Chapter 7 - Artificial
As the end of the day approached, Renjin found himself in a situation he felt was close to impossible: he talked with Daniel for hours, and the conversation even steered away from the official topic a couple of times. When he glanced out of the window and saw that it was already dark, he suddenly felt a little upset about letting the detective leave. It turned out that Daniel was a legitimately interesting person to talk to, a good listener and generally unlike anything Renjin thought of him before. They’ve talked about the murder, future plans and a couple of suggestions of what to do next - all of which seemed to be trustworthy and rational. RJ even felt a little guilty of that his prejudice raised his worries ahead of time. When they stood up, they shook hands tightly. He smiled, and swiftly threw on his jacket and green hat. As he left, he thanked Anna for the meal she ended up preparing, for the coffee, and Renjin for the ‘pleasant’ conversation. Anna closed the door behind him, and immediately asked the question that’s been slipping off her tongue for hours:
‘‘What was that about?’’
‘‘I work with the guy. We’ve got to solve a difficult crime.’’ - Renjin replied, approaching her and putting her hands into his.
‘‘I thought you hated men of the state.’’ - she said, reaching closer towards him.
‘‘Looks like I don’t hate all of them...’’
He reached forward for a kiss, slipping his hands around her waist.
‘‘Dinner tonight?’’
‘‘Yeah... but there’s plenty of time before that...’’
They embraced tightly, and shared a slow and passionate kiss. Slowly, trying to move straight whilst still hugging each other, they moved next door to the bedroom.
When it was time they got hungry, neither really wanted to get out of bed. Anna covered herself with the sheets, grumbling:
‘‘I don’t want to go now, can we order in or something?’’
‘‘Come on, we’ve been sitting here all day.’’, he replied, playfully tugging the sheets off her.
‘‘You have, you’ve been talking to that pretty man in a green suit.’’
She refused to co-operate by pulling onto her pillows tighter, and mumbling incomprehensibly in her most whiny voice. Renjin, after remaining in the bed for another half hour, finally decided to take the lead and got dressed first - in dark jeans and a collared shirt. Eventually, Anna gave in and in twenty minutes they were out on the street, walking hand in hand. The evening wind brought about an unpleasant chill, but it was nevertheless more suitable for Renjin who hated the darker mornings. His spirits were lifted, both by the conversation with the state detective and the fact that Anna was smiling, and held his hand gently. He could feel her warmth, and that always made him feel better, whatever the circumstance. They slowly paced through the park - it was the longer way to their destination, but both liked the sound of the rustling leaves and the natural setting. The park was always kept neat; the trees cut to shape, the paths ideally straight and wide enough, the leaves collected neatly into piles nearby. The lights radiating from the lamp posts shone on their path, giving the pebbles on the ground a pleasant shine. Renjin broke the silence finally, asking in almost a whisper:
‘‘Does it bother you? That... all of this is fake?’’
Anna was hesitant to reply: no one had ever asked her such a question. Eventually, she whispered back, saying what he might have wanted to hear rather than her own opinion:
‘‘Umm... I haven’t really thought about it. It’s been like this all of our lives, I guess I just got used to it.’’
‘‘But does the thought never cross your mind? This whole park, the trees, the leaves, even the ground beneath our feet is all unreal.’’
‘‘I wouldn’t call it unreal.’’, Anna replied, her voice now sounding quite worried - ‘‘Rather ‘created artificially’’.
‘‘Is there a difference?’’
Renjin now spoke normally, and was seeming to get emotional over the subject, which was the opposite of what Anna wanted.
‘‘Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this in public.’’
‘‘Why not? There isn’t anything illegal about it, I would know - my work is law. And justice. Supposed to be.’’
The last sentence was said just as a lump in Renjin’s throat took hold of his voice. Though he quickly cleared his throat and continued:
‘‘Don’t you remember that time when in the middle of winter this park was bright green and blooming because of a glitch? I do... I was really young, but I remember.’’
‘‘I actually think it’s a good idea to use our technology to recreate nature and ancient culture. That way we don’t forget it... and we can change it anytime we like.’’
Anna smiled, as a memory of the day that Renjin mentioned crossed her mind. She didn’t say it, but she too remembered standing in a thick fur coat, flinging snowflakes out of her hair as she picked up a dandelion off the ground in the park that was set to ‘summer mode’ because of some computer error. Renjin’s words made her think: the world around her was all... artificial, but she had always accepted it that way rather than challenge her way of thinking - that seemed to be one of Renjin’s characteristics. He turned around to face her, and swiftly kissed her stone-cold lips again.
‘‘You are beautiful, Anna. Every day, I see you, and I think of how beautiful you are.’’, he said, pulling her close and burying his nose in her blonde hair - ‘‘Times are getting hard. I really need you.’’
‘‘I’m here for you.’’ - she answered, staring into the darkness.
Anna was indeed beautiful, maybe even more to a man whose eyes were clouded by love. She was slim but not bony, golden hair to her lower back, greyish-blue eyes hidden under long eyelashes, was well-mannered and well-educated. Of her character even Renjin could deduce very little: she was generally introverted and fearful of the world around her, secretive even to her boyfriend of nearly two years. He never really knew what she was thinking, but could always take an educated guess.
‘‘Let’s keep moving, our table will be gone by the time we get there.’’
‘‘Hope not. I don’t want to run around town trying to find a place to eat again.’’, Anna laughed, and took his hand, pulling him forward.
Judge Risedo spent his day-off searching through tons of files. He did not really know what exactly he searched for, but he flipped through dozens of infogems, chucking them onto his desk. As each made a clanking noise as it hit the metallic surface, he got more and more frustrated. Eventually, he simply admitted that even his long-term experience could not provide him for an answer for the murder of Odilia Whimmer. He glanced over to his side - there, hidden from sight by some books, rested a small box filled with Seroquel, medicine that Renjin stopped taking months ago. The judge rested his head in his hands, his temples pumping from the headache he had caused by the stress.
‘‘Well don’t just stand in the door, detective, come in.’’,he called out, reaching up for his reading glasses.
‘‘Working late?’’
‘‘Aren’t we all.’’
Daniel closed the door behind him, immediately sat down in front of Risedo, and spoke, crossing his arms as he looked the judge right in the eye.
‘‘I want to offer you a deal, your honour.’’
End of chapter
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Hello.
I found your transition from disliking to liking very rushed%u2014 pretty much unbelievably so. Deep-seeded hate doesn't exactly flip off like that. The person needs to be incredibly forgiving to turn hate into charmed by a person.
Usually, when you hate someone, you try to pick apart their argument as much as you can. Things are dismissed and the other side has to work a lot harder to convince you. It's usually not solved in one conversation%u2014 it takes many, and the other side needs to be a world class charmer to get it done. True hate is not something very easily undone.
Not even dislike is that easy, because the same principle applies. You have to have an open mind (which it sounds like your character didn't at the start of that conversation) and be willing to see things as valid for them to make a dent. Anxiety ridden and wary is not the state to be accepting of new ideas.
That detail really made the rest of the chapter difficult to read. I kept coming back to how easy his turnaround had been, when I know it's really not that easy. When you have a dislike of a whole organization and all the people within it, I doubt one guy who's different will change anything. (Unless the MC is looking for people who are different, but I'm a bit fuzzy on the previous chapter to remember that detail.)
That's really my biggest comment on this. The transition from dislike to accepting/feeling he has an ally. It doesn't sit well and made it so I didn't end up finishing this chapter.
Hope I helped. PM me if you have any questions/comments.
1. And we are faced with yet another chapter in which nothing happens. In honesty, this chapter accomplishes very little. It gives the reader a brief insight into the relationship between Anna and Renjin (why is this coming so late in the story?) but a very, very brief one. Aside from that, nothing new.
2.
This should not be coming this late. This is an important component of his character, as it's how he perceives the world around him, so I should have known about it much earlier. As it is, it comes very suddenly, as you made no mention of it in previous chapters.
3. The relationship between Renjin and Anna seems dysfunctional, as Anna is constantly saying things just to humor Renjin, but I can't pinpoint whether or not it actually is. That last bit about her starling into the darkness only heightened my confusion. What you need to do is decide exactly what kind of relationship they have and then flesh it out for me.
Short chapter, short review. Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Alright, I’m here to review. I didn’t read the previous chapters, but I’m sure all tips and advice given are relevant. Please do not be dismayed by length--- I’m a line-by-line reviewer so things can get a bit technical.
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[/QUOTE] As the end of the day approached, Renjin found himself in a situation he felt was close to impossible: [/QUOTE]
“A near impossible situation?” I realize that this is not the first chapter, but that does not give you license to cheat. You need to have a gripping first line hear, especially since this is suspense. It needs to be immediate… something that is happening right now.
I haven’t read your previous chapter, but it wouldn’t hurt to hint at what the “official topic” is… you can be more specific without being redundant.
When did the detective leave? In the previous sentence he’s talking to him… in the next he’s watching him leave? This is a bit jarring--- I like the way you tried to make it so that we’re not wading through every single detail of the character’s actions--- but make the transition here a bit smoother.
You’re cheating here again. “It turned out…” try to make your sentences more personal to the main character--- what are his actual thoughts about the guy? Show, don’t tell. There’s a lot of telling going on in this section. Also, this sentence could stand to be rephrased. It’s a bit awkward. (Read out-loud to see what I mean)
No, no, no. You must keep this in the past tense. “They’ve” is present perfect tense… speaking of something that is continuous. Change instead to past perfect, that is, “They HAD talked about the murder…”
RJ? Either call him Renjin or RJ… but pick one and stick with it. Changing them around all the time is just bad form. Also, this sentence is particularly problematic, and needs rewording. Maybe try something like: “He even felt guilty over his prejudice against the detective--- his unfounded worries had been premature.” Or whatever.
…Whaaaah? Okay, WHO is this story about? At first it is being told from Renjin’s point of view… then the detective’s? And now Anna’s? Just because you’re telling the story from an “omniscient” point of view, that does not give you licence to switch the view-point character around wildly, especially in one sentence. You need to identify which person is the POV character, and what tense you’re going to tell this in. Past works best, but if you want to experiment with present perfect that’s fine too. Just be consistent. Pick one and stick with it.
Also, there is a story inconsistency here--- Renjin just watched the detective leave. If you’re going for a “flash-back” effect here, make sure you specify that this was what happened BEFORE the detective left. As-is, this is rather un-linear.
This passage is clunky, and largely un-romantic. Try revising the actions so that they flow better--- this should be handed with a level of grace.
MY SUGGESTED REVISION:
Spoiler
Is there a reason why any part of this paragraph is necessary? You could just cut the whole thing. I mean--- there’s not much character exchange going on here (I’m not asking for a sex scene, I’m just asking for the interesting stuff.) No offense, but this is boring. You could just cut to the next sentence. (“The evening wind brought about an unpleasant chill…”)
(I was almost going to ask why you were describing the park until I read the next sentence… awesome.) However, try to vary your sentence openers. Almost every line here begins with “the park, the lights, the leaves…”
AAHHH! You’re switching viewpoints again! First it was Renjin, now suddenly it’s Anna! Try this instead:
“She was hesitant to reply, as if she hadn’t been asked a question like this before.”
I’d also cut “saying what she thought he wanted to hear” until after the dialogue:
[/QUOTE] ‘‘Umm... I haven’t really thought about it. It’s been like this all of our lives, I guess I just got used to it.’’ [/QUOTE]
Another note, I just discovered (quite by accident) That you are using to apostrophes instead of quotation marks to tag your dialogue. Fix this.
Hmm, seems as though you’re letting the author speak and not the character. Make Anna’s voice, well… Anna’s voice. Also, you can heighten the tension here by hinting at the worry in her voice--- not just stating it. Show, don’t tell. How does Renjin know she’s worried? What actions give her away?
Clunkity-clunk. Try splitting this up or rephrasing… it needs directness and clarity. (Is Renjin speaking normally or is he getting emotional? I can’t say…) Try something like: “Renjin’s voice rose; becoming emotional on the subject. Anna shrank back and tried to skirt the issue.” But again, the writer’s golden rule here: Show, don’t tell. Make this passage excellent.
Yes, Anna is aware that his job involves law. Therefore, this is redundant. I think you need to make your dialogue a bit more crisp and raw--- don’t sit there brainstorming for stuff that’s clever--- it’ll sound forced. Get into the character’s head--- essentially, become them. How would Renjin say this? Make it personal to him. Good dialogue means a reader can tell who’s speaking even without the “he saids, she saids”
Hrm hrm hrm. This sounds awkward, as there is too much of a break between the actual dialogue and the manner in which he says it.
MY SUGGESTED REVISION:
Spoiler
Try not to use so many ellipses and colons. It might be your personal style, which is great, but it makes for awkward sentences. I would consider rewording that ^^^ if I were you.
Why are her lips stone cold? Is she suffering from hypothermia? If they’re cold b/c it’s “winter,” I would suggest using something different there as a metaphor. Also, he’s not kissing her “again”… this is the first time they’ve kissed in the park
Why, oh why, do you bother to describe her know? This is chapter seven, if the reader doesn’t have a general guess about the character’s appearances… then you’re in trouble. (You’re even in more trouble if this is chapter seven and the first time we’ve met Anna… don’t throw characters in randomly when the have a role in a scene. She’s his girlfriend after all, introduce her a bit sooner.) That being said, don’t just dump a paragraph of description on the reader’s heads. Hint, suggest, but don’t just tell us. The reader is connected intrinsically to your protagonist--- he wouldn’t pause for a paragraph to describe his girlfriend, and neither will the reader. Only add what’s relevant and important. Also, show don’t tell. (Sick of hearing that yet?
Um… please give us a transition here! Some “-----‘s” or two paragraphs or whatever… but please make sure that the scene change is clear.
Nor does, apparently, the author. What IS the judge searching for? Please tell us, otherwise you have a character with inexplicable actions.
This doesn’t make much sense… he’s frustrated because they’re making clanking noises? (And why is paper “clanking,” unless these are futuristic hologram-esque files or something, which would be nice if you told… Showed the reader) Maybe he’s frustrated because “the pile of files” or whatever is growing larger.
Even if he found a file relevant to his search, it would not be titled, simply, “Who killed Odilia Whimmer.” He would be looking for clues--- the victim’s personal history, profiles of murderers who are yet to be caught, etc.
Also, why is a Judge handling this? Stuff like this is the police’s jurisdiction. (Unless he is secretly looking through police files… in which case he has something to hide… hmmm. {But if that’s the case, you need to let the reader know right away} )
Why was Renjin taking Seroquel… is he sickly? Even so, why keep a box of it around? And what makes the judge “glance to his side?” As is, his whole discovery here is just waaaay too convenient. Also, you needed to let us know a bit sooner that he’s in Renjin’s house. Then again, maybe he’s not at Renjin’s house… as a matter of fact, where is he? Please let the reader know.
This needs a lot of revision. It’s too sudden. Seems like you rushed things once you started getting towards the end. Work on the action and dialogue here… make it more visual.
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Well, I hope all that affords you with some useful information. Overall, your story moves quickly, which I like. The biggest thing that bugged me is that it seems like your characters are walking around in white space… don’t describe every detail of the story’s world, but please be more visual. Show, don’t tell.
Good luck and keep this up, looks like a promising mystery.
PM me if you have any questions
~ED