The trees that cloak her cast shadow and shade,
Over the remains of a dry barren glade,
Where alone she stands, gnarled hands clutching,
And the wind teases her until she’s almost touching,
But the ashes of the Earth are torn from her grasp,
When the ink of her sorrows were crafted at last,
They swirl and twirl until she can’t see,
A cyclone of words in the life she leads,
Until one day she knew how to be,
She caught the words and set them free,
Her mind became pure and her heart became light,
Now she stands in the glade; wings spread to take flight.
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Hello!
I think the main problem with this is its rhyme. This has potential to use rhyme to its advantage (several poems with rhyme simply do not need rhyme, but this one could benefit from it, in my opinion). However, the rhymes that you have are very forced and awkward, and in some places don’t even make sense. For example:
Touching what? O.o
Be what? o.O
These are not perfect rhymes, which is what I think you were trying to deal with here.
Even though technically your pattern is the same, it feels like you’ve switched from AABB to CCCC as a pattern. It’s very uncomfortable to have two rhyming couplets with the same rhyme right next to each other.
My suggestion for the rhymes in the poem as a whole? Ditch the rhymes, figure out what you’re trying to say, then try to see if you could add the rhymes in more naturally. As of right now, they’re incredibly forced. If you can’t add them in, that’s okay. It’s more important for your poem to make sense than to have rhyme. And a poem without any rhymes at all is infinitely better than a poem with forced rhyme.
Now I don’t know if this stems from the rhyme issue, but I’m not sure what is even going on in the poem. I like the images you create, and you seem to have some really solid details, but I still don’t really get it.
Watch out for clichés. They’ll stab you in the back every time.
I think you need a comma after dry.
And in the first line, it’s confusing because I thought tha the trees were cloaking her “cast” no cloaking her (*breath*) casting a shadow… etc. You might think of having a line break there, or rearranging your sentence to clear up confusion.
Also, consider punctuating this like prose. You have commas at the end of every line, commas where you don’t need commas, commas where it would be better if you had ended the sentence… I think doing that also helps with clarity purposes.
And that’s all I have! Great job, This definitely has potential. I like the story and the images. Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
I love your blend of spiritual and natural elements in this piece!
I can't fault you on any word choice, I really like it all.
The only thing I'd say is maybe find places where you can eliminate commas between lines, it gets a bit repetitive to the eye.
I like the shape and format overall. You could break up the piece into smaller stanzas, even, if you wanted to.
There isn't much else I can say. I didn't find any spelling/grammatical/conventional error otherwise.
Great job! I look forward to reading more of your stuff here on YWS!
Hello, priceofwords! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!
What an amazing poem! You are so gifted at poetry! The word choice in this poem was so phenomenal and it gave so much imagery! I loved all the metaphors you used in this, too. Your meter was very strong and easy to follow. Your choice of rhymes was so perfect. You did not have any spelling, grammar, or capitalization errors. You really took the reader on a journey through this girl's thoughts and experiences in this poem.
The only thing I would change about this poem is your punctuation. Every line, except for the last, had a comma at the end of it. It is okay to use any type of punctuation in a poem and it really helps the poem a lot when you use the correct punctuation. I will go through each line of the poem and help you out with the type of punctuation that would be ideal. Feel free, of course, to use whatever type you think works better, just don't use a comma where it isn't needed.
Line 1-none
Line 2-comma
Line 3-comma
Line 4-period
Line 5-none
Line 6-period
Line 7-comma
Line 8-period
Line 9-comma
Line 10-period
Line 11-period or comma
Line 12-period
You definitely deserve a like for this piece! You are such an amazing poet!
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Thank you so much!
YES, HELLO, THIS POEM IS FANTASTIC.
Your poems are so good. I love reading them. I can't find anything wrong with your work so I expect this review to be very brief. The title, much like your other poem, is enticing and I love it. The rhyme and rhythm is smooth. The punctuation seems pretty good, no errors I can detect. I love the adjectives and just the way you worded everything. You are a fabulous poet and I really can't wait to read more from you. If you want anything reviewed, please let me know! Again, welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy your stay!
Keep writing,
GrapeNerd
Thank you