The Rholtaii Heritage - Chapter 3

Back. Sorry for not getting to this sooner. Comments in bold, etc.

The morning was initially a haze. His head felt as heavy as if filled with lead "...felt heavy, like it was filled with lead." , a bruise on his arm that he will not remember the cause of was aching Tense confusion here. , and his eyes were hard to open This last bit is bland in juxtaposition with the rest of the sentence. Try stronger imagery here. . Still, a "The," or "his." The state of confusion has already been defined. state of confusion began to fade as he grew aware of his surroundings, and recognised familiar objects Such as what? . He tilted his head to the side Why? and called out a name What name? You haven't established enough tension yet to resort to this kind of equivocation. . The call caused quiet Not liking the alliteration here. hustling "Hustling" just evokes images of midday football practices. Try a different word. from the next room, and soon enough, his girlfriend Anna rushed inside. It looked like she got dressed twenty seconds ago, her blonde hair in one giant mess, the giant smile on her face filled with slight worry Along with the fact that you just used "giant" in the previous clause, it's hard to picture a giant smile filled with slight worry, for a number of reasons. . She kneeled down next to him, and whispered:

‘‘Good afternoon, lazy. You want a glass of water or something?’’

‘‘It’s okay, I’m getting up. Did I... Did you what? The lack of a definite implicit ending to this inquiry makes the trailing off ineffective. ?’’ - no dash Renjin asked, now feeling a little ashamed.

Anna let out a short laugh, and stood up.

‘‘Don’t you worry. The judge came with you, and you passed out as soon as he was gone.’’

Renjin sighed with relief Why? What was he expecting? , and slowly pulled himself up. He could feel his head throbbing and his arms swell The lack of parallelism makes this sentence awkward. Change "swell" to "swelling." , yet he found the strength to stumble over to the kitchen, and with a quick but careless movement What? Not sure what you're trying to say here. , turn turned on the flat television built into the wall. A gentle woman’s voice came pouring out of the screen, comma splice bright pictures on a faint green background depicted something hopeful for a change Why were they hopeful? What were the pictures of? But you proceed to tell me that he couldn't even look at the screen. I'm confused. . Renjin stared at the table, unable to look at something as bright as the screen as his mind filtered the information, trying to pick out anything such as ‘murder’, ‘fountain’, or even ‘angel’. However, there was nothing of the sort.

‘‘Baby, did you watch the news this morning?’’

‘‘No. What happened?’’ - no dash Anna replied He never answers her question! Not conducive to a healthy relationship! , her voice sounding faint and even possibly uninterested Be more assertive in your imagery! Was it uninterested or not? .

Renjin did not didn't have a clear answer for that quite yet. What he knew he could not tell; and what he did know confused him Why? . He turned the television off, and headed for the bedroom for a change of clothes. Anna sat on the bed, watching him, as if waiting for him to leave. Renijn quickly changed his clothes, throwing the dirty ones into the laundry bins across the room, and turned to Anna.

‘‘I have to get going now, I’m sorry... I’ll tell you everything later, okay? Maybe we’ll go out to that Chinese place you really like in the evening, spend some time together. comma ’’ - no dash he mumbled The dialogue itself doesn't sound like something mumbled, so I'm getting mixed messages , trying to avoid her disappointed look Again, I was picturing him looking into her eyes and speaking clearly as he said that. . He threw on his coat, swung around, leaned forward and kissed her swiftly but lovingly No need to describe every single little action. . He smiled, waved her goodbye, and after a little while of searching for his shoes, keys and phone, he was on the move again.



That morning was beautiful, nothing reminiscent of the storm that had raged on the previous day. Everything seemed to be the same as before: the man who sold fresh fruit still leaned on his wooden stand, chewing on a green apple; the small screens above his stall were full of graphs and spokesmen talking of about current affairs; the children played ball on the streets. However, Why however? What is being contradicted?[b] Renjin walked past them all with a smile on his face and a worry on his mind [b]Awkward. . He knew that things weren’t going to be the same for a long while, and all those people knew nothing of it. His thoughts occupied him all the way until the Justice Hall. The Hall was shaped like a giant dome, the facade a dark brown colour, magnificent shapes and images carved into the material, and many round glass windows in seemingly random positions and sizes looked more like decorations Rework this last bit. You really stumble over that image. . Any curious eye could see the inside, the workers rushing along corridors and having meetings in vast eliptical offices. Because of the shape and the elaborate maze of corridors and halls Corridors and halls are the same thing. , the building was often called ‘the Ant-hill’. Renjin had long stopped admiring the beauty of the giant dome, since he was so used to the sight. There was only one thing on his mind, and he grew worried with every step that he would miss out on some important information about the murder. He didn’t even notice the men, dressed in identical dark green suits with golden buttons on their chests Comma here, unless you mean the buttons were guarding the entrance. guarding the entrance. He lifted his head, showed a hasty smile, and stepped forwards Redundant, since you already said that he's walking, and walking consists of taking steps forward. , attempting to ignore the guards I thought you said he didn't notice them. . However, one instantly moved to the side, blocking the path.

‘‘Let me through, I work here.comma’’ - no dash Renjin announced, glancing up to see the policemen’s faces.

‘‘Work, huh. What do you do, serve coffee I don't get it. ? Back off, son, this is Sounds forced. More natural here is "that's." an order.’’

‘‘I said, I work here. I’m an assistant to the judge.’’ "'I'm the judge's assistant'" reads much more smoothly.

‘‘Judge Risedo wishes not to be disturbed at this time.’’ - comma, no dash, you know the deal the man replied coldly.

‘‘Bullshit. I know why you two are here, comma splice I was the one who found the goddamn body!’’

The guards were slightly taken aback by Renjin’s violent approach He was just walking? Again, confused. , but mutually decided to let him through to avoid a fight in the street Okay, this doesn't feel realistic. It's the guards' duties to keep intruders out, yet all he has to do is say he found the body and suddenly he's through. They're paid to get into fights if they have to (they're guards, yo), yet they let him through without another word. Doesn't feel right. . As one moved away aside , another followed Renjin inside. They decided this without talking to each other at all? Are they mind-readers?

‘‘You’re gonna spy on me now, huh question mark . Alright.’’ - no dash, comma Renjin muttered as he made his way past the entrance plaza and up the stairs.



He deliberately walked slightly faster than usual, knowing that it won’t Tense confusion; should be "wouldn't." be enough for the guard to lose him but enough to get him annoyed I had to read this at least three times before I understood what you meant. Definitely rephrase this. . The Hall looked like a real anthill indeed Try "The Hall truly did look like an anthill." - there were almost twice as many As opposed to what? suited men and women all Cut "all." rushing through corridors, up and down stairs. It was even more vibrant How so? , hectic perhaps An anthill is an extremely orderly system, so the analogy kind of fails here. , but it was something Renjin was used to. He kept looking back and twisting around people, hoping for the man following him to lose track, but all in vain First, awkwardly worded, and second, why is he trying to lose the Guard? It's unclear. . Finally, after easily Easily? I thought he had to force his way through all those people. passing the maze of corridors, Renjin ended up in front of the same The same? Explain? redwood doors of the Judge. Ignoring the quiet orders "Quiet orders" is an oxymoron. of the guard to knock, Renjin shamelessly wrong word swung the door open, to find Risedo sitting at his table, frozen in mid-sentence. Instantly? No one's reactions are that fast. Renjin would have at least heard a word or two of the sentence he was interrupting.

‘‘Renjin, here you are. Sounds like he was expecting him. Was he? ’’ - Comma, no dash. Also, Risedo being a judge, it seems like he should be sterner. [/b]the Judge Out of curiosity, why is this capitalized? said politely, nodding to the guard, who now felt rather awkward standing behind the intruder. Why?

The guard took this as a sign to leave, and gladly did so Why gladly? . Having closed the doors and seated himself on one of the couches in front of Risedo, Renjin demanded:

‘‘Who’s he?’’

Should be joined with the previous paragraph. He had vaguely wrong tense pointed at the man in on the couch near him, without even caring to take a look at the figure. The Judge replied with a faint smile, and a rather detailed explanation:

‘‘Finding the murderer of the Rholtaii Leader is essential, as you must have realised. This man and his team will be joining forces with us to speed up the process of the investigation. He’s...’’ Get rid of "he" and the ellipsis.

‘‘Daniel Logan Edwin, detective. Nice to finally meet you, Renjin Lowe. Heard of you on many ocassions.’’ A speech tag somewhere here would be great.

The detective’s words grabbed RJ’s Renjin. I may have already mentioned this, but nicknames are for dialogue exclusively. attention: he turned his chair closer to him You can't turn closer to something. You can, however, move closer to something. , and now made the effort to see what he looked like. Quite young, at least too young for his position Whose position? , well-dressed in the same colour as the guards - a suit of a dark shade of The number of "of"s here makes this difficult to digest. green with leather lining, golden buttons on the cuffs and along his chest. The clothes fit him well; comma and he himself was good-looking: blonde hair neatly combed to the side, large grey eyes hiding behind thin brown glasses, skin white and free of imperfection. A briefcase stood beside his couch, a flamboyant golden emblem on the front. Renjin immediately recognised the type of person he saw in front of him - one who expects expected authority Wrong word. This is actually the exact opposite of the word you want here. from everyone he thinks below himself, which was almost everyone. He was obviously outraged by the behaviour Renjin showed towards him What behavior, and why? , but dared not show it. Then how did Renjin know?

‘‘The Rholtaii have nothing to do with the state. How come you’re so concerned?’’ - no dash Renjin asked, throwing a quick, fiery glance at Risedo.

‘‘Now they might Why? . Also, this is no ordinary murder.’’ - Daniel replied calmly, taking no notice of how thrilled Wrong word. Renjin now looked.

‘‘Because of the feathers? Her power? The fact that she was left in public?’’

‘‘Because of the ruby.’’

A look of genuine surprise appeared on Renjin’s face. He glanced at the detective, then back at the judge.

‘‘What do you mean by that? ... no ellipsis She was killed by her own? Have you tested, is it not fake?’’ - No dash and capitalize "questions" as it begins its own sentence. questions burst out of him one after the other, his tone now slightly nervous.

‘‘So many questions, young man. That’s why I’m here to answer them.’’ - no dash Daniel smiled for the first time, mouth half-open. Not necessary. Most people smile with their mouth half-open.

‘‘It’s real What is? .’’ - no dash, capitalize "the" the judge finally spoke, his stare gaze lowering onto the stack of papers on his desk.

Renjin sunk further into the armchair, his mind racing. Daniel Logan Edwin, doing his best at hiding contempt Why? , continued with the same emotionless tone:

‘‘I understand you must have been shocked at finding the body. It might not be a great idea to overwhelm you with the details.’’

‘‘I can handle it, detective.’’



Their eyes met for a fraction of a second, a moment that lasted minutes for both. Both tried to see something in each other’s eyes, carefully analysing, like two hunters circling each other before battle. The detective saw a young, naive man who had quite the temper but also the a wit and a determination - admirable traits, usually Why not here? . Renjin saw a man who not only looked smart, but might also live up to his reputation What reputation? And how does Renjin know about it if he's never met him? . An odd feeling of mutual respect had appeared in both men, shrouded by the thrill of competition. Risedo, having noticed the look between the two but having not quite understood it, cleared his throat and said:

‘‘I was going to call you just after Daniel and I were finished. There’s a journalist waiting downstairs. And Jonah also wanted to...’’

‘‘I’ll take care of it, Judge. Too formal. If they're friends, it'd make more sense if Renjin just called him by his first name. ’’

Renjin, now without glancing over to Risedo Why do you include this? , stood up and reached out his hand Makes it seem like Renjin is reaching out his hand to Risedo. . The detective had also lifted himself, still looking right into the man’s eyes in a futile attempt to make him uncomfortable Why is he trying to make him uncomfortable? . They shook hands, both squeezing a bit harder than usual, and still refusing to lose eye contact. They both let go suddenly, Awkward, and period.

Renjin quickly "Quickly" sounds clunky here. headed for the exit, and nodded slightly Same thing with "slightly." to the judge as he disappeared in the shade the doors cast upon the carpet floor. I don't think doors cast a deep enough shadow for people to disappear into.

Hey, Polinka! Blues again.

Once again, I liked this. I can't say that it's your strongest chapter though but that doesn't mean I didn't like and enjoy it. I like how there's some competition between the two characters and I'm interested to see how that goes -- hidden agendas always make things intriguing and add an element of mystery to the story Onto the critique:

I couldn't help feel that this chapter was too short - how I mean that is that I feel like there should be another scene here. This is very picky of me but it feels more like it's just a scene - nothing really happens and it's not like it's a scene leading up to something particularly major. Daniel seems to be having the upper hand here - play on that fact! Rather than tell me, show me through what he says. You've already made a start here with their body language :>

I don't know if this is was a deliberate choice, but I would really like to see Renjin's thoughts. At the moment, I'm in the dark about what he's thinking. Simply seeing how he feels isn't enough for me - I want to know what he's thinking, what he wants to do about it. I want to know about him further. Is he secretly insecure about something? Maybe he has a secret he's trying to hide. Right now he seems like a person that I don't really connect with. I suppose some information about what he's thinking would make him more relatable and easier to understand.

In your last chapter, you wrote that everyone knew who the angel was. I would've hoped for some information on that here - why would he be so keen to help investigate other than to please the judge? It seems like it's very important for him at the moment, but why? Without details like that, we can't figure out things for ourselves. It's great to be intrigued and have some questions but right now I feel like there are far too many of these unanswered questions at the moment that it makes the reader feel more lost. You don't necessarily have to reveal everything - tease us a bit if you want! - but we're completely in the dark and there's no clue to be found at all.

I hope my review was helpful and I'm off to the next chapter! You've got a great story so keep writing.

Blues.

Hey there polink! I'm back to review the third chapter!

Right, since I've read chapter one and two. I should be able to understand this, but I don't. As I said in my earlier reviews, there's many missing pieces in this, and you need to fill in the blanks before proceeding to something else. In this case, my question here is, what or who is the Rholtaii Leader? And what has the angel or ruby got to do with it?

You're introducing too many new characters and events from the first chapter to this. I'm pretty confused actually, by all of this. You need to let the reader settle in to one event or character before introducing another one, or else the reader is just going to get lost. In this case, I have not much of an idea what's going on.

The good thing here is you keep the characters or Risedo and Renjin consistent. Risedo is still the old guy who is always calm while Renjin is the young ambitious guy. I also like the relationship they have as a mentor and student, and that relationship is kept constant, with the occasional arguments they have, like in the first chapter.

Your strength in this is the dialogue, which actually helps the story to unfold, seeing as they are discussing about the main conflict, which was the angel's death. A suggestion would be to use the dialogue to fill in the missing blanks in the story.

I've enjoyed reading this so far and hope that you will take my suggestions into consideration!