The Rholtaii Heritage - Chapter 2

Hey, Polinka!

I know you technically requested for a review on your first chapter but it was excellent and any flaws in it had been pointed out by previous reviewers so my review would have ended up being a whole load of praise so I decided to review all the chapters after that!

OO. Whoa.

I loved that chapter - it was excellent! You kept my attention throughout the whole piece and I felt for poor Renjin. I also really liked your description and it was lovely - so well done!



The first thing that I notice when I read the story is a massive wall of text that is instantly off-putting. There are also two smaller paragraphs that are still very large that just make people glaze over some of the details in it which is unfortunate because I liked your description (although there were a few awkward sentences).

I can't help ask how the last chapter relates to the last one. The last one - well, nothing really happened in that and here, nothing that happened in the last chapter was explained in this one either or even mentioned, save for something about Mr Lurse and we don't have any new information on him yet. We're not given a teaser either and it feels quite out of place.

Also, if I were you, I would remove the first line. The first line gives away the surprise of the chapter for me that made me love it really. That's what the chapter is about and by revealing it in the first line, it's already given away half of the surprise and I thought it let the chapter down.

RJ glanced out the window, then at his watch, and hastily around the room.
‘‘Let’s go talk, get a drink. I really, really need one right now.’’

Same deal.

Chapter 2 - An Angel’s Demise

Despite one life continuing that day Who? And is it worth mentioning that they continued to live? , another was to end. The storm had sheltered all evidence, covered and protected the dark figures fleeing from the scene. But, No comma the storm could not last forever. Slowly but surely I don't like this cliche here. , rays of sunlight broke through the blanket of clouds, dissolving them, shifting them away Ends awkwardly. . They warmed the air, dissolved You just used this. the raindrops and shined on water "Shined on water" isn't especially vivid. Try a different verb. in the cracks of the pavement. Renjin glanced upwards, silently Unnecessary. thankful for the sun, but did not stop on his journey Rework this last clause. In fact, now that he could see the dome in the distance, he speeded "Sped" sounds much better. up his pace. He could feel the heat gently landing on his back, rushing Not the right word through his hands, feet and nose Why only these? Also, aren't his feet covered up by shoes? . He turned a few narrow corners, slipped past many short streets Along with the awkward alliteration, this feels rushed. Let him reach his destination on his. No need to abbreviate his journey. , until finally arriving at the round plaza before Try "in front of." the Justice Hall. The sky had almost cleared, allowing RJ Renjin. Limit the nicknaming to dialogue only. to see clearly the buildings surrounding the circular-shaped plaza with a park surrounding Awkward and fragmented, rework. , with a magnificent fountain in the middle, and the slightly more modern but nevertheless beautiful, dome-shaped Justice Hall Clunky description. I don't like words like "nevertheless" in any sort of prose because of their tendency to eclipse the more illustrative words around them. . As RJ approached the circle, he caught a glance of a figure near the fountain. It lay on its back, arms spread wide and hanging over the edge of the water. The uncomfortable Not the right word. position of the figure, and the fact that it did not move comma stirred worry within in Renjin, and his worst suspicions You're mixing up the idiom "worst fears" with simply "suspicions," resulting in this awkward concoction. Just "suspicions" alone works fine. proved to be right as soon as he noticed a vibrant splash Yuck, change this. "Vibrant splash" draws way too much attention to itself. of red on the white stone. The last few metres past the well-tailored If he's completely focused on the blood and the body, how could he notice if the trees were well-tailored? You have to pay attention to things like this in creating tension in a scene. trees were a sprint, comma splice he stopped sharply, and immediately turned away in disgust. Even the water in the fountain was crimson red, little trails flowing along the edge of the fountain Change "the edge of the fountain" to "its edge." Less clunky. and into the cracks in the ground Again the cracks in the ground. Try a different image. . After a few seconds of building up courage and holding back sickness, Renjin glanced at the body again. It was a middle-aged woman, her long hair floating in the water, her mouth slightly open. Her eyes stared upwards, frozen in surprise. Her face, once beautiful How does he know it was once beautiful? , looked drained and pale, partly covered by the thick dark hair. On her neck was a long golden chain that held a medallion with an easily recognisable coat of arms. However, that was unnecessary Not worded correctly. Try "However, Renjin did not need the medallion to know who she was. - Renjin knew who the woman was, and so did every citizen in It's either citizen of the country or person in the country, not citizen in the country. the country.
It seemed as if the whole world had fallen silent. Renjin found himself unable to move, or to look away. Rays of sunlight ran quickly Quickly? Can he see them?across her open eyes, and instantly sent sunbeams "Sunlight" was just used in this sentence. across the fountain Not sure what this means. Are you trying to say it reflected? Why so wordy and equivocal? and onto the pavement. Then, Toss "then." dozens of questions sprang up in Renjin’s head as he slowly started to And "started to," and change "recover" to "recovered." Avoid those long verb structures. recover from the initial horror of the scene. Suddenly "Suddenly" is so overused in this context. , he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. Renjin ignored it for a while How long is a while? How about a few seconds. , but what was left of his clearness of mind reminded him of the importance of the call and caller. For what seemed forever, Renjin’s shaking hands found their way into the pocket and press the button. Try reading this sentence aloud. Immediately, a voice poured through the device: period
‘‘RJ? RJ, this is Jonah! ... Get rid of the ellipsis. Can you hear me? Talk to me, what the fuck happened here?! Just a question mark would suffice. ’’
Renjin did not answer - however much he wanted, his body disobeyed him. Yet after the voice in the phone grew much too demanding and even slightly threatening, he finally replied:???‘‘I didn’t do it.’’ This whole block of text could be changed to "Renjin was silent at first. "I didn't do it," he replied, finally." Much more effective.
‘‘I believe you, but I do not don't believe what I’m seeing. Is that really... her?’’ Wait, I'm confused. How can Jonah see the body?
RJ lowered the device, and his careful eyes quickly skimmed the roofs of nearby buildings, to try and work out which hidden camera the caller Jonah was using Okay, that kind of explains it. Still, why did Jonah call Renjin, and why did he only see the body when Renjin found it? . But, no comma his concentration was far from adequate then, so he just nodded.
‘‘Shit... Stay where you are, RJ, our guys will be there any minute now.’’
‘‘There are feathers on the ground.’’
‘‘What?’’
Renjin slowly crouched down, and continued to speak even though it was with much unease "continued to speak, uneasy" : period
‘‘Feathers... period white ones. Dove, maybe.’’
‘‘Oh yeah, I see it now. Weird.’’ - no dash the caller replied, his voice sounding much too distant to Renjin.
Finally, the witness Renjin took a step to the side, only for his knees to bend unwillingly and for him to fall forward, hitting his chest on the stone. His hands didn't instinctively reach out to break his fall?
‘‘You alright?’’
Renjin let out a short, nervous laugh. He lifted himself with his arms just slightly, for his eyes to level so that his eyes were level with the back of the victim’s head. Suddenly, he spoke once again, his tone of voice now leaning towards terrified Cut "suddenly" and "once" in this sentence. .
‘‘Her... her robe is ripped at the back. It’s where she ... bled from.’’
‘‘Yeah, I see. Those don’t look like gunshot wounds, though it’s hard to see from here.’’
Renjin let himself drop to the ground, and finally turned his eyes away from the gory scene.
‘‘You’re missing the point.’’
He sighed, his breaths interrupted by short, anxious breaks Well, after all, that's what breathing is. . He crossed his shaking arms, and muttered:
‘‘Don’t you see it? ... Don't need this ellipsis. Feathers...wounds to the scapula...’’ - he gulped - ‘‘The angel has had her wings cut.’’

The rest of the day flew by without Renjin noticing I think it'd be hard for a day to go by without someone noticing. Maybe noticing isn't quite the word you want. . People rushed to the scene, asked him questions, then did not listen to his answers Why? , comma splice, period here the police stood in a line to prevent the curious eyes from seeing what had happened. In a matter of minutes the area was sheltered away in a giant blue tent, forensic experts took dozens of samples, their cameras throwing flashes of light, measured things and tested the evidence found. Then, Risedo had Should not be in past perfect, so cut out "had." finally showed up, lifted the young man to his feet and escorted him to the Hall. Once there, Renjin collapsed onto one of the couches in the Judge’s office, and stared at the ceiling for two hours. A psychologist entered the room a couple of "Of" is not needed. times, but RJ refused to speak at all. When the man was finally left alone, he began to notice details around him. The first thing he had realised was that his arm was numb from the weight of his body pressed upon it for the past two hours Awkwardly worded. . He realised how heavy his body felt, how his eyes teared up without any apparent reason That's strange. .
Eventually, he curved his back Redundant? When one sits up, it's implied that they also curve their back to do so. and used up the last of his energy to sit up and lean on the cushions The last of his energy? That's stretching things. I don't think laying down on a couch for two hours is especially exhausting, and I'm fairly certain he still has quite a bit of energy. . The office was made entirely out of wooden panels, a style quite consistent with the rest of the buildings. The floors, panels on the walls, even the ceiling was wooden, though of different types and colours of wood Cut "of wood." . The judge’s favourite was a shade of dark red, a colour present in the furniture and the double doors just behind where Renjin lay. The room itself was quite large for one person; comma but was the place where the judge had spent most of his time. Despite this, the office was sparkling clean, and everything looked brand new The last few sentences are structured virtually identically and it wouldn't do any harm to your flow to mess with them a little. . Renjin’s eyes caught the massive wardrobe at the far end of the room, and he suddenly could not hold back a little smile at the memories of him hiding there from the city police many years ago Um. You can't just mention something like that in passing and then not expand at all on it. . The wardrobe was so large, and had been used as a hiding place so often comma that the Judge created a pathway through it into the next room so that the man Who? could escape unseen. Risedo once said that he intended to fit a whole elevator in there Why? , yet but Renjin was never sure whether the judge was serious.
His thoughts were abruptly halted by the creaking of the door. Judge Risedo, dressed in a long, dark green robe comma had Cut "had." entered, and smiled faintly at Renjin.
‘‘I see you’re feeling better.’’
‘‘What news?’’ - No dash. Renjin snapped, suddenly eager to pull out as much information from the man as possible.
‘‘It’s her, definitely. You were right about the symbolism, too. It’s a message.’’
‘‘To whom? And how could anyone have...’’ A dash here would be more effective.
‘‘If I knew, I’d tell you. The whole Hall is in a state of chaos, currently.’’
Renjin sighed, leaning forward to stand up. The judge had Again. tried to seat him back down, but pulled back, upon seeing that the man Renjin could actually stand straight.
‘‘I know this isn’t the time to talk about it, but... what happens to Mr.Lurse space between Mr. and Lurse. ?’’ - Renjin asked, his tired eyes looking into Risedo’s Both "look" and "tired" feel bland here. .
‘‘I believe this murder takes priority. But, no comma we will keep an eye on him.’’
‘‘Lucky bastard... getting away with it again.’’ - no dash Renjin sighed, dropping his arms.
‘‘No, he isn’t getting away. He will not. "Won't" sounds much less awkward.’’ - Again. Why are you putting dashes here? Risedo stated convincingly "Stated convincingly?" How forced does that sound. "Said firmly" is what you're trying to say. in his most serious tone.
RJ glanced out the window, then at his watch, and hastily Why hastily? around the room.
‘‘Let’s go talk, get a drink. I really, really need one right now.’’

Hey there!

I like the continuation from the first part, and in my opinion I like this chapter better. Firstly it has the excitement in it, a murder. That's what every reader likes to see. The dialogue in this was done well too, seeing Renjin break down again. He seems to be very uptight in this chapter, but Risedo still seems to be the old, wise guy. It's good that the characters don't deviate from the previous chapters.

However I don't really see a relation to the first chapter from this. In the first chapter you talk about Mr. Lurse and the firing squad, but then in this chapter you talk about the Angel having her wings cut out and symbolism? There doesn't seem to be any relation, in fact, this started out from a totally different area. From one chapter to another, there should be some form of linking to the previous chapters. Either a reference or a mention of a previous character.

Another thing, now I see that this is set in the present since you mentioned a cell phone. But who was the caller? Risedo? And what was Renjin doing there? Do elaborate on points like this. I was hoping that you would provide more information on the nature of work Risedo and Renjin were doing in this chapter, but still there wasn't much. I know Risedo is a judge so why is he getting involved in a murder like this?

Lastly, there were two huge paragraphs here. Try to break them up, it's hard to read and not get lost in it. Overall you need to bridge a link between the two chapters and fill in the missing blanks, such as the caller and symbolism. I'm looking forward to reading more about this!

Cheers, Lycando!