Hey, so I wrote this relatively quickly (as I do with most my poems) and messed with the format a bit. I tried my best to stick to a 5-7-5-7 (etc) syllable scheme, but they're not haikus or anything. As a heads up, all the quoted lines are made by Him, the guy. My shadow. (It's funny because they're actual quotes. Yay.) Hopefully it isn't too confusing. Let me know what you think. Don't be reserved, shred it to pieces.
“What’s wrong with you, hun?”
I ache, the hole in my chest
Growing slowly, then
filling with my bloodied dreams
and cut heart strings; float
in the tears I swallow.
“There’s always a chance…”
He tries to bandage the leak
in my veins, vanquish
the doubt eating my insides.
But his heart strings sing
A lovely song he calls Rose.
“…But I love her, hun.”
A glass tear rolls down my cheek,
a river pathway.
Can you feel your heart explode?
Spraying all the pain
on the walls, staining the floor,
Inconveniencing
the next tenants of the house.
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139,566 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Thanks for the critiques! They're taken into account. (I thought I'd already written a thank-you comment but I don't see it on here...) anyway. Glad you guys liked it ^_^
Hey Peanut! Dogs here with your review today! Really quickly can i just say THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *hyperventilates*. Anywho! I really loved this so much Peanut! So much imagery and how you were able to incorporate those quotes in there is really rather impressive! Kudos to you my friend!
"A glass tear rolls down my cheek,
a river pathway."
Favorite line right here. So strong. And how you managed to keep it in 7, 5, 7, 5! Impressive! Well I loved this so please oh please KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
P.S: This piece is so good it deserves THE SMILY FACE ROBOT ARMY!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I love this!
"Inconveniencing
the next renters of the house"
Is my favourite bit because it makes the poem kind of funny but, weirdly, it's sadder because of this. I wasn't really sure what it was about but I think thats kind of a good thing because it allowed me to make my own conclussions... Really welldone for this! XD
Hi there!
Keep writing.
I think it's a nice poem,sort of funny too.
But his heart strings sing
A lovely song he calls Rose.
I like this part a lot.
A glass tear rolls down my cheek,
a river pathway.
Can you feel your heart explode?
Spraying all the pain
on the walls, staining the floor,
Inconveniencing
the next renters of the house.
This part's good,but it feels like something's missing. I think you could put a few lines in between. Just an opinion,but the poem as a whole is really good.