The Rholtaii Heritage - Chapter 4

I remembered the strikethrough feature!

The journalist was patiently waiting in the room on the first floor, having not been allowed even to go to the first floor offices Awkward. Change the bit after the comma to "not even allowed to enter the first floor offices." . She was of no particular beauty nor charm "She was not particularly beautiful or charming" says the same thing but reads much smoother. , yet but was skilled in her job of obtaining information. It was her first big case, and so she could not contain her excitement as she thought of the pride she’d feel after passing the juicy details onto her boss. She already imagined a promotion - she kept telling herself not to get hopes up too high, but continued dreaming nevertheless Awkward. . She sat at the edge of the chair, tugging at her striped jumper, her patience wearing thin thinner each second, it seemed. But, No comma needed. I understand you were just trying to make this sentence flow a little better, but pauses should come naturally, not forced by unnecessary commas. I'd rework the first part of this sentence completely. so did the patience of the ones who watched her from a camera lens Why lens? I'm no photographer, but isn't that like saying "I watched you with the pupils of my eyes" instead of just "I watched you with my eyes"? , hidden in the corner of the room Just the lens, and not the camera? . Behind the lens were the ‘surveillance men’ Why is this in quotations? - two middle-aged, constantly bored men with a ridiculously dark sense of humour and a passion for gambling Well, since you just spoonfed me everything there is to know about their personalities, discovering them will be about 90% less interesting. Show. Don't. Tell. . One was a younger intern of three weeks, another a man who has worked the job for little over two years, named Jonah Read this sentence aloud, particularly everything after the first comma, and you'll understand why it made no sense to me at all. . The intern mumbled, his eyes still glued to the screen: Eyes still glued to the screen, the intern mumbled,
‘‘Do you think he’ll show up?’’
‘‘Not sure.’’
‘‘Does he, ever?’’ - no dash the intern asked, now turning to his mentor.
‘‘Sometimes... when he feels like it.’’
‘‘How come they let him work here, then?’’
The mentor You mean Jonah? Call people by their names, not their titles! let out a dry laugh, and shrugged his shoulders.
‘‘The Judge likes him.’’
‘‘Oh, there he is!’’ - no dash the intern exclaimed, and moved his chair even closer.
The other man Jonah? Who? smirked, amused at the excitement of the younger intern. He Who? turned the monitor a little forward, thinking to himself how long it would take for the ‘newbie’ Why is this in quotations? to become like him. Remember that thing where you told me beforehand that they had dark senses of humor, liked to gamble, all that? Is that actually going to happen sometime, or were you just joshin and none of that's actually true?
Renjin entered the room quietly, seeming even a little unsure whether there was someone inside - rather, hoping there was noone Should be "no one." Also, this sentence made zero sense . The journalist sprang up from her seat and immediately greeted Renjin with a firm handshake.
‘‘So glad to finally meet you!’’
‘‘Yeah. You too.’’ He was glad to finally meet the journalist? Has he heard about her?
Both sat down into in armchairs significantly less comfortable than the ones in the judge’s office The last bit draws too much attention away from the action of sitting down. Try a more balanced approach: "Both sat in armchairs (here you could possibly insert the location of the armchairs in the room?), which were significantly less comfortable than the ones in the judge's office.", and didn’t even have the chance to exchange glances again before the journalist flipped a switch on her recorder and bombarded Renjin with questions You do all this leading up to the interview and then just summarize it in four words? Leave the summarizing for the less important parts of the story. . It was at these times that Renjin hated his job - his official one, at least This is confusing, since my impression is that his "official" job is assisting the judge, but the next sentence really clouds that up." . Apart from assisting the judge, he was given many other tasks no one else really wanted to do, maybe because of his age and lack of professionalism [b]Meh. Redundant. , maybe because he was in endless debt to Risedo. Why?
The surveillance men watched the screen blankly, like a dull film Here you are comparing the surveillance men to a dull film. Rework. . The camera was hard to notice even in a room so plain, yet "Yet" is denotative of a contradiction between the two clauses it connects, but I see no contradiction here. its sight Wrong word. captured the entire room. In fact, there were several of them, hidden behind white plaques in the walls. They had only been installed several months ago - an anonymous and generous donation provided the Justice Hall with the means to buy them Mysterious! But if you don't follow up on it, readers won't think it's too important. It could just be me, but it seems like something that might be important. . If one was to look closely, the cameras could be found in almost every corner of the Hall - it was one of the top priorities of the management to make sure there were no blind spots. Considering the many functions the Hall had, and its position on the border between two districts, the cameras were able to ensure total control over any activity in the Hall and even outside it. Out of curiosity, why are the cameras hidden rather than out in the open, as is standard?

‘‘Do you really want to hear the story all over again?’’ - no dash Renjin asked reluctantly Okay, unless he's sociopathic, which would be bizarre, I find it strange that he's so unwilling to engage in the interview. Interviews are an honor, especially, I'd imagine, for a judge's assistant who isn't normally in the limelight. Oh, and one other thing: could you please start at the beginning of the interview and not skim over the opening dialogue and the first question(s)? That stuff is great for building character and it's kind of disorienting for readers to be suddenly thrust into the middle of a conversation without any foothold. .
‘‘Sure! Since you work at the Hall, you might see it all very differently.’’
Renjin was holding up his head with his arm, physically restraining himself from slumping in his seat.
‘‘Alright. They’ve existed for centuries and there are only legends that remain of the reasons and causes Redundant. "Reasons" and "causes" are the exact same words in this context. of their existence...’’
‘‘The Rholtaii?’’
‘‘Yes, the Rholtaii. That’s what you asked me about.’’ Then why would she be confused?
The journalist smiled sweetly and, with an eager hand gesture, signalled Renjin to continue speaking. He did continue, attempting to sound like he droned on and on What? :
‘‘They are immensely powerful. All this time we’ve all tried to find out as much as possible about them, but they remained shrouded in mystery all this time. They are especially trained individuals, I think you want a dash here instead of a comma. assassins, thieves...’’
He repeated a memorised speech, however Why however? Again, implicit of a contradiction, yet there is no contradiction... the woman listened with awe. The surveillance men were very familiar with that speech Why? , and so paid even less attention to their screens Why? Screens are visual tools. Can the see the speech? .
‘‘... no ellipsis Legend has it that they don’t speak at all since they don’t need to. They communicate somehow otherwise in some other way , by sign language or even by telepathy, some say.’’
‘‘And what do you think?’’
The question had nearly caught tense confusion Renjin off guard, since he was eager to answer Doesn't reflect his earlier actions (almost slumping, holding his head in his hand, reluctance to answer, etc.). but didn’t know how to phrase his thoughts Wait, what? Why? Phrasing one's thoughts=basic communication, so he can't talk? But then he immediately begins talking, so, what?.
‘‘They are masters in their craft. I have no knowledge of how they operate, but it is a technique they’ve used for centuries, since every murder is their trademark Not sure what this means. . All we can do is examine the work after it’s been done.’’
‘‘What of their purpose overly formal ?’’ - no dash the journalist continued, her smile now beginning to annoy Renjin.
‘‘As I have said, their origins are unknown, and I doubt they will ever be known. But, no comma their purpose now depends on who leads them.’’
The woman nodded her head repeatedly Use adverbs very sparingly. , once again eager Once again? What was the other time? Also, yeah, she's a journalist, so it can be assumed that she's eager for him to answer. for Renjin to continue.
‘‘Umm Um. One M. ... So, the last leader of the Rholtaii was a woman named Odilia Whimmer. She was the daughter of a politics teacher, thus Therefore. Thus and therefore and often confused. Also: why so formal? It's an interview, sure, but come on, let them loosen up. a good speaker and knowledgeable. She referred to the Rholtaii not as a police force, like the previous leader, but rather as...’’
‘‘The Guardian Angels.’’ I'm sure interrupting the interviewee violates some journalism ethic or something.
‘‘Yes.’’
Renjin gulped nervously wrong word , no comma as the gruesome murder scene re-appeared reappeared unvoluntarily involuntarily in his head Too many adverbs in this sentence make it difficult to get through. . He flipped his hair to the side, in attempt to shake away the image of a crimson red fountain and a dead woman’s body, soaked in her own blood None of this is needed. Also, why would flipping his hair to the side shake away that image? . His mind seemed to exagerrate what he had seen; he then felt sick Awkward. All you really need to say is "he felt sick. . The men’s attention was instantly drawn to the moving picture What? You mean the screen? , since Renjin wasn’t brilliant at hiding his emotions. Am I allowed to know what's happening to him?
‘‘What’s wrong with him?’’ - no dash the intern was quick to ask asked .
‘‘He was the one who found the body first. I called him when it all happened.’’
‘‘Can we get to the point, Miss Were they not on the point? ? I’m quite busy Wait, didn't he schedule this interview with her? Also, the rapid switching between conversations you're doing here isn't too smooth. .’’ - no dash Renjin snapped, quickly re-gaining regaining his ability of speech to speak .
‘‘Alright. Is Odilia dead?’’
‘‘Yes.’’ - comma, no dash he replied, doing his best to sound calm.
‘‘Why?’’
‘‘Heart attack. She had she'd been battling with a blood disease for a while now .’’
At this point, the mentor Jonah beyond the camera smirked once again, shaking his head from side to side. Why? If I don't get some clue as to what you meant to communicate with this, it means nothing to me.
‘‘So, it's not at all because she made the law bend as she pleased Why would that in itself kill her? .’’ - comma, no dash she asked, crossing her legs.
''As I said, it's not a murder. It's death by natural causes.''
''I understand. Then so, what next Clarify this question. Interview questions are always practiced and refined, and this is far too vague to pass as one. ?'' - no dash the capitalize journalist looked a little suspicious, but Renjin took no notice.
‘‘The next leader will be chosen as normal, by all customs Huh? . We’ll just have to wait until he or she surfaces.’’
The journalist continued to ask questions But you're not going to tell me what they are? , as if she had prepared an endless list beforehand. Renjin, having forced himself to calm down comma now felt a little more comfortable, yet but still bored Why is he bored? . He maintained his careful choice of words awkward , recited the speech he had practiced with Risedo many times Why did he practice it with Risedo? , and treated this journalist just like he had treated all others. Of course, he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous when his personal opinion was asked: he could not afford to speak too much, at this stage of events especially. When the hour had passed, Renjin rather excitedly sprang up from his seat, stretching his hand out for a handshake.
‘‘Thank you, Miss.’’
‘‘Thank you too, Mister Mr. The only time it's not abbreviated is when it's used all by itself. Renjin. I’ve got plenty of material. Oh, there’s another column I shall be writing in the near future concerning the rubys rubies . Is it possible to meet again?’’
‘‘We’ll I'll keep in contact with you, see how things go.’’
The journalist gave Renjin a last smile of satisfaction and headed for the door. The assistant to the judge Renjin escorted her to the exit, and, after seeing her away, immediately raced up the stairs. The surveillance men didn’t even bother switching screens to see where he was going, since in a couple of short minutes, the door of their surveillance room flew open.
‘‘Jonah, I have to see what Risedo and the detective are talking about Why? And why is he suddenly so interested? !’’ - no dash he blurted out "Blurted" is used when one says something they didn't mean to. Did he not mean to say this? , quickly shutting the door Wouldn't it be better, as he's in such a hurry, if he left it open? behind him and rushing towards the screens.
The older mentor Jonah , no comma stopped Renjin’s near sprint by simply putting his large arm to the side Not sure what "putting his arm to the side" (what does that even mean?) accomplishes or why it would stop Renjin. , and replied calmly: comma
‘‘Not allowed, son. Sorry.’’
‘‘Come on, this one’s serious!’’
‘‘Sure it is.’’
Renjin let out a heavy sigh, and pushed forward in a futile attempt to get past Sighs signify resignation, yet he still pushes...? .
‘‘We have orders, RJ, and unlike you, we follow them.’’ - no dash Jonah spoke said again, this time in a slightly more firm firmer voice.
‘‘Alright, alright.’’
Renjin backed away in disappointment. However, he still demanded: comma
‘‘Can you at least show me any some footage of the guy Which guy? If it's the detective, isn't that what he was after in the first place? ?’’ All of these last three paragraphs should be joined. When it's the same speaker, no paragraphing is necessary.
‘‘Go talk to Risedo, kid. I won’t show you anything. The only guy I can show you on this screen is Mr. space Lurse. But that one’s pretty boring, and you don’t have time to deal with him.’’
Just as Jonah’s attention was drawn to him Wasn't it already drawn to him? , RJ Renjin was able to catch sight of the man in green leaving the building on a monitor he could still see.
‘‘Okay. Hey, do you mind covering for me tonight? I’m out with Anna.’’
‘‘Oh, you’re still with her? Wonder how she puts up with you.’’ - no dash and capitalize "he" he sighed, crossing his fat arms. - no dash ‘‘For the last time How about "just this once" or something along those lines, "For the last time" is generally not appropriate for this context. , RJ.’’
‘‘Thanks, man, I owe you.’’ - comma, no dash Renjin replied, waving goodbye as he raced out the door once again Last time he raced in, not out, so no, not once again. .

"Thank you." - said Renjin.

"Thank you," said Renjin.

"Thank you," Renjin smiled.

Here again, Polinka!

Woo! Answers at last I'm glad that not all the questions that we had were answered. Now things make a lot more sense to us. I'd give also something about Mr. Lurse because he seems suspicious and is mentioned all the time. Just a small tease would help As for swapping the two chapters around like you asked in your PM, I say go for it! If I were you, I'd combine the two with the scene from chapter four first... although I'd assume he'd try to run upstairs first.

The majority of the points that I wanted to mention also applied to the earlier chapters so I'll mainly be focusing on a few nitpicks here and there.

‘‘Oh, you’re still with her? Wonder how she puts up with you.’’ - he sighed, crossing his fat arms. - ‘‘For the last time, RJ.’’

Oh, there’s another column I shall be writing in the near future concerning the rubys

When the hour had passed, Renjin rather excitedly sprang up from his seat, stretching his hand out for a handshake.
‘‘Thank you, Miss.’’

Hey there polink!

So you're back with the fourth chapter and I'm back to review it!

I'll be honest, I liked this chapter the most among all of them. You filled in the missing gaps, every single one of them. It's very good now that I understand the whole gist of it. The Rholtaii seem to be some kind of legendary cult, but they do justice instead of harm. The lady that died was their leader. Still I don't get the Mr. Lurse thing, he wasn't related to the Rholtaii was he?

There was a lot of dialogue in this, and I appreciate that you took me suggestion of explaining the back story through dialogue. It's one of the easiest ways to get the back story from the appearance of a journalist in the story. It's a easy but very effective way. Some people that try to narrate everything out end up screwing up.

Since there's the new introduction of the footage and the surveillance men, I shall offer my two cents about that. First of all, they were like security guards weren't they? They were described as one. Looking through cameras positioned everywhere. What was their job scope though? Were they there to record interviews such as these, that related to the Rholtaii? Were interviews like these always conducted with them watching?

Usually in my stories, I try to let the reader have most of the back story so they won't get confused by what is happening. I thought that however you could explain all of these slightly earlier, or maybe let them out each chapter instead of all at once. If a reader needs to wait until the fourth chapter to find out about something that could have been told in the first chapter, then some editing may be in place.

I'm still enjoying this though. It's an interesting concept you have here now that I understand the back story. I'm even more eager to read further chapters.

Cheers, Lycando!