Chapter 8 - A Watchful Eye
Jonah hated his job. At the very least, that’s what he told everyone who asked. It really only involved keeping a watchful eye over the employees, Renjin in particular on the request of Risedo, and noting down any suspicious activity. It paid well, but the hours were long and often boring - he shared them with a young intern that he was occasionally teaching how to operate the technology of it all. However, in the past few days he had been fascinated by what was happening behind closed doors in the Anthill. He was sworn to secrecy, surely, and the amount of secrets he had heard in the past few days outmatched all others that he knew. For a while, he woke up in the morning with a sense of duty and slight excitement to go to work. He sometimes wasn't disrespectful towards his intern, too. He felt a sure sensation of turmoil approaching, the tension excited him, almost anything would after hours of watching dozens of screens without much action.
That day, there were to be many surprises, the first of which was that Renjin came into work a whole thirty minutes earlier. He looked like he took the time to look smart - when he took off his jacket, his shirt had a collar, and his hair brushed neatly aside. It didn't suit him as much, but made him look certainly more professional. The other surprise was that Judge Risedo, on the other hand, was very late. When he finally entered his office he looked completely drained of energy. He dragged himself across the room, and fell into his chair, sighing heavily. But, his sense of duty and pride had overcome his tiredness, and he managed to straighten himself, and look respectful. At that precise moment, a cheerful Renjin rushed in, and asked the judge whatever the matter was. Jonah leaned in to hear better, grabbing some cheese crackers whilst he listened. The judge replied he had been up all night, erasing all 'loose ends'. Renjin certainly didn't give the impression that he had understood what Risedo meant, but he would as soon as the detective entered. He smiled, took off his hat and commented on how happy he was that the three were re-united again. He then seated himself in the same seat as when he had first come to the Anthill, and revealed yet another haunting truth.
''Are you familiar with one Mr. Lurse?'', he asked.
Immediately, Jonah saw that Renjin had understood Risedo's words, and realised their importance. RJ sank into his own seat:
''Please don't tell me he's dead.''
Daniel nodded, looking away. Suddenly, the intern asked, dragging his chair closer to his mentor:
''Turn up the sound, I can barely hear anything. Why do they all look so stunned?''
''Well, for a start - a man's dead!'', Jonah snapped at him, but quickly gathered himself and continued in a calmer manner - ''You see, before the murder at the fountain, Renjin and Risedo were looking into the case of this Mr. Lurse. He's a bastard, I tell you - poisoned the water in the drinking fountains at a kindergarten, killed three and maimed another two.''
''Wasn't that the guy who was meant to be shot?'', the intern asked, staring obnoxiously at Jonah's face.
''Yeah. He faced the firing squad, but the guns malfunctioned. Odilia was a powerful woman, and she had many friends. Her friends were literally untouchable.''
The judge finally spoke, and Jonah instantly made a sign for the intern to be quiet. He suddenly wondered what Risedo and Renjin are to do. He did not know of the journalist's murder, but just with what he was hearing was enough to make him suspicious of the motives of the killer. Evidently, so was the detective.
''Who knew about Mr. Lurse's crime?''
''Only us. Not even the families of the children knew. We were going to tell them after the trial.'', Renjin replied, glancing nervously at Risedo.
''Why was the trial not public? Because of the Rholtaii?''
''We knew who the man was to Odilia. We tried to sentence him just like all the others, but...''
''The guns malfunctioned.'', the detective finished the sentence for him, rubbing his chin in thought.
''You know everything already, why ask? We were acting according the law.''
''You haven't done anything wrong.''
Daniel shook his head in support of his words, and announced that he will not be taking any kind of action against Renjin and Risedo. The two obviously were trying to steer Daniel away from the subject, especially after he had put forward his theory that whoever the new leader and killer is, he or she must be very familiar with the justice system, with the police at the very least. Jonah watched in silent hope that the detective wouldn't continue his theory to involve either of the two as culprits. However, as much as Jonah prayed for the detective not to say the words, he did:
''It does seem strange, you know. Renjin finds the body, the journalist that speaks to him dies, and now a man that you were trying to kill is finally dead. I am not one to jump to conclusion, but how can we possibly explain this?''
''We've talked about the killer's motive as revenge, didn't we? If the new leader wants to undo all that Odilia has done, it would be logical for the deaths of her friends to occur soon enough.'', Renjin replied, wonderfully managing to keep his tone calm.
''Nice one, RJ!'', Jonah exclaimed, excitedly watching their every move.
''That is very true, Renjin. But what about the journalist?''
''She knew that Odilia was actually dead, didn't she? When I spoke to her, she seemed to know the woman quite well, and know that the Rholtaii Leader had been pulling the strings behind the scenes for a while. Since the leader isn't surfacing, it's safe to assume he or she wants the public to keep thinking she's alive.''
A moment of silence ensued. Jonah was sitting at the edge of his seat, breathing loudly in agitation. The intern seemed more or less emotionless about what was going on - but after all, he didn't know for how long Renjin and Risedo had been trying to bring 'untouchable criminals' to justice. He couldn't possibly feel the same way Jonah was. The detective remained seated, thinking, glancing around the room. There was one question left in his mind which was that according to Renjin's theory, the killer did not want anyone to know Odilia was dead, however she was left out in the open in broad daylight. The thought still bothered him, and did not completely rule out Renjin as a suspect, but somehow the man did manage to convince him not to jump to conclusions. Moreover, the conversation they had at Anna's house ensured Renjin's partial trust towards him and lessened the tension of competition they had felt at first. Daniel did not want to cripple that trust and harmony between them... yet.
''You're right, Renjin, I can't possibly think of you or Risedo as suspects. Forgive me for seeming illogical. However, we do have to make sure that another murder does not happen.''
Renjin sighed, laying back in his seat. He put his head in his hands, and whispered:
''How? How are we meant to find a criminal we can't search for? How do we gather evidence if we can't bring in witnesses?''
His hands flopped helplessly on the armrests as he continued, now his voice growing more and more frustrated:
''If only the Rholtaii chose their leaders by a certain pattern, but they don't. There is absolutely no way of knowing their choice, neither to confront them about it. Two people are dead, and we don't even know where to begin!''
''I agree with you, Renjin. This is why I'm going outside my professional limits to help with anything I can. This is why even the state is concerned with the case!''
Risedo spoke firmly, forcing Renjin to back down, and give up any attempt at continuing to talk. Daniel slipped a phone from his pocket, and spoke himself, his gaze blank and unfocused.
''Something has gone wrong, gentlemen, from within the system. Someone has managed to wrap the rules of a centuries-old organisation around their finger. Who's to solve it but us?...''
End of chapter
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
I'm going to try and break down to the core of the problems I had.
1. I don't know or care about anyone in the story
To say this is a problem I had for not reading the previous chapters is a fair statement. In fact this is what I struggled with most at the beginning of the chapter. Thrust upon me were a handful of characters I knew nothing about. So I went back to the first chapter to see if I could find an emotional grounding point for these characters and their struggles. And then I went to the second chapter and wait what just happened. Which brings me to my more valid points.
2. We are never given a reason to actually hate the 'bad guys', or a 'bad guy' to root against.
I won't lie, this is pretty hard to explain. What we have is a handful of characters all working towards a goal of fighting crime. The crime they appear to be fighting is Odilla and Mr. Lurse. But both of those characters are killed. Ah, so we're looking at a story where vigilante crime is the real crime, yes? No? Maybe? Was the intent to make it wishy-washy shades-of-grey about who is good and bad? Am I meant to root for the revenge killer or the forces of justice? Right now the revenge killer is doing a damn good job at everything and the forces of justice are doing jack squat, waiting for the everything to come to them. And that's because they don't have anything to work with. They're left in a frustrating circle of nothing. Of going to a place and receiving no useful information. Of meeting a person and being told nothing of use. Of finding out someones death with no clues to show. And perhaps that is what is getting to me.
We follow RJ from the start. He's in the middle of everything. And I understand you are going with nice fair pacing as to not just drop us in on this criminal organisation and reveal everything about it. That's good. However we know nothing about the villain/bad-guy/antagonist. Are they trying to make RJ look bad? Are they just killing off people connected to Odilla? We don't know. We don't have a single identifying piece to this opponent of justice. Just his existence. This brings us to the shoulders of RJ, who's own personal struggle with the case must carry us. I say this because there is no suspense for me about the killers identity.
No one has really shown all that much contempt for RJ enough to target him. People have shown enthusiasm for Odilla/Lurse's downfall, but with all the focus on RJ we haven't had time to hear of the other characters not having an alibi or anything of that sort. The killer will be revealed whenever and with whatever motive. It leaves me following the story of RJ, a judge caught up in a murder mystery with links back to a criminal organisation (the murders do, not the judge). And we're watching how he deals with it and not really anything else.
Ultimately I just find myself apathetic.
Sorry?
Advice hum...
Keep track of where you last said everyone is, as that is the last place the reader knows. Draw a diagram if you need to, only adding each character to each location at each stage when you specifically say them. Daniel's appearance, for example, confused me, having no previous mention of his presence. He's just suddenly there, nodding and turning away.
Otherwise, best of luck with future chapters.
PS: My looks at the other chapters were not in depth, and I did like the direction you were taking it around 3/4. The hints of the group being involved were intriguing. However, ends like chapter 7 left me unimpressed.
Thanks for the thoughtful review!:) What do you mean in the very last line when you say the group was involved? Do you mean that the storyline is slowly binding the characters together?
Around the fourth chapter when you mentioned the Rholtaii I was interested in knowing what you had planned for that, but I don't feel like much progress was made in the following chapters in terms of plot which dampened my enthusiasm.
You have a lot of potential in the story. I guess its just a matter of seeing if its used.
Alright, I see. Thanks!
Hey there, I'm here, no need to fret. Ye GODS. I have avoided reviewing this for the longest amount of time merely because it just seemed so long and boring. I know that your writing type may not be one of action or sudden movement, but jeeze, lugging myself through this chapter has been one of the hardest things of my life. I've forced myself to read fanfiction where someone is, for lack of better words, head-screwed and it was much more entertaining than this - even if it made me nauseous. I'm going into this without knowing anything about your story.
Ahhh, but let the true pain commence (for you or me, I know not.)
My gosh. I have never been so absolutely exhausted by the opening of chapter as I was for this one. Well done. Either add something interesting to the actual font, like consider italicising it. Or, you know - adding something to it. A few extra words. A "really" in there somewhere would make it somewhat easier to down.
Who... who asks if someone hates their job? I don't imagine it turns up in normal conversation. This just doesn't happen:
"Oh, hey, John, how are ya?" asked Moe with a wriggle of his eyebrow.
"I'm fine, how about you, Moe?"
"Ahhh, I'm good," sighed Joe.
"How do feel about your current occupation?" John spat, all of the sudden.
Taken off-guard, Moe blinked and quickly bleated, "I hate it, mate."
No. No, it doesn't happen. Ok? Ok.
Bleh. I read this wrong. I shouldn't have. Your writing should be more clear. Something more along the lines of:
"It wasn't hard, really. All one had to do was keep a watchful eye over the employees and note down anything particularly suspicious, especially the activities of the twitchy handed Renjin. Riesdo had requested that in underlined and bolded font."
Of it all?! MY GOSH, HE CONTROLS THE MACHINATIONS OF THE UNIVERSE. Someone stop him for the sake of us all! Err, to clarify this point - take away those three words, or replace "all" with something relevant.
"He was sworn to secrecy, surely, and the amount of secrets he had heard in the past few days outmatched all others that he knew."
Outmatched is not the best word to use in the sentence. Place in something more sporting or intellectual. The ending of "that he knew" is tautology at it's finest. How would it be possible for him to know secrets that he didn't know? You're just repeating already known knowledge.
Hold your horses there, author-of-mine. THE TENSE CHANGED. Gosh, that's just painful. Read aloud your piece so that you'll hear all the inconsistencies. It helps and it makes your story all that less jarring.
What. I believe the only capable way of explaining my expression right now is a black and white picture of Jackie Chan holding his head in disbelief as his eyes are crumpled almost closed from utter incomprehension of the events taking place before him.
This sentence is all wrong. There's a clause in this that makes me feel like a lunatic. It sounds like you're saying that it's because he took his jacket off that his shirt had a collar and that his hair was brushed neatly. Like... taking off his jacket CAUSED these things to occur. Please rewrite.
Wait... what? When did they get into a court room? I'M SO LOST. WHO ARE YOU. WHERE AM I. ARGH!
WHO LOOKED DRAINED OF ENERGY? There's like fifty guys in this room right now.
*Drawn-out, muffled screech of dismay.* You changed the tense again.
Are these men proper gentlemen? All I can imagine in this moment in time is Renjin, a proper looking chap, turning to a wig-headed buddy-ol'pal and asking, "Whatever is the matter, dear fellow?"
Where in bejeesus did the crackers come from? IS HE A MAGICIAN. IS HE PUG IN DISGUISE? Oh my, I have to know more! (For future reference, either explain that there's a table with crackers on it in the room, or explain it as the man reaches for them.)
Bloody hell, I'm glad someone realised the importance of his words, because I sure as heck didn't - not for a lack of trying. Either make your writing more or less obscure, don't be a fence-sitter. I either want to read complete and utter insanity or structured and beautiful prose.
Daniel? A man by any other name would still confuse the hell out of me. WHO IS HE. WHY IS HE HERE. WHERE IS HERE.
BY SCIENCE, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE. Who is being watched? Who isn't? HOW ARE THEY BEING WATCHED.
Er. I'm not sure you can maim people with poison.
Where in the blazes did Jonah hop out from?
Your sentences literally do not piece together. It's like me saying, "Icecream is delicious. Chairs are hard." Also, THE GUNS MALFUNCTIONED? This is easily rectified. Fetch more guns. No way in hell would they put off an execution if guns were merely not working.
Did this happen earlier within the book or are you saying this happening now? Tch, I don't know.
Someone else, hopefully.
Overall Thoughts:
Writing -
Your writing type is odd. I'd almost be inclined to believe that English isn't your first language and that you've had this translated by someone else. Anyway, you need to work on showing us what's happening, not telling us. It's a common mistake made by many writers and I've done it on the occasion, but I do try to avoid it at all costs - unless I am trying to make a statement. This is not what you are doing. Work on your creative description more.
Grammar -
Your working of grammar is almost flawless, except when you write speech. Please pick up a fiction book and use that as an example. Otherwise, well done.
Characters -
What characters? You have so many littered about the place, I couldn't even tell who the main protagonist was. Is Jonah the main? Is Renjin? Is Risedo? On that matter, as Seeminglymeaningless pointed out, don't pick two names which read similar. It's hard to tell characters apart enough as it is without you giving them names that sound alike.
Plot -
Ok, from what I'm getting - the government is corrupted and people have died and somehow the Rholtaii are all behind it? Jonah is a... watcher? And he's watching these people talk? And they're talking about murders? Do you notice all these question marks? I shouldn't have any. This should be all clear to me as the light of day. By all means, work on your wording first and your plot should shine with the clarity of crystal by the time you're done.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael Linx.
Thanks a lot for your review, and you are right - English is not my first language. But I now see where I'm going wrong, so thanks for that!)
Hi Polinka, sorry for the delayed review, been busy with nonYWS stuff
But here I am, one of your three reviewers and on to your review.
As you said in your request, it may be hard for me to grasp just what is exactly happening in your novel, and I must admit, a contributing factor to the delay of this review was my reluctance to read your work. But no matter; as with all my reviews, I shall treat this as a book I've picked up from the shelves, opened at random and landed on this page. This is a common occurrence with many readers and it just goes to show that you can't just focus all your energies into making the first chapter fantastic; every chapter needs to have good pacing, likeable (or at least realistic) characters and a decent descriptive language.
I tend to review as I read; this should help you realise any problems a real reader will have when scanning your book, coin in hand, stroking their beard gently.
Order: You tend to word things weirdly. The third sentence threw me off completely.
This is how I read it:
Now of course this wasn't what you meant. You meant:
Or course my writing is deliberately upbeat (been reading too much Harry Potter, really) and not your style or genre at all. My point was, your basic syntax is fine (it's not like you said "A watchful eye involved keeping the a over employees") but you need to be careful that your sentences make sense.
Vagueness: I'm still in the first paragraph, and it's very vague. You talk about secrets, you squish all possible explanations of the technology into a few words "technology of it all", you hint at something that's going to happen... but to me (someone who hasn't read the first 7 chapters), all I'm getting is a sense of annoyance. If Jonah is a main character, and this story is written in his perspective, he shouldn't be talking about "secrets" in such an impersonal manner. Make your character three dimensional, prove to the reader that you've thought of his backstory, mention some of the secrets, or how the technology works. You don't have to go into great detail, but anything, any hint of what this place is, would put the reader's mind at ease.
Words and word usage: Now, people are entitled to their mistakes. I'm sure I've made a few already in this review. But if you're willing to share this story with reviewers, I think you should read over it carefully. For example:
Earlier than what? Earlier than whom? Did you mean "30 minutes early"? If so, you know what would make this character three dimensional? Include something of his nature in the first post, wherein he's mentioned and is noted that he is watched carefully by his supervisor. Lastly, you use a lot of fluff words. "That day", "there were to be many surprises", "the first of which" - could you have not just said, "But to Jonah's surprise, Renjin arrived thirty minutes early and wasn't even carrying the stuffed toy that normally accompanied him."
Linearity: o.o Renjin comes in 30 minutes early, Risedo comes in late... and then Renjin rushes in cheerfully? What's happened here? Did the story have a change of venue without the author noting it down?
Names: Names are, as you are most likely aware, very important. This isn't a rule you'll find anywhere, but it's something I stick by adamantly. Don't have similar named characters. If you have a Harry, don't have a Harold. If you have an Aaron, don't have an Adrian. If you have a Jane, don't have a Jaz. Whilst "Risedo" and "Renjin" sound nothing alike, they are still too similar. Think of how much more distinct Renjin would be from Risedo if he was "Jenrin", or if Risedo was "Siredo". This is particularly confusing later on. You suddenly call Renjin "RJ" without introducing us to his nickname. Additionally, the other character is "Judge Risedo" = JR. Unless this is some sort of intentional word play, I would advise changing your characters names.
Punctuation in dialogue: This may just be a typo on your behalf, but:
should be:
"He said", "He thought": Normally this kind of description is fine. Not when there are 3+ males in the room, however. Initially I thought Risedo's first name was Daniel. Later I figured out Daniel was a new person. He was just suddenly there, speaking. Was he in the room prior? Did he come in with Renjin? What's going on?
Dialogue: "I'm terribly afraid to say that I do not find your character interactions to be realistic." Jhoi paused to inhale a deep lungful of smoke from her wooden pip, "It seems as if they have had many minutes to prepare their very next words and also talk uninterrupted for a lengthy time." She walked carefully across the room, counting the number of steps, her monocle-clad eye enlargened and staring. The girl looked up through the fourth wall, "Not only that, but I dare say their language is quite stifled and stately, not at all like common dialogue; their words almost seem... scripted... as if someone wrote them their lines... word by word..."
Pace: The flow of this chapter is all over the place. First you talk about Jonah having to supervise Renjin; very mundane, pretty boring. Suddenly you launch into an important meeting of very stiff talking people + a disembodied voice from nowhere (Daniel). Then you end it with the bunch of people recapping what they already know and deducing they'll need to figure out what they don't know. While this may sound alright in theory, think of what you could have written about instead. Instead of starting off the chapter talking about inconsequentials (will you ever mention any of that stuff later?), why not start right at the heart of it? Or change the events? If Renjin was at the place where the person was murdered, maybe you can start with someone bailing Renjin out of jail.
So, in general:
- Make your story a little more exciting. It seems your story is somewhat like a Sherlock Holmes/Miss Marple crime-solving detective book, and that's fine. But people of today are more likely to appreciate a faster paced novel.
- Your dialogue is unrealistic. I felt like I was in a movie adaptation of Cluedo, and I expected one of them to eventually say something like, "It was Renjin in the Drawing Room with the Axe!"
- Remember you're writing this for your readers, not yourself. So you have to make sure you include everything that you know. This covers things like introducing Daniel to the scene instead of just having him suddenly there. And ideally making sure we know who's point of view this chapter/story is written in. All the characters seemed to be the same person, so I couldn't tell anyone apart by what they were saying at all.
Good luck with your work, and I hope this review has helped you.
- jhoi
Hey there!
I missed out quite a few chapters of this, so there's bound to be some things I don't understand. But since I've a little understanding so far, I'll try my best to review!
I can see how the plot is unfolding right now! As you're talking about the Rholtaii I can see that the enemy is slowly surfacing. This seems more of a mystery novel than a thriller which I had first expected. It's certainly becoming more exciting than earlier chapters, and I can see the pressure building on even Risedo, who is normally a very calm person.
I can't really say very much about this, but I would certainly hope the pace would be faster here, since it's a mystery novel. Many writers have a habit of over describing at certain parts. Include only what is important to the plot of the story and exclude the rest. For the first part, Jonah was recounting about his job. I think that certainly could have been cut short. We actually can see and know what Jonah's job scope is from earlier chapters, and it's unnecessary to mention it here again. I would want to hear more about things relating to the Rholtaii, and for that you can go at a slower pace because the reader wants more info about that.
I hope to see more chapters from this and I'll try my best to keep up, hope my review was somehow helpful!