The Rholtaii Heritage - Chapter 6

ED here to review again. I’ve put the nitpicks regarding your sentence structures in the spoiler below.

Spoiler

Renjin stayed in bed for what seemed like hours, staring upwards, thinking of what will happen to him as soon as he crosses his doorstep.

You switch tenses here--- from past to present. Make sure you read through and check for stuff like this. It should be “Renjin… wondered what WOULD happen to him as soon as he CROSSED his doorstep.”

Would the sound of sirens drown out all others, a signal to end his freedom? Would armed policemen in green suits arrest him, now a wanted criminal? Would the people he walked past stare at him with cold, hateful eyes? He did not know, but could imagine it very clearly all the while knowing they were exagerrated* by his worry.

*Exaggerated

This section here isn’t bad in and of itself, but it could stand to be rephrased in order to heighten the tension. Don’t put so many questions in here--- show, rather than tell, what Renjin’s emotions are at this point. Add more personal description… what little, normal things in his life suddenly seem more threatening? As for the phrasing, you were probably going for something closer to this:

-My suggested revision-
[SPOILER]

Would the sound of sirens hound him, eventually drowning out all others until at last he was cornered by the police? Would the people he walked past avoid him and glare with cold, hateful eyes… instinctively aware that he was a wanted criminal? Renjin’s imagination began to run wild, heightened by his worry. He pictured in vivid detail the exact moment when he would lose his freedom.

Obviously, these are very personal suggestions based on my writing style… but what I wanted to get across is that you need to internalize this… add more strong verbs to encapsulate how Renjin would visualize this.

Shivers ran down his back, despite him curling up into a ball and somehow managing to conserve some heat.

This should be reworded, also, you slip again into present tense. “Shivers ran down his spine. He curled up into a ball and managed to conserve some heat.”

I think one of the main problems that you’re having with your sentence structure is that they run on and so become confusing. While it is annoying to read something that has only been written with short, choppy sentences, do try to break up yours a little more. Sometimes, two sentences can say something better than one. My advice is that, when you’re having a problem area, go back and read it out loud, or have someone else read it out loud. This should show you where something needs to be reordered or revised to sound more natural.

Eventually, he forced himself out of bed, and quickly made himself some poor quality breakfast - not to enjoy the food, but to get enough protein to last him the day.

What is a “poor quality breakfast” here? You don’t have to be overly descriptive/detailed or anything, but I think you’re missing a chance for characterization here. What kind of things does Renjin eat every day? What sort of a man is he? Cold cereal, burned toast and eggs, or an energy bar? This helps your reader visualize his personality more…. Look for more subtle ways like this that you can use to hint at Renjin’s personality. What makes him unique?

He figured it would raise even less suspicion if he went to work on his off-day, and make sure no one suspects him.

I have no clue what you were trying to say here. And again, you slip into present tense.
“He figured it would raise (cut “even”) LESS suspicion if he went into work… even though it was his day off.”
However, why would going into work raise less suspicion than NOT going into work, considering it’s his day off? I miss the point of this sentence.

Just as he put his hand on the doorhandle*, his phone vibrated in his pocket: it was Anna calling.

Again, you seem to have a problem with splitting up your sentences. It should be two here: “Just as he put his hand on the *DOOR HANDLE, his phone vibrated in his pocket. It was Anna calling.”

‘‘Hey babe, there’s a man here, at my place, asking for you. He thought you’d be here.’’ she said in her usual, cheerful tone.

So, I haven’t read the previous chapters but I assume Anna doesn’t realize he’s wanted be the police yet. If so, why does she expect him at work if it’s his off-day? This is inconsistent here.

‘‘I’ll be right over.’’ Renjin replied, ending the call a little faster than Anna could ask why he suddenly sounded anxious.

*nods head* I can see you were struggling with the wording here. The action is choppy at the end there, again, it’s okay to split stuff up to clarify. I always stress clarity over detail, and less rather than more. So I would suggest something like: “I’ll be right over. Renjin hung up a little faster than normal; he was afraid Anna would suddenly catch the worry in his voice.” It’s still one sentence, but the pause occurs at a different spot. However, you should write as well, you would write. Don’t stress or over-work a sentence: write fast and naturally. You can worry about choosing the perfect order and words later.

[/QUOTE] Renjin exited slowly, carefully looking around to see whether his exaggerated* predictions were true. Surely, they weren’t. [/QUOTE]

*exaGGerated

You seem to like to use "exaggerated" a lot… but why would they be exaggerated in the first place? Even if they were, Renjin wouldn’t notice… he’s wanted by the police after all, that is in itself a very threatening situation. Also, “Surely, the weren’t” doesn’t exactly seem to fit. (to me, anyways) Re-word to help the flow.

As he walked, his only thought was what Daniel was thinking when he chose to speak with him at Anna’s house, and not his home adress*, which wouldn’t be the sort of information which was hard to obtain with a detective’s level of ability.

Aaah! Slow down! I couldn’t breathe! The sentence here is waaay too long, and as a result the meaning becomes muddled. Try breaking it up a little:

“As he walked, his thoughts turned towards what Daniel had been thinking when he came to speak to him at Anna’s house. Why had he not used his home *address? It wouldn’t have been hard for a detective of Daniel’s ability to track down where he lived.”
(At least, I think that’s what you were going for.)

Finally, he arrived at Anna’s house - neat, small, coloured light green to match the once flourishing garden she kept, now brown and bare from the autumn’s cold grip.

This could use some revision--- it seems a little clunky.

“…introduced him to the man he already knew much too well.”

I would have put “introduced him to the man already much too familiar to him.” As it seems to convey the idea a little better.

‘‘Do you guys want some more coffee? I’ll go make some.’’ Anna suggested, clasping her hands and smiling sweetly at them both.

A little too sweet, perhaps. No offense, but Anna’s character here seems to be a bit to “Barbie-doll”-esque. You should define your character’s more… everyone has flaws. Don’t make the girlfriend perfect just because she’s the girlfriend. Even a slight rephrasing of the dialogue can make things more realistic.

i.e.: “Anna glanced between the two of them. “I’ll go get you guys some coffee.” She offered in her usual, innocent way.”

“Some more coffee would be great, Anna. Thank you.’’ Edwin replied, subtlety gesturing Renjin to sit down.

Edwin? Who is Edwin? I though he was talking to Daniel? (This might have been a name-change mistake here. To tell you the truth, I like Daniel better anyways. Good choice. )

Renjin took off his long coat, which still smelled like scented candles of the Old Temple…

I haven’t read the previous chapters, but I’m wondering why this detail is important, and why you chose to show it now. It does have a nice touch to it… but only add it if it’s important to the current scene.

‘‘Now, before you say anything, I haven’t come here to interrogate you.’’
‘‘Really? I’m sure you have plenty of questions for me.’’ Renjin replied, leaning back on his chair and sweeping a vanilla cookie off the table.

Why is there a vanilla cookie on the table? More importantly, why is the vanilla cookie pertinent to the current situation? I know it may sound like I’m contradicting what I’ve been saying all along (that you need more setting description, show don’t tell) but only add stuff if it’s important to the story.

More importantly (and I’m not being harsh here) is that all of your characters sound exactly the same. You need to define their voices--- make them unique and fitting to their personality. What kind of person is Renjin? Nervous, confident, reserved? What about Daniel? Gruff and wizened, or more tactful? Get into your character’s heads… don’t just convey information, say it how the character would say it.

‘‘I do indeed. I have plenty of doubt about you, but none of it has to do with the investigation for now. I’ve come here to have a legitimate talk with you about the murder of Odilia.’’ Daniel replied light-heartedly, as if he was talking about the weather, not of a gruesome murder.

I can sense your frustration. This needs to be reworded. If I understand correctly, you want Daniel to come off as nonchalant. In that case, consider revising to something like:
“I do indeed have plenty of doubts about you and your…. Questionable activities.” Daniel waved his hand. “But none of that concerns my current investigations. I’m here on quite another matter… the murder of Odilia, to be precise.” He spoke in a relaxed manner, as if discussing the weather and not some gruesome murder.”

Now, I’m not sure if this is what your going for here. You need to personalize it according to Daniel’s character type. (I can’t say for sure what he’s like, only you, the author can.) But I do want to stress that you can convey a mood much better by breaking up lines of dialogue between fitting actions. A person’s body language is just as important as speech, after all.

‘‘Alright, what do you want to know?’’ Renjin now asked, feeling slightly relieved but nevertheless concentrated on what he words he was choosing.

You sound like one of those dry play narrators of 50 years ago. Again, this sentence runs on. You should not, especially, tie sentences on to the end of a dialogue tag. It impedes the flow and just sounds cheesy. Therefore:

“Renjin (omit now) asked. He (now add “now”) now felt slightly relieved, (comma) but nevertheless (this can be shortened a great deal here) chose his words carefully.”

‘‘I’m afraid we’ll have to go back to when you first found her. The autopsy revealed that she was dead little under two hours when you arrived.’’
‘‘I don’t know the details of the autopsy.’’ RJ cut him off, grabbing another cookie.
Daniel slid his hand into his pocket, pulled out a small metallic-coloured object in the shape of an irregular diamond and slid it across the table.

This could use a lot of work. First off, why is Daniel sorry about “revisiting the time when Renjin found her?” Te dialogue needs to be revised for clarity here. Try something like: “Let’s go back to when you first discovered the body. The autopsy revealed she had been dead just under two hours by the time you arrived.” Secondly, why would Renjin suddenly cut him off? Of course he wouldn’t know the details of the autopsy, so he’s stating the obvious here. Thirdly, choose “RJ” or “Renjin” and call him that for the rest of your story. It’s bad form to switch things up on your readers all the time. The same goes for using “Daniel” or the detective, but it’s not as important. I must point out, however, that you characters may call each other different names within the story. For example, Renjin may refer to Daniel as “the Detective” when speaking of him indirectly, Anna may call Renjin “RJ” as a pet term, and so forth. Also, what is an “irregular shaped diamond” supposed to look like…. I mean, it could be in the shape of a duck for all I know. Anyways, the characters would know what an infogem looks like, so “a metallic-coloured object in the shape of an irregular diamond” is redundant. You could handle this detail more gracefully by putting something like this instead: (Also, don’t use “slid” twice in the same sentence… obviously it’s cheesy to the reader… I realize that was probably unintentional though)

“Daniel pulled something out of his pocket. It was a small, metallic object in a distorted diamond shape. Renjin recognized it instantly as being an “infogem.” Daniel placed it on the table and slid it across to Renjin.”

That might be overly wordy for your intent, but by (again) breaking up your sentences and re-wording the details, you can handle something more clearly.

Note: Ah, so THERE’S where the magical appearing vanilla cookie came from! First off, you need to mention sooner that there’s a plate of cookies. Secondly, nervous people don’t like to munch much. (Well, some do….but Renjin doesn’t seem to be that type) And why are they eating vanilla cookies in the first place? Seems a more childish pick than… I don’t know, coffee cake to go with coffee cake? I guess this is Anna’s house, so she would serve them the stuff she likes to eat… But speaking of which, where did Anna disappear to this whole time? And why is the coffee so long in coming? You can’t use it as a convenient excuse for Anna to not hear what they’re saying…. Maybe they tell her to leave the room after she brings the coffee? Anyways, don’t just have her disappear… don’t have the cookies suddenly appear either.

‘‘I assume you can decode an ‘infogem’. You have the details now, then.’’ he continued, stroking back his shining blonde hair.

Daniel wouldn’t say “an ‘infogem’” because it’s a fairly standard object in this world. He would know what it was, and therefore not speak in quotes.

Anna returned with two cups of steaming coffee, and took the wise decision of leaving the two to continue talking. This was not to say she wasn’t interested in the subject of their conversation - and thus she deliberately sat in the room closest to the kitchen, typed random words on her computer whilst trying to catch what the two men talked about.

Ah, and there the ghost appears! I would just say, as I said before, to just have this in a bit sooner. And this whole section is quite long. It could, essentially, be cut down to two or so sentences:

“Anna returned with two cups of steaming coffee and wisely decided to leave the two to their conversation. She did, however, discreetly occupy herself on her computer in the room next door and listened intently to what the men were saying from there.”

Although, might I ask, why is it important to mention her eavesdropping in the first place? This is being told from Renjin’s point of view, so to suddenly switch to Anna’s is jarring to the reader. (My advice would be to have Renjin discover that Anna had been listening in later on, after the detective leaves.)

. Daniel took a sip of the fresh coffee, savouring the flavour for a moment before returning to the conversation:
‘‘Look, I know you - you know me. If you did all the things an intern does, I wouldn’t be here. I want to solve this case, and I believe you can help me.’’

Again, you slip into the point of view of the detective here, instead of keeping it from Renjin’s perspective, which is awkward and bulky for the reader. Also, that was a very confusing line of dialogue, I have no idea what you were trying to say. This needs to be re-worded.

He finally smiled, and invited the detective to speak his mind.

Why does he smile? Give us a reason, a hint, at what he’s feeling right now. Confident since he’s now in his league? And how does he “invite the detective to speak his mind?” If you ask me, he’s already been speaking it. This sentence is rather vague, and I suggest revising.

‘‘Well, there was thick fog just before you arrived. That would provide cover for the murderers, and allow them to escape unnoticed, even with the cameras installed. The murder was committed with one single hit to the chest. Right into the heart, almost ceremonial. The cuts to the scapula and the feathers were added on afterwards.’’

Wha--- what happened to the infogem? This seems like quite a sudden transition. Give more of a segue way in the dialogue so that this just doesn’t come flying out of the middle of nowhere. Also, why is Daniel telling Renjin all this? Renjin is, in the detective’s view, not someone to be trusted. Besides that, exposition can be handled expertly through dialogue, but here it’s just obvious. And boring, most likely repetitive. This is an excellent article concerning exposition, and even though it may not be directly relevant, is well worth any writer’s time: http://howtowriteshop.loridevoti.com/20 ... formation/

‘‘Was she killed somewhere else?’’ Renjin asked, going over to the fridge to grab himself something else to eat.

What? What was wrong with the vanilla cookies…. More importantly, why is there a fridge in the front room? That line of action there is entirely unnecessary. (I’m guessing you wrote this section here before writing the previous paragraphs, and so you simply “copied and pasted.” This is fine, just beware of the inconsistencies.)

‘‘There were traces of drugs in her system, she was* most probably brought from somewhere else. But there is no evidence on her body to suggest where that ‘somewhere’ is*.’’

*Since he’s a detective, he would probably say “the body” and not “she.” Keep in mind this is his job--- it’s impersonal, and referring to a murder victim in such a familiar way can be offensive.

* “where that ‘somewhere’ WAS”

‘‘Of course, the Rholtaii are careful.’’ RJ replied, returning to his seat with a sandwich.

You use “RJ” and not Renjin here again… Also, they are already aware of the murderers? Than why is this a mystery? Just go round em’ up! (If this has something to do with the previous chapters, then my apologies, it just seems unrealistic to have the protagonists aware of the culprits so soon in the course of the story.)

Also, this Renjin fellow eats a ton. Why is he having a sandwich when he just had cookies and coffee? (Also, you’re from the UK… what is a “cookie” to you? It’s going to be obvious when you spell “colours” and then have “cookies” in there. Just call em’ biscuits or whatever.)

Daniel put down the cup, and asked:
‘‘Motive?’’

Why is the detective asking a suspect for a motive? Doesn’t make much sense to me… and what does the word “motive” mean anyways? This needs clarification.

‘‘Umm... Well, the message was made quite clearly to us all. It’s someone who obviously opposes the whole idea of the Rholtaii as an organization... I mean, the message was quite literally that the angel has had her wings cut. This was out of personal hatred, or hatred towards the Rholtaii.’’
Daniel seemed satisfied with that kind of answer, but continued the idea:

Again, I haven’t read the proceeding chapters, but it seems out-of-character for Renjin to be the one saying all this. Also, the wording is awkward.

‘‘You’re right. Whoever did this was searching for a way to make a point, quite symbolically. Moreover, the murder was a way to bring about change, a break from tradition. The murderer knew we’d find the ruby... the question is, what will he or she do now.’’

How does he know all this? Seems a bit unrealistic to me.

‘‘If it’s revenge, then the killer will search for a way to destroy Odilia’s achievements.’’, Renjin continued, now excited to contribute.

How does one destroy achievements? And Renjin has been contributing all along… why is he suddenly excited?

Daniel seemed to listen better than Risedo ever did. It was a thought that lingered in the back of Renjin’s mind, and did not cloud his clear mind and rational thought on that the detective is still in a position to pose an immense threat.

Whoah. A sudden moment of abstract thought? What the heck was this supposed to mean. “Daniel seemed to be a better listener than Risedo ever was.” Makes sense… but the rest? This needs to be rephrased/reworded. As is, it’s so muddled I couldn’t even catch the general drift here.

However, the thought was there.

What thought? That Risedo was a poor listener?

‘‘What makes you think the killer isn’t done?’’ Daniel asked, taking off his vest and hanging it over the side of his chair.
‘‘The killer knows the Rholtaii inside out, since he was able to commit the murder so perfectly, and have a legitimate ruby. Moreover, there is no sign of a new leader emerging - this ties in with your idea of breaking tradition.’’ - Renjin replied, confident in his ideology.

This is quite some “interrogation.” It seems your idea here is as-yet unrefined. You need to ask yourself what is it that the detective needs to know, what Renjin would realistically know, and what he would choose to tell him--- and what he would choose to hide. Deception and the dodging of questions are always more interesting than straight answers--- what reason does Renjin have to answer so directly? There should be a reason for this scene--- otherwise you just have talking heads.

Each scene in your story needs to have a purpose for being there, and each should follow a pattern--- that is, a “mini-arc.” Essentially, picture each scene on an index card. At the top should be the point-of-view character for that scene. Decide what the character’s goal is for that scene, and what the character is feeling emotionally. Each scene should be an anti-thesis to the next, and the mood should change within the scene. For example you’re your protagonist is feeling positive at the beginning, than be the end he should be in a negative experience or mood. (so +/- ) Vice versa if he starts out in a negative situation. The goal is the most important aspect of each and every scene though--- what is the character’s motivation? The over-arching goal should still be there (i.e. “solve the murder) but there should be a specific goal to that individual scene (i.e., “manage to reassure the detective, and get him to stop suspecting me.”) If your character lacks a goal, your scene lacks a purpose and should not be added.

‘‘The obvious goal now is to prevent future murders from occurring. This wouldn’t be a problem, if the killer had followed the set rules and revealed himself instantly.’’ Daniel concluded, nodding to himself.

This is the author talking here. Why would Daniel be saying this? More importantly, how does Daniel know this? You’re characters aren’t omniscient--- there should be reasons for why they know certain things.

A moment of silence ensued.

Probably not “ensued.” (Meaning “commencement”) Silence doesn’t really “ensue.” Try “followed” or “passed between them” or something.

Both finished the conversation smiling, and in uplifted spirits that they could co-operate much better than expected. The detective seemed nothing like the man he was at the Anthill - arrogant, competitive, devious. Renjin’s worry and predictions of an interrogation had faded away, and the mere thought of Daniel luring him into the trap of letting his alert drop didn’t even cross his mind.

Hrm hrm hrm. The tenses are all confused in here, and the whole thing is quite murky. It seems like you rushed things when you got to the end. (I’m feeling lazy at this point so I’ll just show you how I would have wrote it, as opposed to nit-picking. Please keep in mind that I am not you, and you should re-write this according to your personal preferences and style--- let your individuality as an author show through.)

-My suggested revisions-

Spoiler

Renjin stared at the detective for a moment before deciding he could trust him. (This is personal to Renjin, and what his feelings are at the moment.) He began to think that co-operation between the two of them would be much easier than previously expected. The detective seemed altogether another person than the arrogant, competitive man he had met at the Anthill. Renjin’s worries began to dissipate and he realized that they had been, in many ways, unfounded. Now, the mere thought of Daniel luring him into a trap seemed ridiculous. Renjin’s guard began to drop.”

Keep in mind that things need to be shown, not told. Tension and suspense are created through subtleties--- tricks and evasions and character conflict, not just clever dialogue exchanges.

[/SPOILER]

Sorry, all that was more than a (bit) lengthy.

Here’s for things in general:

1. Storyline--- I’m not going to assume here… but I assume you’re actually plotting this thing out right? (;) ) You don’t seem to be writing chapter-by-chapter, but then I could be wrong. (If you are writing as you go along…. STAHP IT! Although some authors don’t have any plan or plot before they start writing---it’s not really a good idea. Especially, especially in the mystery genre. You can plot minimally, but you still need a plan of action in order to succeed)

The point is, the events of your story seem to be laregley disjointed, unconnected with each other. Your character’s don’t exist in a vacuum (or shouldn’t) ---each action should have an equal and opposite reaction. That is, everything they do and say should have consequences (rather good or bad) later on.
As is, your story seems to be drifting along without a real prupose. Decide what scenes are essential and necessary to the plot--- and which ones just sort of sit there without accomplishing everything.

As for characters… did you happen to fill out those handy-dandy character profile sheets before you started? They’re not necessary, but I find them extremely helpful… especially for keeping things consitent and for making sure each character is entirely unique to one another. Here’s a good sheet if you need one: http://imaginingsofacreativewriter.blog ... sheet.html

This is sort of general, the most important thing is to identify what makes an individual just that--- individual. Each character should act differently, think differently, and talk differently. Make them come alive.

2. Grammar--- You had a few misspells, but just a few. The most glaring mistakes I found were the tense changes (keep this in past, you have a tendency to drift towards present tense) and the fact that you tag the dialogue with two apostrophise ( ‘‘ ) as opposed to the standard (correct) quotation mark (“) …I don’t even know how you do that… doesn’t it get aggravating? Anyways, fix this. Also, you switch POV a couple of times--- keep it reserved to Renjin’s point of view.

3. The Atmosphere--- in general, wasn’t clear. I couldn’t identify it. I’m assuming you want a nervous, uncertain mood… this should be established through external events (how does Renjin react to things that helps to show his nervousness) and the way the sentences sound when put together. Generally speaking, shorter sentences tend to create a more suspenseful mood. Atmosphere is created through the characters (actions and thoughts/dialogue) and setting. What external objects stick out that help to create a specific mood? (Think weather, out-of-place things, etc.) Whatever is important to your main character is what should be important to the reader.

Overall:
There is too much telling going on in this scene. As a result, it is rather flat. You’re dialogue needs a lot of work… this scene seems a bit unnecessary to me. (Nothing really stood out to me as being original) You need to make it necessary or consider cutting.

Anyways, I hope this helps. (Sorry if I was "brutally honest" this time... I think you have a great story going here and really want to see you improve)

PM me if you have questions about the plot and stuff.
~ED