The Rholtaii Heritage - Chapter 5

by polinkacreations

Published December 26, 2012

In Rholtaii Heritage

Chapter 5 - Secret Searching

    Renjin was breathing heavily, anxious that the Judge would be gone too, as he sprinted past seemingly endless corridors. Thankfully, he met Risedo halfway down the staircase, and conversation resumed as if it had never ended.

‘‘I hate it when you do this, RJ.’’

‘‘I didn’t do anything!’’ - Renjin laughed, as he followed the judge down.

‘‘That game of yours, to see how far you can push another ‘man of the state’. I hate it.’’

Renjin replied with a boyish smile, skipping forward. Something was on his mind, and Judge Risedo knew exactly what it was, having known him for so long.

‘‘Renjin, he is one of the best ones out there.’’ - he muttered.

‘‘Oh come on, we’ve cracked dozens of cases before the detectives had.’’

‘‘Why do you have to be this childish? We’re talking of a case unlike any other, ever! If we want to find the killer...’’ - the judge said the next part of the sentence very clearly - ‘‘which is our top priority... we need Daniel’s help.’’

Renjin shrugged, and glanced at his watch. The judge, having noticed that his words made little impact on RJ, continued, turning to face him:

‘‘Do not let the game be ahead of our goal.’’

Renjin’s smile was gone in an instant. He lowered his head, and replied quietly, almost sorrowfully.

‘‘Risedo, I know. I’m still not over the fact I found a slain woman in a fountain yesterday. Don’t tell me how important this is, I know full well.’’

He slowed his pace, glancing out of the window. He could see the fountain in the distance, sparkling clean and vibrant as always. Just before he reached the exit, he managed to succumb to the judge’s wish:

‘‘If working with...Danny is what it will take to solve this, then I’m willing to do it.’’

‘‘Thank you.’’

‘‘Welcome. Oh, I need some material to work with.’’

The judge paused.

‘‘Well... The autopsy should be over in a couple of hours. For the rest, I think you should ask Daniel.’’

‘‘But you have the information, too. Please?’’

Renjin reached out his hand in a demanding gesture. The judge was at first reluctant, but was forced to give in - arguing with the man was useless. His hand slipped into the deep pocket of his cape, he pulled out a small diamond-shaped metallic object and threw it gently into the air towards Renjin. He caught it swiftly, his face once again lighting up in an excited and slightly menacing smile.

    By the time the sun had set over the horizon, Daniel Logan Edwin knew Renjin better than he knew himself. He knew the age, name and qualifications of the doctor that was present at his birth, his browser history, his grades from high school and the amount of money he had spent on alcohol the previous night. The detective was quite proud of himself: creating such a detailed profile on someone was his speciality, yet each time he would put on a somewhat arrogant smile. He took off his brown glasses, carefully folded them over and placed them next to his computer. The sunset illumenated the wooden floor, the antique paintings and handcrafted furniture. The detective always thought himself as a man of style, of exquisite taste. It stirred pride within him to be different from others. His ego fueled on his love for himself, and the failure of others - and the second factor was his speciality. He felt confident; he had been on the case before anyone at the Hall could suspect, and knew he had information that could be used against anyone he met at the Anthill that day. He joyfully swept a flat, silver device and flipped it in his hand. The screen readily lit up as it recognised the touch of its owner. Daniel pressed a button on the device, and placed it back on the table. Immediately, a voice poured out:

‘‘Edwin?’’

‘‘Sir. Please, could you clarify what Seroquel gets prescribed for?’’

‘‘It’s anti-psychotic medicine. Used for multiple disorders, such as anger management, schizophrenia.’’ - the voice replied quickly and in a matter-of-fact tone.

‘‘Thank you, sir. Goodnight.’’

The screen of the device faded into black, and Daniel stroked his chin in thought, gazing out of the window. He thought back to the information gathered, his brain slowly putting the pieces of the puzzle together, collecting information into one coherent whole. He wondered; he speculated; he thought of possibilities. He took off his silver ring and let it fall and roll along his palm. He then skillfully caught it in between his fingers, and thumbed it thoughtfully. Multiple ideas had come across him, and many involved workers of the Anthill to be suspects. As he thought, he grew more immersed, more interested to be involved in a case so grand for both his career and personal interest. He started to pace around his apartment, talking out loud to himself:

‘‘Why would a Judge need so much anti-psychotic medicine? All permanent workers get checked for diseases before they begin. Risedo is clean...’’

Outside grew darker; it always did in the colder months. Wind scratched against the window, the cold taking a firm hold of everything exposed to the air, but the detective felt nothing of it in his warm safehouse.

    Renjin looked at the same darkening horizon from the place he thought safe, thinking hard about what has happened in the last few days. He knew for sure that another man in a green suit had already searched him, and would love to ask of his secrets. But, Renjin felt prepared as well. He knew Daniel’s life story, work history, whatever he could find. The crystallic object Risedo had given him - the ‘infogems’, as they were called - were a means of storing information, but not many had access to a machine that could read them. It was a metal box, no bigger than a car engine, with a slot that the gem had to be inserted into. Each gem was unique and thus could not be altered or faked, since each could have millions of combinations of size, colour, edge sharpness and the such. The box recognized the gem and could then decode the message, projecting the information stored onto the table or wall, ready to use. Renjin scrolled through thousands of pages of research into the Rholtaii history and murders, the detectives on the cases, (not many, surprisingly), the ritual behind each. He, too, could now see why the most recent death raised too many questions than there were answers, even from the years of research. Apparently, the recent death was a Rholtaii murder, except the Rholtaii never... never ever, killed their own. The autopsy revealed that she was killed exactly like the rest, even the trademark ruby that the Rholtaii left beside each body. Renjin sunk into a black leather armchair, spun around to gaze around his room. He thought of nothing but the slain leader in the fountain, struggling to find an answer to how or why the Rholtaii would kill their own. Unfortunately, a call from Risedo was there to remind him that there were dangers apart from the ones he had considered up until then.

‘‘You’re calling early.’’ - Renjin spoke, leaning back into his armchair, letting the voice pour out of the loudspeaker on his desk.

‘‘Renjin, where are you?’’

‘‘At home, why?’’

‘‘Where were you this afternoon?’’ - the Judge asked, the agitated notes in his voice echoing around the room.

‘‘I was out to dinner with Anna, and went home to go through the stuff you gave me! Tell me what’s going on, will you?’’

‘‘You’ll need a pretty solid alibi... The journalist is dead.’’

A painfully long minute of silence ensued. Renjin shivered, the lump in his throat blocking his breaths.

‘‘Who now?’’ - Renjin asked, even know he knew exactly who Risedo meant.

‘‘You were the last person she talked to. She’s dead, RJ.’’

‘‘Shit... shit!’’

Renjin slammed his fists on the glass window, taking long breaths in a futile attempt to calm himself. His voice shook as it escaped his dry throat, asking the question he’d rather really not know the answer to:

‘‘Does Edwin know?’’

‘‘He will, eventually. Renjin, focus. Daniel will not arrest you if you have an alibi. You are not going back to jail, I’ll make sure of that.’’

‘‘I’m not going to jail, because I have nothing to do with all of this!’’ - RJ exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air, turning himself towards the loudspeaker, as if Risedo were standing there.

Risedo sighed, and made an attempt to say everything will be alright. Of course, it wouldn’t.

‘‘Why would he arrest me? Is it because he now knows...?’’

‘‘I hope not, Renjin. But we have to assume for it, just to be sure.’’

Risedo concluded his conversation with a warning to stay safe, and to be prepared for anything that happens tomorrow. That night, RJ barely got any sleep.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Kafkaescence
Review
Kafkaescence wrote a review Review · Jan 27, 2013

1. I have nothing against an omniscient narrator, but the fact that you switch over to Daniel and give details about his actions and his motives deprive this piece of that mysterious push it needs, especially at this point in the story. Just stick to Risedo and Renjin, and only exercise your omniscience if there is an extremely important plot point that needs to be made.

2. It's still unclear what's at stake in this story. The journalist got murdered, and that's evidently important, but by chapter five I'd like to have at least some inkling as to what things like this

Is it because he now knows...?’

are referring to. The time for nebulosity has passed, and it's time to feed the reader some of that vital story juice.

3. Why is Renjin so effulgent at the beginning of this chapter? What in the previous chapter aroused such enthusiasm? And why is he not able to pick up dialogical clues from Risedo that it's serious talk time?

Also, that talk should have happened earlier, back when the conversation had just taken place. The gravity of Risedo feels detached so far time-wise from the actual object of his grimness.

4. Who's Edwin? I must have missed him in an earlier chapter. God, there are so many characters to keep track of.

5. Why does Risedo think everything won't be alright if he knows that Renjin isn't going to go to jail? It's unclear what you're referring to here.

Hope this helped.

-Kafka

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

Hi! This is the first chapter I'm reading so I can't comment on anything previous to this, which means if I point out something that's resolved or covered in an earlier chapter, you'll just have to take my advice with a pinch of salt.

Specifics

1. Your two characters are going to get confusing fast! They both have similar sounding strange names and I am going to mix them up! Referring to them as the judge and RJ is helping though.

2. For someone who doesn't like Daniel, why does he refer to him as Danny? That doesn't seem appropriate. I never refer to people I don't like by nicknames, especially when I'm grudgingly giving in to asking them for help.

3. These details you give us to show that Daniel knows Renjin better than he knows himself don't back up that statement. Grades and browser history don't make a person. Where are the sharp little details that really give away who we are: that he sleeps always on the left side of the bed, that his first thought on a morning is of dandelions because they remind him of the wallpaper he used to have back home. Obviously I'm making these up on the spot but I want to see those difficult to obtain details that press down into the psyche of an individual.

4.

He wondered; he speculated; he thought of possibilities. He took off his silver ring and let it fall and roll along his palm.
This is a very nice section, my favourite so far and it was worth pointing that out. More details like this would really strengthen the piece.

5. This is getting too info-dumpy. And the view points switch too much. I don't have a strong connection to any one character and I'm not finding the plot very interesting to follow as it's a little dry and not presented with much excitement. Take for instance the information storing item - it would be more fun to see him using that and to show us how the information is gathered from it, instead of describing it. Make this an active discovery instead of a passive one. If you've ever read Harry Potter, think of the pensieve and how cool it is when Harry first sticks his head inside.

6. The conversation between the judge and Renjin about the dead journalist gets heated too quickly. You need to describe the tone of the judge's voice and how that sets off Renjin and makes him start to panic. From the reader's perspective, he gets worried too quickly.

Overall

You've got some good descriptions and a few nice phrases but I felt your dialogue let this piece down a lot. It was hard to differentiate between the voices of the different characters as they all sounded quite alike and the conversations felt flat to me. I think you need to focus more on their voices and ask yourself how they speak differently. Does one use more polite words? Longer words? Does one of them tend to say the verb at the beginning of the sentence? At the end?

Listen to how people talk and try to work out what they do differently to you as this will help you create unique voices in your writing.

Hopefully that gives you a few things to think about.

All the best,

Heather xx

User avatar
Love
Review
Love wrote a review Review · Dec 30, 2012

So, to begin with... "Renjin replied with a boyish smile" seems out of place and is rather confusing. Perhaps you should place it directly after Renjin spoke in order to avoid confusion. If this is done, the paragraph where it previously was would probably have to be expanded.

"‘‘Renjin, he is one of the best ones out there.’’ - he muttered." This line makes it sound as if Renjin is one of the best ones out there, which is confusing.

Although I must admit to not having read the previous chapters, it could be unwise to say with certainly that no similar cases have occured before.

I recently have learned that apparently it is possibely somewhat incorrect to use an ellipsis as you did ("killer..."etc.) This might be of use to you: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx

"The detective always thought *of* himself as a man of style . . . " perhaps?

" His ego fueled on his love for himself" sounds somewhat confusing. Maybe something like "His ego was fueled by his love for himself"?

"‘‘Sir. Please, could you clarify what Seroquel gets prescribed for?’’" I am not certain, but the term "prescribed for" might not be exactly fitting.

" . . . faded into black_ness_", maybe?

"the most recent death raised too many questions than there were answers" I am not sure whether "too" would be appropriate here. Oh, and "answers for" might help.

" and went home to go through the stuff you gave me!" I am uncertain the exclamation mark should be there.

"RJ exclaimed" I would suggest that you use a character's proper name, although this is merely a suggestion.

So, overall, I truly loved what I read. I certainly feel a strong desire to read the previous chapters, and I truly enjoyed your style. Although perhaps not overly descriptive, it certainly made the story enjoyable by effectively conveying what the characters were feeling. I found truly few mistakes, if they could even be considered as such, and overall the piece was surprisingly well-written. But I would also suggest that you should perhaps expand the story slightly in order to avoid confusion. It's truly effectively composed, but it is my opinion that you might want to consider perhaps adding more description and more character actions, which would, if used carefully, help solidify the piece in such a way that would eliminate possible confusion. Oh, and make sure that you do not turn the detective into a stereotype. From my experience, it would not be that uncommon to read about truly awesome detectives, Sherlock Holmes perhaps being the first of such characters. Your character didn't cross that line to become cliche, I think, but it should certainly be something to keep in mind when writing. Also, it would be my personal opinion that the piece is slightly too short . . . . Although, I have spotted numerous areas which added length would have ruined. Ultimately, it would be your decision whether you decide to expand the piece, and I would't truly see it as critical.

Anyhow, bye! XD



It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain