I literally wrote this on a whim. It's a collection of haikus. I'm not sure if I should get rid of the last stanza or not, so let me know. It's not very good, but I didn't really mean for it to be.
He gazes at her
With longing stares, hoping for
Her approval, love.
Flakes of snow flutter,
Chilling them through their jackets.
So he scoots closer.
Her smile is gentle.
His heart is pounding softly.
Mine shatters in two.
The tears in my eyes,
And the tears in my heart, still
Can’t bring him to me.
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140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Personally, I liked your formatting. It was unique and something new that I haven't really seen before. It did end up breaking the flow a bit, but still worked for me. I like the idea and though it is a simple, short little poem, it does linger a bit. There's just something about it that made me want to read it again. I'm not sure I can pin-point what that is, but I did like this poem.
Keep writing!
-Greena
Thank you. I agree it was pretty bare-bones, especially for poetry, so I'm going to try and flesh it out a bit. And I know the formatting is weird in some places but my goal was to make each stanza it's own separate haiku, so I had to do 5-7-5 syllable format. I'll try and work it out
This was really cute and I really liked it. I really wish you'd add more to it honestly, as I feel like there's just so much missing here. It doesn't answer all of the key questions, or the big main one: "what." I get the theme, but this could be so much better if you'd just add detail, visual aids, and EMOTION. Definitely more emotion.
goodjob!
Also, I didn't like the format in your first and last lines, I'd set them up something more like this:
He gazes at her
With longing stares,
Hoping for her approval, love.
Flakes of snow flutter,
Chilling them through their jackets.
So he scoots closer.
Her smile is gentle.
His heart is pounding softly.
Mine shatters in two.
The tears in my eyes,
And the tears in my heart,
Still can’t bring him to me.
Over all, this was very good