z

Young Writers Society


12+

Splinters In Perfect Glass

by priceofwords


A sheen of silvery mist,

Frittered away by

The wave of a fist.

A reflection etched in glass.

My child, sweet as nature's kiss.

*

With long blonde hair etched in gold,

Eyes touched with sweet green grass

And holding curses yet untold,

Snatching a story I cannot catch.

*

But no! Her shape the mirror changes

Smile wiped; her face to inflate

Her whole form stretched in stages

A sob escapes her bloated lips

My daughter, my child, cries for ages.

*

My tears, as always, follow hers

Once so slight, above me she towers

My fist connects; still I'm unheard.

Then the mirror splinters into shards,

Though her sobs remain undeterred.

*

Hands reached out, I call her name

The mirror shatters, glass scatters,

My tears red amid screams of pain.

Yet awake at last now I know,

The screams I uttered weren't mine to claim.

*

Eyes open; breath a shuddering gasp

Dread creeps in hard as iron

Her screams remain beyond my grasp

The door, the portal to her heart,

Yet upon crossing I can only rasp.

*

Her mirror; empty of glass

Shards of ice adorning her floor

Scarlet liquid running too fast

Her tears; pearls undiscovered.

Unaware of her beauty,

She lets them pass

*

Without a second thought.

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22 Reviews

Points: 1841
Reviews: 22

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 2:09 am
unluminescent wrote a review...



Hi Priceofwords! This piece is lovely, and I am humbled to review it. Here's my two cents:

I was immediately attracted to the poem because I, personally, struggle with self image and slight instances of body dysmorphia (but certainly not as severe as others).

With long blonde hair etched in gold,
Eyes touched with sweet green grass
And holding curses yet untold,
Snatching a story I cannot catch.

The description of the girl hit me right in my feels for two reasons: one, she is clearly a beautiful girl and it is terrible that she doesn't see her beauty when she looks in the mirror; two, she has similar features to myself (I have long blonde hair and hazel eyes). This hit me hard and made me tear up as I continued to read- so I want to commend you for your ability to evoke emotion through your writing, because that is truly an incredible thing to be able to do.

As I mentioned earlier, the beauty of the girl is a great thing to emphasize because it allows for heavy contrast regarding her body dysmorphia. Because of this, I would recommend even delving a little deeper into her beauty; perhaps try to tie in some of the girl's inner beauty? Like, saying she has a "heart of gold" or something of that nature. :)

Creating the narrator as the mother of the girl was an unforeseen touch that really added an intense emotion to the poem. I feel like that adds a whole new sense of personality to the poem. So, great job with that.

I love the simplicity of the poem's ending:
Without a second thought.

It wraps up the poem nicely and also implies that the girl will always suffer with body dysmorphia.

This poem was full of feeling and emotion, and I can't wait to read some more of your work.

-unluminescent




priceofwords says...


Thank you unluminescent sorry for such a late reply - I'll definitely consider the things you suggested! :)



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Points: 323
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Thu Oct 22, 2015 12:48 am
Thisismyaccount wrote a review...



Hi!
I just wanted to say that i love your poem. I can really relate to this work so i feel, in a way, connected to it.

I also really like your descriptive language. I feel like someone who doesn't feel insecure can still comprehend what the main character is going through. They may understand what the character is going through to an extent.

"With long blonde hair etched in gold,
Eyes touched with sweet green grass
And holding curses yet untold,
Snatching a story I cannot catch."

I like this part especially because is shows how beautiful the character is. Even though she cannot see it, it is illustrated that she is. This is important detail because people usually think that pretty people don't have self-esteem issues.




priceofwords says...


I'm really glad you could relate to it :)



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91 Reviews

Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Wed Oct 21, 2015 5:57 pm
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burninhell says...



Why hello there Priceofwords,
I came to this comment box to say that your poem is amazing.
Like seriously, amazing!
I don't think that I can word how much like this.
My favourite line was 'the mirror shatters, glass scatters' it's got a nice rhythm to it as well as adding some more of the imagery that you have created.
Seriously. I love it!
Carry on with this amazingness you sweatybumcake
Burninhell




priceofwords says...


Thanks burninhell ;)



burninhell says...


Anytime Pricey ;)




Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende