This is my first- ever pantoum... I posted this in my NaPo thread too (I didn't cheat- I posted it there first!) If the punctuation is off, tell me when it is. Feel free to rip it apart, I won't mind.
My who Guillotine
My uneven breath puffs out in front of me,
the cold winter chill breaks through my skin,
and you both flank either side of me
while the moon shines beneath the clouds.
The cold winter chill breaks through my skin,
yet your love keeps my heart alive
while the moon shines beneath the clouds,
and a guillotine hangs over my head threatening me to make the wrong decision.
Yet your love keeps my heart alive,
and I finally see who I must choose
and a guillotine hangs over my head threatening me to make the wrong decision,
as I decide whom I love in the cold winter night.
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Thank you all so much for your thoughts, nit- picks, and reviews! I enjoy getting help with my poetry, because it needs it, hehe.
Hello, I'm Eimear.
I make a point of not reading the previous critiques, for an irrational fear that I might subconsciously copy what the person before me has already said- so apologies if there is any repetition. As poetry goes, I tend to give it my gut feelings anyway. So yeah, now that we've cleared that up, onto the poetry.
Good opening line, good opening stanza. I'd change two things though.
When people scream about 'telling' it's usually because there's just needless words there. You rip it down to the bare bones of things, and you've got a good description. That's why I took the word 'cold' out, for example. We readers know winter is cold. We already got the imagery and the feeling, we didn't need to be slowed down by anything else. I like the imagery about the uneven breath puffing out, though. Nice touch.
Likewise, in the next stanza, I'd take out 'cold' again. But I liked the repetition. Very good.
This line bothers me:
It's very hard to offer a sound suggestion as to how to make it better- but it reads awkwardly.
How about
Sorry, that wasn't very good- but maybe you get the idea.
I loved the overall metaphor, you held it and carried it very well. Your repetition was unique- it really made it stand out when I read it. Your poetic voice is quite delicate, which obviously is very striking juxtaposed against the ideal of a overhanging blade. Eek!
Anyway,
hope this helps- and nice to meet you!
Eimear xx
Hello there! I decided I wanted to review your poem!
Warning before hand. I am not a poet. I have no poetic experience, and I am a horrible poet myself. I have no training. What I will do is comment on the meanings behind the words, the fluency, punctuation, and any other comments that will come across my mind.
I really quite like this. I think chasingcolts called at a 'personification'. I have no idea what that means, BUT I like the effect it added to the poem. It makes it more interesting and easier for us to connect to. It also sets the scene fairly well by added a bit of the setting by telling it is winter and cold, so most likely somewhere it can get chilly in the winter.
The only thing I have to comment on is something that doesn't really matter. I don't really seem to like the wording very well for the second line. 'breaks through' seems to much of a harsh phrase for this. Why not make it seem softer, maybe 'the cold winter chill caresses my skin'. That is only an example. Make it seem more elegant like winter truly is. Plus, wind can 'break' through your skin.
So is this poem directed towards two people? If is not, then that can't be possible because one person can't be on both sides of you... I am guessing it is directed towards to people.
Also, instead of beneath, I would say 'through' or something like that because it just doesn't seem to settle with me nicely. I am a descriptive normal writer, and I prefer not to use 'beneath'. That is only because I have a small grudge against the world. I am rambling now. Please ignore me.
Oh! I like the repetition. It makes a connection between the stanza's and they seemed to fit perfectly together now. Except of course, that line was the second in the stanza but now it is the first... Ignore me again!. I particularly like this part, but I would again like you to get rid of the 'breaks through'. Try to give it that awesome feel that I when I was reading it.
Another comment I shall make is that I believe that before it seemed that there was two... and now it seems your are talking directly to one. I am slightly confused at this.
Uh oh. You seem to have my problem with poetry. That last line is incredibly long! It doesn't fit in with the syllable pattern. I recommend you listen to chasingcolts here. She had what ever I was going to say, and it seems she more over is the more experienced poet.
Also, if believe that the guillotine won't threaten you to make the wrong decision. I think it more over is trying to get you to chose the right one but if you don't, then you will get your head chopped off.
Comma after 'choose'.
This also makes it make more sense. You are trying to choose who you love more and you are worried you will make the wrong decision. So there is two people. I would probably find a way to specify that somewhere. You made it clear in the first stanza but you lost me in the second. I believe you could possibly make this work.
The first sentence is extremely long again. It is the same one as before. I believe you could reword this somehow or make another line out of it. It doesn't work with this poem because the syllables don't seem to line up. Well, I am pretty sure that is what you have to try.
The last line does tie in the poem, but it doesn't sound quite right. I would try to reword it maybe, and try to get it make more of an effect.
Overall, it was an effective poem, obviously portraying a person who is caught between to people they love and they can't decide for if they chose the wrong one than they will ruin everything they had with the other. Kind of a hopeless relation. I believe you could reword somethings to give it that more sinister, melodramatic, and elegant feel. Just grab a thesaurus and figure out what works best if it doesn't fit in right with the mood.
Your lines got lengthy at points. I believe you could possible do something about that easily by making it another stanza or rewording it.
I also think you should try to add more metaphors and similes. I myself and horrible at them so don't ask me how to do that unless you want an incredibly hilarious one. I tend to be good at those. When you write poetry, you are trying to connect with the reader and portray your emotions in spectacular ways. Similes, metaphors, and descriptive words will help you moreover get that point across. You did a good job with describing but i think you could try to find awesomer words. (Yes I have made up two words in this post if you are wondering.)
I really did like this piece, and I think you should continue to write poetry, because obviously you are doing a good job and certainly better than me.
Glad to help you somewhat, and I wish you luck with NaPo.
~Incognito
Hello peanutgallery007, what a nice little poem!
Great job on using them. You used personification like...all over the place. Literally. There was like two in one stanza alone! The only improvement here you can make is by using a simile or a metaphor.
A simile is comparison of two unlike words using like or as. Ex: The dog is like a wolf.
A metaphor is a comparison of two unlike words without using like or as. Ex: The dog is a wolf.
It was pretty fluent, the only trouble I had was that one super long line of the last stanza. And the last line bothered me, I don't know why, it might just be me. Otherwise it was perfect.
Make sure you use commas correctly.
Otherwise, it was pretty good with punctuation and whatnot, so bravo! Kudos!