lot to get this point across to the reader. Thanks again for the review!
Oh, that makes more sense... YWS is weird that way.. when i hit enter, I add a couple spaces to the blank line or put a * or ~ place holder because YWS removes empty lines
Thanks for the advice - I'll definitely do that next time!
Hello, priceofwords! I'm wisegirl22, and I'm here for you!
I can't believe this. You're amazing at poetry and your choice of words makes it stand out even more. I can't believe it. I have just one tiny thing to comment on. Poems are basically sentences that are broken up into lines, or, they have a rhyme scheme, right? Well, if they are just sentences, they shouldn't be capitalized the way they are. You should make them an actual sentence, with capitalizations where they should be. Every line shouldn't be capitalized.
And that's all! I could only find one thing, and it's not even major. I really think you're one of the best poets I've seen online. I'm speechless. Keep writing and flaunting your fantastic talent!
-wisegirl22
Hey, yo, priceofwords! Strangelove here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
Alright, I'm going to be straight forward and blunt. This doesn't sound right. I've read this three times and I have been reading it out loud to find out the message. You use repetition to deliver the message of "you are my love". That message wasn't really apparent until the last 'stanza' but you didn't. Sure, on some poems this technique works, but only because they are fluent about it. They lay it in the poem subtly and let it lie. I don't like the constant second person in my face. The message is near being shoved down my throat. Not only that, but as a constant poetry reviewer, I've seen this so many times. There isn't nothing that new. It's just the same old same old I always see. It does have potential to be a good poem, don't get me wrong, but the idea is forced.
A lot of reviewers say "always capitalize when you hit space". Don't do that. It makes it choppy in a bad way and it, once again, feels forced. If you were to lower case it after commas and breaks that don't have a period it would flow fluently. It'll be like a river down stream. It'll be an easy ride. Treat poetry like a boat ride. It's nice if there isn't any bumps or anything. But when the water is choppy, it's choppy and you're in for a not so good time.
Once again, this isn't a bad poem. It could be worked on.
Good job,
keep writing,
stay groovy.
This is such a sweet poem and it makes me smile.
There's so much emotion and that really shows that you have talent.
For the most part the entire thing flowed very smoothly, the only rough part I wound was
"I know a place,
Sometimes it's hard to trace,"
It wasn't bad in any way I only found it to be the weakest part of your poem (and if that's the weakest you know you've done good)
So happy review day and make sure to stay awesome!
-Carmenblue
Thanks for the review
Wow, I love this poem. I love it and how it flows so perfectly. Your rhythm is pretty smooth, the progress is consistent. I love the title and how you rhymed everything. The rhyming is my favorite, I find it hard to make poetry, let alone poetry that rhymes. I don't find anything wrong, your poem is exceptional and I can't wait to read more from you! Also, I've noticed that it's your first day here at YWS! Welcome! If you need any help with anything please feel free to ask anyone, or you could just go to the forums. I truly enjoyed reading your poem, I look forward to reading more from you. Until then, keep writing!
GrapeNerd
thank you!